AIBU to ask my kids to relieve my guilt

[conflictedmum82]

NC for fear of outing.

2 years ago I left my extremely unhappy marriage. ExDH is a pretty successful musician and we have 2 DC and I have an older DS.

I asked him to leave our lovely family home 6 times across 4 years due to the unhappiness in the marriage but he flat refused. Eventually I found my own home and moved out with my 3 DC.

He was incandescent at my audacity and has told a very different story about our breakup (due to his minor 'fame' I have had to just swallow this as it's widely believed)

My DC and I now live the life I wanted for so long - peace, relaxation, laughter, fun, no ego, no drama etc.

My question is - how do you live with the guilt of turning everybody's lives upside down? My DC see their DF twice a fortnight but I find myself in a constant state of guilt that I turned their lives upside down and split up their family. I really want to ask them if they're happier now (they're 18 and 8 for context, older DS is 23 and he's very frank with me so don't need to ask him) but I think I'm being selfish in doing this, I think I'm just looking for reassurance and that's not my DC's role, to reassure me. Has anybody felt like this before?

I haven’t been in your situation but I think you sound self aware and realise that your own need to feel you did the right thing will negatively impact conversations with your kids.

It is ok to ask them how do they now feel about you and their dad being apart, in fact I think it’s good to do so, BUT only if you think you can come at it with an attitude of openness to however they feel. If you do feel that, they will sense it and be able to be open with you, good and bad. However, if you come at it secretly hoping ‘please say it was a good thing because I need reassurance’, they will feel that too and it will be pressure on them.

Not judging at all - your feelings are completely valid, but you need to be honest with yourself if you’re really wanting to let them speak about your feelings or just reassurance for yourself. If it’s the latter then it’s better taking that chat to your friends and adult relatives.

It’s not your children’s job to reassure you.

Why do you need their reassurance if you know you ‘live the life I wanted for so long - peace, relaxation, laughter, fun, no ego, no drama etc.’?

It sounds more like you want them to praise you and tell you their dad is awful.

You're right it's not their job. I also think kids might change their opinions on things as they grow and it's likely to be more nuanced than yours as he's their dad. Kids are hard wired to love parents IMO.

That said, sounds like you did the right thing by them and you. Maybe seek reassurance elsewhere, like MN! The new life you portray sounds wonderful, enjoy it.

I think it's fine to have conversations with your children about how they feel about it, but equally it needs to be done freely with no expectations of their response and so that they can tell you honestly how they feel without worry of upsetting you. I think it depends on how you'd feel/ react if you got a negative response? Personally I think you need to think about the fact that if you were really miserable in the relationship then that meant your children weren't getting the best of you. You took the steps you needed to take to ensure you could be the best version of yourself which in turn makes you the best parent you can be. Your kids might not be aware of this and really they won't know any different, they haven't had to experience you at your worst feeling trapped because you didn't leave. So really I don't think there's anything they can give you that you can't give yourself op.

You really really can’t ask your eighteen year old, but especially not your eight year old child to tell you you made the right decision. You’re asking them to be involved in your adult relationship, support you and your feelings and to take sides against their own father. And what are you going to do in the unlikely event they tell you what you don’t want to hear? Fine to talk to them about how they feel about things, but it has to be from the perspective of you as the parent helping them with their feelings and thoughts, not the other way around.

I’d suggest getting counselling to deal with these feelings of guilt and talking about it with a trained and neutral adult.

If you want to know how your DC are feeling in the aftermath, then that's OK. You are going further and admitting you want to know to assuage your guilt, which is very self aware and honest of you. However, to some extent irrelevant as its perfectly reasonable to explore this with them so you know if they are OK for themselves iyswim? I'd recommend you go very carefully and openly. Take care not to lead. So rather than 'are you happier now?' try 'how are you feeling now about our new life?'

"..live the life I wanted for so long - peace, relaxation, laughter, fun, no ego, no drama etc."

This is gold. You can't put a price on it - money can't buy it. This is a gift you've given your children too.

Don't sabotage it by ruminating.

You need therapy.

You are still listening to your ex

I don't think it's appropriate to ask if they are happier.

I do think it's appropriate to say that you are conscious that a lot has changed, and how are they feeling.

However, if you open that conversation, you have to be prepared to sit with their feelings, and their feelings may not be the ones you want. If you aren't ready to deal with them potentially feeling the opposite way to you, I would not entertain the conversation, and make sure that all three of you have support in place via another means to talk about your feelings, like some counselling.