To be angry at my husband?

[TARNSSA]

My husband, my MIL, and our two young children (2 years old and 3 months old) went out together yesterday in public for the first time in a long time.

I'm a stay at home mum and he works full time.

We went to a restaurant and both kids needed a nappy change.

I asked my husband for help changing them in front of MIL.

"- Can you help me get them changed?
-What do you mean?
-I could get DD changed and you change DS
-Get DD changed first and come back for DS
-But I would be going back and forth, could you help me?
-I just paid."
I ended up getting them both changed but I found it mean and tbh a bit embarrassing in front of MIL.

AIBU to feel angry and feel it was really mean and it implies just because he makes money I have to do it all and he's comfortable enough to say it in front of his mum? Or is it no big deal and I should get over it?

thing is he does change their nappies at home, but it felt like he almost felt embarrassed in front of his mum?
she was beyond horrible to me and always tried to be the matriarch in the beginning of our relationship and he used to obey everything she said, and even egged her on

Ugh OP I'm sorry you're in this situation. Took me years of effort and conversations to find a middle ground with my DH about how parenting was going to work between us. There were various things that he just wouldn't volunteer for, but would do when asked, and he had no idea why that was an issue. Took me explaining again and again and again that 'noone is asking me, i'm just doing it....so why do i need to ask you?! They're your kids as much as mine...just do it!'. It as got better, though not perfect.

i.e. in the car today our son asked a question and DH was just quiet, the assumption being that if a child has spoken then it was my responsibility to listen and respond. It's bloody exhausting. But sadly all I've learned is that speaking to people on mumsnet isn't going to improve the situation. You need to tell him, often and in a very clear and direct manner. Don't hint, don't mince your words, tell him the expectations and make sure you stick to your guns.

he just said "it's the first thing that came into my head, I didn't want to sound lazy"

Any chance he thought that he should stay to talk to his mother. Would it have been different if it was your mother?

'even egged her on'

Can I ask why you married this awful man when he showed his true colours so early on? This is who he is. He doesn't respect you. when you go out again with him, have the talk before you leave the house that he will be expected to parent his dc when out just as you expect it at home.

As a MIL, my golden rule is never to intervene in an argument between my DS and my DDIL.

I would have said something to DS later, though.

It sounds like he has possible mother issues? Not wanting to displease her or go against her, trying to placate her, etc?

Shocking behaviour

If my son ever did that I'd be telling him to get his lazy arse off the chair and do his share of the parenting.

His job only absolves him from parenting when he's actually doing it, at all other times he should be parenting 50/50 with you.

What a degrading way to treat you; he paid for your dinner, so effectively you're his staff member now?

Did he mean he had just paid as in financially paid for the meal, or could he have meant he was just stood at the bar sorting payment and just sat back down? I think he should have done one and you the other regardles, but that woul make a difference to the context.

Wow what a prick.

he was happy to BE lazy as long as he didn't SOUND lazy to his mum?

that's actually even worse.

it may have been at least forgivable by some people if he'd just panicked and flapped, or he'd had a concern about someone in the men's toilets, but to have enough consideration to choose to be lazy and try to pretend you're not is just awful.

no the bill was given to us at the table and he had already paid a few minutes before

Yeah, that's pretty awful then I'm afraid...

Get back to work

You need your own money and your own pension

So you feel he was undermining you to show off in front of her? Reverting to his / their previous behaviour to demonstrate that you are the 'lesser' person? Not acceptable.

Is he otherwise a shit parent? What a bizarre explanation that he didn’t want to sound lazy so said ‘I’ve just paid’ as though him being the one providing the money makes refusing to help parent his own dc ok?

Didn’t sleep well?

Is this a one off? Has he made comments like this before, are things otherwise ok? Because this behaviour is not normal or respectful and it usually doesn’t come out of the blue and without prior issues. I would not be financially dependent on this asshole.

I assume he has set working hours?. Perhaps remind him that whilst he does he work x to x and get days off, you do not get time from parenting and neither does he.
He and his mother are selfish lazy people. I would be very unhappy with their attitude, I mean also Granny could help too, you said, you went out as a family. Family helps each other no.
Don’t ask next time, place the baby on his lap and tell him, I’m changing bob and bill needs changing. Please please don’t keep asking, I speak from experience you’re in for years of excuses.