How can I be better at making my child do homework

[Hufflemuff]

My ADHD DS is going into year 6 and I'm stressing he's going to bomb his SATS. I need help in being better at getting him to work at home! He is behind in all subjects by a bit, so he can catch up, but I really need to pull my socks up here. I need to just find a way to be better for him...

So DS school is homework free, all they need to do is read for 20 mins a night and do a maths game app which takes about 5 mins. Sounds easy right?

I don't want to turn this into a school bashing post, when it's about me basically abandoning my responsibility to get my son to do home reading for almost 2 years.

BUT... The school have a really shit book level system (based on quizzing on a book after reading it) which kept DS on really infantile books, despite being capable of more at home. So for example, he could read Fantastic Mr Fox at home, but he would come home with a school given book - something even more basic than the Gruffalo. His peers were mocking him, he lost all confidence and associated reading with feeling very small. Despite 3 meetings with his year 3 and year 4 teachers on the same topic and numerous emails, school refused to put him on the books he was showing me he could read at home - so I thought - fuck them! I even gave up writing in his reading journal altogether in April last school year.

I'm not a mum who gives into her kid, I'm really not - but I find the whole reading at bedtime so awful. It's the worst way to end the day - on a huge argument! I've tried moving the time he reads to the morning - shit argument before school. I've tried after school - exhausted after school and winging he's had enough learning. I've tried after a snack and a break at home for 30 minutes... I've tried not allowing devices until he's read. On the flipside, I've tried sticker charts, rewards, praise, freedom to choose any books, choice to read wherever he wants to etc. I've even tried to set him up with a private tutoring group!

With the maths - it's an app that rewards daily streaks. He got to 100 days before then we went away and forgot it for 2 days and he lost his whole streak and had to go back to day 1. He never wants to touch it anymore due to this. Plus he's never going to compete with the 3 kids in his class that are on over 700 day streaks. So he thinks - why bother!

I need your tips and tricks please!

Does he have the maturity to understand why this stuff is important (and it's not so he can do well in his SATS, which really don't matter)?

I'd try and do away with all of the bribes and punishments and nagging and try treating him like someone who has a stake in his own future success. Try and motivate him to want to do it for its own sake rather than arbitrary rewards/ punishments.

Does he know what he wants to be when he grows up?

My son has ASD and we found that the stress of homework just wasn’t worth it. He was on the verge of burnout after school anyway so we decided to just stop homework, didn’t send him to the revision classes etc.

He found it much easier to be at school without having additional stuff afterwards.

He was generally ‘working towards’ according to the teachers and I didn’t think he’d pass his SATS owing to the pressure.

I told him from day 1 that I wasn’t interested in anything other than him doing his best to get through the week.

He got over 100 in all and 117 in one which was the highest for that paper in his year.

If you can concentrate of getting him to be happy and engage at school that is plenty in my opinion.

BTW he has an EHCP and is going to a specialist senior school.

I don't know if its the ADHD, the lack of maturity or a bit of self preservation - but he completely glazes over when you try and have a serious or profound conversation with him...

He will make infuriatingly stupid comments/argumentative quips to me when I try and be serious/kind.

We never bothered with the set homework from school or reading the school scheme books.

Your DC should read any book that interests them at home. All reading is good 😊. Fiction, non-fiction, newspapers, magazines, annuals, football programmes, anything really. And for Maths practice you can make up games to do at home or find ideas online.

Don’t get hung up on SATs. They’re a measure of the school not your kid, and they are pretty meaningless once DC get to Y7.

Absolutely do not worry about the SATs ( I say this as a teacher) they mean nothing to anyone who matters!
With the reading, it sounds like the school think he isn't fully understanding what he is reading as he isn't able to answer the questions afterwards. If this is the case, just discuss the books he does like reading to help him with his comprehension. I can add some questions you could use- if useful.
Sometimes parents are not the person to do work with at home. Would you consider a tutor, as he might respond better to working with them?

I don’t blame him for not wanting to read inappropriately easy books at home - it sounds humiliating and boring. But if he is reading other books, just let him do that. It doesn’t matter what the school sets, all that matters is that he is reading - and if he is reading more challenging material at home than at school, that is far better for him.

Again with maths, find a different app or website or book - there are lots out there. Again, what matters is that he practises the content, not that he uses a particular app. The competitive streak angle works for some kids but not for others, so forget it and find something he enjoys more.

When ds was in primary school I agreed with them he would read every night but not the school books because he wasn’t finding them engaging. He is now going into year 10 and we still read together every night.

reading needs to be for pleasure not as a chore

Try being on his side, you have made a very insightful observation about him that he can do better when he's given agency and he succeeds at reading. So nurture that. Cook together at tea time, some thing simple but from a recipe book? Get him to help you with the instructions so you guys can get through the steps and make the recipe. Needs a bit of forward planning (have you got all the ingredients etc) but I promise you it works. I think, as its been said by others here, it's important to focus on his happiness. Get him to read from cereal packets, food wrappers the menu at McDonald's etc.

Schools take on learning systems that they subscribe to but some times are less successful at catering for children with different learning needs. But seriously, how can anyone expect him to be enthusiastic about a system which is not catering to his needs or interests. To reassure you, he will learn from literature from every where in life not just from systemised reading systems in school. On buses, in cinemas, museums, online, literally everywhere, even recipe books! Buy (or borrow) him books and magazines on anything he's interested in and just leave them on the table. Read them your self and pull out a few nuggets of info, mention it in conversation now and again, before you know it he'll be checking them out himself.

I agree school bashing posts don't really help apart from the therapeutic venting but there will be times when you will need to advocate for him if some thing is causing him a problem. That's your absolute responsibility. You're on his side no matter what.

If he's set home work give him a space and peace and time to do it. But if he refuses then the home is not a battle ground and fighting with him every night is not an option either. His school will have their own consequences for not doing home work and he'll have to negotiate that if he won't do it with your help and support.

Don't worry about the Sat's. Proven non indicator of a child's future success. The stress children and their teachers suffer getting through them can be very damaging. Same as a post I read earlier, one of mine was so worried about them I told him I wasn't. That it wasn't an indicator of his real ability, he did them and achieved levels two years above his ability but I really wouldn't have cared if he hadn't. I'll put that remark in context, my profession is teaching.
I've read the papers, the abstracts the research, I'm confident I took the right approach with him. Each child is different and we are supposed to teach the whole child.
The fact that you care so much about this is testimony to your concern for your child. Maybe you could enlist some help from the sendco or student support department. He just needs a few short term achievable targets in his learning plan that are meaningful to him, that don't emphasise a sense of otherness or defeat for him and that may well mean that the school approach needs adjusting but you can all work on that together. He must be at the centre of everything and included in planning and strategising so that he can take ownership of it.

I'm standing shoulder to shoulder with you in support of your wish to find something that works for you both moving forward. The fact that you are concerned is commendable. Remember the home is not a battleground, if he won't do it (homework or reading) there's nothing you can do. A dialogue with school might help. A relationship with him that includes how he feels about all of this will be invaluable. So he know he matters to you, so he knows that he can trust you, that you're not judging him but rather, youre trying to find a solution to help and that there are choices to make.

All the best, please update us as to how it goes, I shall think about you both and wish you well.

There's some great advice on here, keep your self plugged in, some of it may help and some not but it's great for you to learn from the experiences of others and realise you're not alone in this difficulty.