How much does your OH do?

[Sillysausage2]

3 kids, he’s always been shit at cooking but I learned. Poached, steamed every bit the 3 kids ate. Breast fed so did most feedings etc.
eldest is 12 now and I’ve bought every stitch they’ve ever owned, enrolled and took to every activity. he wouldn’t know shoe sizes or teachers names etc. he works full time out of the house 12 hours a day. I work part time around the kids so I can drop off and work around activities. I have another job I do in my own time. His wages are twice mine but he has a lot of diesel tolls etc. I pay for 70% of household costs.
I’ve seen his own brothers cooking, take an interest etc but im unreasonable to expect that from him when he works long hours and commutes. Am I??

No, it's really crap if your partner can never take on their share of the cooking. It's such a neverending duty, you need the relief; plus in my case DP often delivers a culinary beauty I would not have thought of. If you both cook you both have mental space to come up with ideas when your turn comes.

YANBU, mine doesn't cook either. The few times he does it takes so long there's no point. But given you've obviously been together for a long time and already had 3 kids, I'd say there's little chance of him doing it now. Wish I had realised what a pain it would be when we first got together. If I ever remarry that will be a deal breaker!

Why are you paying 70%? It should be proportional to what you both earn. His level of input into family life, or lack of it is nowhere near normal. How many days a week does he work?

Did you discuss how food and chores would work out before you had children? If I had children they’d live mostly off of rice crispies and whatever they could scavenge from the fridge - because I don’t and won’t cook every day. But it wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone, because I’ve never made a secret of it. If he promised he’d take on 50% of the cooking and chores and hasn’t, you aren’t being unreasonable. If he never did much beforehand and was always pretty transparent that he didn’t give a shit, you’ve just got exactly what you signed up for.

So what you are saying is that you have 4 kids...
Why the hell are you paying 70% of household costs?!
My partner can cook, clean the house and look after the kiddo, arguably, better than me. However, we do have an agreement where he pays 75% towards household costs and I do 75% of all chores (I work from home, it is easier for me). It's an agreement, we talked about it, we decided that this is best for everyone to do it this way. He didn't just one day decide that he wasn't going to pull his weight. If I had to pay for everything AND do everything myself, there would be no point whatsoever to have a man in the house.

it needs to be the full amount of what they both earn. It's family money why does a 'proportional' amount need to be in place?

Also you say OH...are you married? If not who owns the house?
I think you might be someone who doesn't own property, isn't married, has paid for everything and done all the childcare and had no claim on anything. I really hope not.

We’re very 50/50, we still have different skill sets though, I do all the cooking, where he is naturally more organised so he does a bit more of the appointment booking, holidays, holiday clubs etc than I do. We have shared finances, so there isn’t really a financial split of costs.

Bearing in mind I was always the higher earner husband 1 did nothing, husband 2 did less than nothing and was always moaning.
These gems assumed being male would get them a maid to wait on them hand and foot.
In the end I decided it would be easier to go it alone and it is.
How would your H cope if you were ill or died? He doesn't know anything about his children.

There's no point in him being out of the house 12 hours a day and only contributing 30% of the costs. Very handy for him though being unavailable for family and home life.

It shouldn't be, but they are nowhere near that, yet. It was obviously decided at some point, so it would be interesting to know why.

50/50 chores, shared finances, and earn the same salaries.

I work 12 hours a week (we have a disabled child and my elderly parents need support)

Dh works 37 hours a week, usually 3 days in office an hour each way.

Mon- weds I'd do school runs, dog walks, all cleaning and cooking and visit parents

Thursday and Friday I work so dh does dog walk, I cook and he does dishwasher.

Saturday I work so dh has dc, he also does dog walk and cooking. I do dishwasher

Sunday dh gets a lay in, household tasks are split.

I do all mornings. We do bedtime together.

Finances all one pot both have same spending money.

But dh does none of the mental load/organising. That's all on me.

Married and both own the house. We’re together since young so never discussed how things would work with kids etc.
it’s like I grew up and he didn’t. We’ve had rows after rows asking him to step up, nothing changes.
even the mental load of knowing what’s on every week, what’s coming up, noticing there being no milk for morning. He takes no initiative in anything family or home related.
I’ve told him it’s over, he’s not my partner in this family and I won’t keep begging for crumbs.
he says I’m the unreasonable one and after a while I start doubting myself