To not know what to do about “birth dad” funeral

[addoppnamechang]

Will start by saying I’ve name changed and changed a couple of details as this is quite specific.

I am an adopted child. I get on well with “immediate” birth family (I have two sisters and a brother). However my birth parents have never told wider family that I exist (we have been in contact for around 8 years).

sadly my birth father has passed away, and funeral is coming up. My family want me to come but wider family still don’t know. I have no idea whether the plan is for them to be told or for me to act like a “family friend” (though I look like them).

I am not sure if I want to go. I’d like to lay my respects, but don’t want to be a spectacle or upset the day.

anyine Been in a similar situation or have any advice?

Adoptee here. We are constantly having to think about the needs of everyone else in the triad and upsetting people with our existence aren't we? You need to absolutely put yourself first in this situation if it's something you feel you need to do for closure. I would go and stand at the back so I could leave if it got too much. You do what you can handle and ensure there's support for you afterwards as I imagine it will feel very strange and sad. Take care. X

Is there any possibility of joining by zoom? I was at a memorial service today and zoom was set up for elderly/infirm, along with those in different countries.

Hugs for you x

If your birth siblings and their mum want you there, and you want to be there, then go. You can support each other.

If you don’t want to be there or someone close to you doesn’t want you there then it’s safest to skip. You won’t be in the mood for navigating drama.

You may feel uncomfortable for not grieving him the same way the DC he brought up will- have you had any counselling about that? You might be surprised by emotion- perhaps sadness and grief, perhaps anger. It’s good you are thinking it through.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Im sorry about your loss OP.

This is a really awkward situation for you. Funerals are very difficult occasions even without the added complications you have to face.

Is it possible for you not to attend the actual funeral but for there to be some sort of memorial service for yourself and the members of your family who do know about you at a slightly later date? Something more private which would allow you to pay your respects?

I missed my grandad's funeral for the same reason. It was years ago but it still hurts. I don't honestly know what the best thing to do is but just wanted to say I'm sorry you're in this situation and it's really unfair that you are. Like izzy2076 said, we're constantly thinking about others' needs.

My husband traced his birth mum some 10 years ago. A very happy reunion and two wonderful halfsiblings from her later marriage. (Teenager when he was born.) His mother's sister died and we went to the funeral. A lot of family there and they all knew about us and were most welcoming. Good luck.

This is so spot on,
I feel like my very existence is a “fuss” to my birth family

its an odd dynamic - my family are all aware of them and have met my birth parents and brother and sister. Their equivalent family have zero idea that I exist.