This is long.
My parents are in their 70s and live abroad. DM (74) has npd traits. Actually, textbook narcissist.
She manipulates me emotionally, and has no boundaries. She is verbally abusive to my DF (78) and controlling, using coercive control tactics to get him to do exactly what she wants. He isn't happy but doesn't recognise it's abuse. He cries a lot and is withdrawn.
Examples of her behaviour with him:
She uses control to stop him doing anything outside of the house without her. He has to wait on her and do all the chores because she's ill and needs support (she's not ill). He used to swim everyday and was in pretty good nick for his age. He's now not allowed to go swimming as it's taking too much time. He's looking frail as a result. Her usual tactics are to claim ill health. There is always a new thing wrong with her. She had a genuine health issue in 2022 but has carried it on. She's had every test going and is completely fine (for her age). He has to do exactly what she wants how she wants it done, when she wants it done. If not he's shouted at and belittled. Called selfish and is living like a single man.
She tells him what he can and can't eat and drink and punishes him if he doesn't obey by shouting at him that she'll be destitute if he dies- his pension will half. She constantly criticises him to the extent that my DC don't really like her anymore because they see her being mean to their DGF. She's called him a moron in front of them (not in a jokey way), presumably by accident as she generally keeps it to low level criticism in public. This gives us a bit of an insight into what happens behind closed doors.
Examples of her behaviour with me:
She claims to be ill if called out behaviour. Eg I asked her not to post personal comments about my family circumstances on my strava account. She took to her bed ill for a few days and "couldn't/wouldn't" speak to me for a week.
She claims the doctors have given certain advice eg diets to follow/contraindicated drugs not to take. Turns out none of this is true. She's imagining she's ill to keep attention. She insists on cutting out dairy and gluten because if her ill health and harps on about it at every opportunity. Food has become a weapon. She has no diagnosed allergy and has not, in fact, been advised to do this by doctors as she claims. Every time I speak to her there's a new health concern. Her liver test results mean she may need a liver transplant. Then her gums are rejecting her dental implant because she has too many antibodies attacking her tissue. Then she had lupus.
A few years ago my parents gave me money towards a house. She uses this to guilt trip me and has even recently had me send her a significantly (to me) sum of money because they're struggling financially. I've borrowed this money. Turns out they're not. DF confirms that they're doing OK. She wanted some work done on their house (he wasn't fussed). Nothing that needed to be done. No offer to pay ir back from either of them.
She has recently started to tell me that my DF frightens her and is verbally abusing her- in reality, he's getting cross at her behaviour so she tells everyone he's having a breakdown.
She sends me detailed messages about how vile my DF is to her. She claims this is triggering as she was abused as a child. In reality he's just at his wits end and is trying to establish boundaries. She claims she's having panic attacks and flashbacks to get childhood when he shouts.
She has also tried these tactics with my husband including highlighting how much money they gave us and what support she's given us (childcare when DCs were little). She wrote him a long letter about it when he called her out for not returning our DCs to us at an agreed time and not having a phone on her. She said she couldn't be around us and would be going away for xmas that year because he was so rude and ungrateful. She knows he's fragile with bi polar disorder and GAD. He doesn't work due to the severity of his mental health problems and her behaviour impacted his recovery, triggering a relapse in his condition. I also have anxiety issues. He's mental health is improving now we don't live near them, and he's started to retrain.
I'm now going low contact, and it's helping. I'm only just aware that this is narcissistic abuse.
I've already booked them plane tickets to stay with us over Christmas for 5 days. We'd be giving up our bedroom and sleeping on the sofa bed to accommodate them. We’re in our 50s so not as agile as we used to be. Plus my husband struggles with sleep due to his own health condition.
I'm not sure I can play happy families with her for that long after she's basically scammed me for money last week and is behaving in a way that I wouldn't tolerate from anyone else in my life.
My DPs don't know the tickets are booked so we can back out. I'd like to see my Dad and give him some company but they come as a package.
AIBU to not host her and stay low contact? Am I feeling conditioned guilt?