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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To still feel anger and uneasiness?

12 replies

ellie09 · 24/08/2024 20:17

I am now 31. So this happened many years ago.

I was 14. I had an 19 year old boyfriend at the time. I remember being showered with presents, treated very well, but I also remember the forcing me to do certain activities. It lasted 6 months and I had a pregnancy scare at the end as he stopped using condoms (it turned out I had a miscarriage).

I was bought lingerie etc also during our relationship, and now that I am older, looking back, it sickens me.

My parents obviously found out when he dumped me and I took a complete breakdown and told them everything.

I went through 2 years of providing police statements abd evidence including at a sexual assault clinic which was traumatizing.

In the end, nothing came of it as the CPS missed a deadline to submit paperwork, and I was told that I would need to start all over again, which I wasnt prepared to do.

I still see this man as he lives locally. He has 3 kids now and one for them is a girl. He's married. He hasn't went without bad times either as he had a brain tumour at one stage.

But I still get a horrible, sickly feeling if I happen to see him in Tesco etc. I feel worried for a young daughter in his care, and possibly other young girls. I feel ashamed that I didnt see it through, at the time all those years ago.

As more time passes, I feel so angry that nobody knows, and he is seemingly a "normal member of society" that was or is a paedophile, depending on how you look at things.

Especially with the recent "stings" we see on social media, I wish these had existed back then.

AIBU to still have these feelings after all this time and was IBU for not going through it all again?

Hr had admitted everything to police and is was a cert for conviction, a paperwork error let it all down.

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 24/08/2024 22:18

You can’t just shrug these things off

I would contact rape crisis and get some counselling

I am so sorry you went through that OP

cupcaske123 · 24/08/2024 22:27

Try SARAS , they have a helpline for people who have experienced sexual abuse recently or historically.
https://www.sarsas.org.uk/support-and-information/i-need-help/

You could also contact NAPAC which is for those who have experienced childhood abuse.

I need help – SARSAS

https://www.sarsas.org.uk/support-and-information/i-need-help

Neodymium · 24/08/2024 22:37

I had an argument with a friend over similar situation. Except she stayed with the 19 year old (she also was 14 when they got together) and married him. She said her stepfather still to this day hates her husband and she doesn’t understand why. I said that I totally get it and her partner was in the wrong, no matter how it turned out now.

Elsvieta · 25/08/2024 17:25

Yeah, he's a cunt but "abused a 14yo when he was 19" is not the same thing as "would molest his own daughters". The two things aren't related. His daughters are almost certainly fine. Get some therapy if you need, but there's nothing you can do about his kids, and there's very, very little chance that they need you to. Sorry you still have to see him around, it's really crap.

MontagueMoo · 25/08/2024 17:32

He's a complete twat but he's not a paedophile and there's no suggestion he would abuse his daughters.

I'm really sorry for what you went through. You could try to see if the CPS are willing to reopen the case? It would definitely be helpful to get yourself some therapy to help you deal with the anxiety and stress it's causing you.

curtaintwitcher78 · 25/08/2024 17:38

MontagueMoo · 25/08/2024 17:32

He's a complete twat but he's not a paedophile and there's no suggestion he would abuse his daughters.

I'm really sorry for what you went through. You could try to see if the CPS are willing to reopen the case? It would definitely be helpful to get yourself some therapy to help you deal with the anxiety and stress it's causing you.

He is a paedophile. He was an adult and he had sex with a child. I'm not saying he'd abuse his own daughters but he is the definition of a paedophile.

MontagueMoo · 25/08/2024 17:40

curtaintwitcher78 · 25/08/2024 17:38

He is a paedophile. He was an adult and he had sex with a child. I'm not saying he'd abuse his own daughters but he is the definition of a paedophile.

A paedophile is someone who has an attraction to pre-pubescent children. A 19 year old sleeping with a 14 year old does not fit this category.

Thevelvelletes · 25/08/2024 17:40

Or he could have been an inadequate 19 year old incapable of forming a relationship with a girl his own age.

Babyworriesreal · 25/08/2024 17:42

Thevelvelletes · 25/08/2024 17:40

Or he could have been an inadequate 19 year old incapable of forming a relationship with a girl his own age.

Oh that's OK then....

curtaintwitcher78 · 25/08/2024 17:43

Thevelvelletes · 25/08/2024 17:40

Or he could have been an inadequate 19 year old incapable of forming a relationship with a girl his own age.

Poor lamb.

Thevelvelletes · 25/08/2024 17:43

No,it's most certainly not ok.

JLou08 · 25/08/2024 17:47

You are not unreasonable at all. Sorry you went through that. It was very brave of you to go through with the police investigation, it's down to the CPS that he wasn't prosecuted, it's not your fault at all and you should feel no guilt for not being able to go through the process again.

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