AIBU to be jealous?

[AIBU2bjealous]

Alright MN, I'm here for your honesty. I'm a bit jealous of DH's friend and DH's realtionship with her. AIBU? Some details changed as they're outing.

DH has a friend, Sarah. They've known each other since uni, they both studied competitive programmes, let's say in rocket science. Sarah has gone on to have a prestigious career and earns well. She's also quite beautiful and stylish. She is married with DC. DH chose an alternate career (civil service) and has done well through the years but doesn't have the life that Sarah does. They've never dated or had a romantic relationship but have kept in contact over 20 years. We moved back to DH's hometown where Sarah also settled and they have seen each other every couple of months, sometimes as families, sometimes they go to the pub alone.

Several months ago, DH and Sarah went out alone. DH came home round 23:00, not too late but I could tell he'd had a few drinks. He doesn't drink much, maybe a pint or gin and tonic after dinner but never more. The next day, he said he was going to stop drinking and he felt he'd had too much. He didn't see Sarah for several months afterwards and when I asked how she was doing (since it seemed a long time since he'd mentioned her) he sort of brushed it off. The next time he saw her was together with our families. I noticed that she looks at DH with big eyes and is quite complementary of him ("oh you're so lucky to have a partner who does X/Y/Z."). She'd never been like this before and never looked at him that way, it made me feel a bit uncomfrotable because she really looked at him with longing and was sort of fawning over him. He hasn't seen her since then, until he told me he made plans to see her next week.

I will admit to being a bit jealous of her, she seems so perfect (she is beautiful and stylish and always looks so put together, she is brilliant (she's a rocket scientist!), her home looks like a page from a magazine. I've never felt this way about any of DH"s other friends (he has other women friends and I'm not bothered by it). I asked him once about their relationship and he said "if something were going to happen it would have happened already," which wasn't exactly reassuring to me?

AIBU to be jealous? AIBU to feel a bit odd about the encounter?

Jealous? No. He chose you. He sounds sensible. It's not as if he sees her every week. Envious? Maybe - it would be natural to be a bit envious of someone who is stylish, successful, etc. But let me be the first to say that comparison is the thief of joy!

I can see why you'd be jealous and I'd have to ask him why things changed from that night and if anything happened.
Going forward though I'd look at amazing things about yourself and try not to compare to others

do you think there's something going on or he has feelings for her?

if not don't be jealous

Sounds like the dynamic has changed.
Perhaps Sarah's life isn't as perfect as you think and she made a clumsy pass at him.

The way you describe things it does somehow sound as though something happened at their date at the pub months ago.
Your DH's behaviour changed and the nature of their relationship seems to have changed.
I think you are right to be wary going forward.

I'm sure he's wonderful in your eyes, but if she's married with DC and is beautiful and successful I'm pretty sure she 'friend zoned' him years ago.

You describe her as 'perfect' and 'brilliant' but it doesn't sound like you actually know her very well as a person - just what you see on a surface level.

I think I'd be a bit suspicious at the change in behaviour in both after a night out together?

Sounds like she made a pass or overtones and your dh might have basked a bit (not actually done anything but basked a bit in someone showing an interest in him whilst they were drinking). Now he is mildly horrified and side stepping her

@Hankunamatata that's sort of what I've been thinking? I don't think that he has feelings for her but I will admit readily (as perhaps apparent here) I am a bit insecure. We do have a strong relationship and are good with and to each other, although we are also parents to two young DCs (2 and 4) so it\s not like we are having candelit dinners every week. We are laughing about being snotted on and when DS does a wee on the floor and misses the potty. It is a sweet time but not the most romantic? Her DC are a bit older, so she's sleeping better and capable of holding an intelligent conversation (I'm still sleep deprived and dozing off in front of the telly at night 😴)

He's never given me a reason to doubt him but as @Crazycatlady79 said it was the change in behaviour that stuck out to me. When we first moved back to the village, they did see each other somewhat frequently (again, both alone and with partners and DCs), perhaps once per month. Until the "not drinking anymore" night and then there was a long pause, when we saw each other as families, and nothing until now.

I don't want to drip feed so I will admit that I had a partner in my early 20s who cheated on me (fully had another relationship going!) but he had also started a relationship with me whilst ending the previous one (had told me they were over but it wasn't actually so), so it wasn't a massive surprise. Otherwise I don't tend to be too suspicious and trust DH implicitly. I sort of want to ask him if something happened that night, but I don't know that I actually want to know the truth. And I also think he might actually be a bit hurt by it, that I wouldn't trust him? (Although it could be that she made a pass after a few too many drinks and he turned her down with nothing further happening...)

and here’s an update: I asked where they were going, he said she invited him over to her house after dinner. Her husband is out of town but the kids will be home sleeping. AIBU or is that odd??

Yes it’s weird. I have male friends but I would never invite them over individually when my dp is away. Out of respect and love for my dp, as I know it would make him uneasy.

Maybe they had a snog but no shagging and he realised in time.

Yeah I think it's odd. Keep your wits about you!

That's a big fat nope, I would feel so disrespected if my DH did that.

Husband away, kids in bed, her cooking dinner for him, it's all a bit cosy, isn't it.

Something happened that night. If he's saying he isn't going to drink again I'd say it was him leading it. What ever it was.

Oh no, this is not good OP.
Why aren't you invited?

OP has a new thread named ‘AIBU to be suspicious?’

So basically the Penny vs Leslie debate ? with Leonard in the middle ?

Goodness op, how many threads on this.

I agree. Something happened that night.

Maybe they drank too much and spoke candidly about how they’ve never got together Maybe dh (or Sarah) let slip that he did once fancy her , (or vice versa) and realised he said too much. However, it also sounds like he knew he’d (or her) gone to far, and he made steps to rectify the situation. Ie avoiding her.

Hiwever, inviting him to her house is wrong.If she can’t get a babysitter, rearrange the meal (could you suggest this?).

Unpopular opinion(?) I wouldn't like this at all. It wpuld be a big fat NO from me and I'd be taking pro-active steps to safe guard my marriage.

I'd be finding a baby sitter and joining them for that cosy dinner with annnnd I'd be using that baby sitter to have a few more regular date nights with your dh.

There are exceptions to this but as a generalisation on male/female friendships...

i'd assume your dh "liked" her from uni days and she never reciprocated... he moved on... and then as per @Hankunamatata s post shes unhappy or having a low self esteem moment / whatever and made some kind of a pass.
I think you are already know that something has happened and clearly its sexual in nature.

Over my dead body would my DH be going!

I know I’m bumping an old thread, but are you sure your DH was honest in saying it was her who made advances? Men can lie. Why would someone beautiful and successful, and presumably married to an equally impressive man, be throwing herself at your DH?