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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Because my MIL is really, really doing my head in??? (Soz but really need to vent)!

49 replies

Beelliesebub · 17/04/2008 11:40

DH and I moved to Cumbria over 3 years ago and during this time mil did the expected guilt thing. She's a widow and lives on her own. Her daughter can't bear her, her other son decided he wanted nothing to do with her 15 years ago and she's never seen hide nor hair of him since and as for my dh, he promised his dad he'd look after her, so there you have it. By all accounts dh and his siblings have no fond childhood memories, well none that include her anyway. Anyway in January we finally moved her up here and for some unknown reason the whole freckin duty of care has landed itself squarely at my feet. Now don't get me wrong I'm not an unreasonable women but I am really starting to get the arse about it now and it not helped by the fact that she seems to want to wind me up on purpose and I'm really not freckin amused. She takes my dogs toys off them and gives them to her dog, on Sunday her dog clawed a hole in her arm when she handed it to her while my dog's just looked on wondering what she'd done to have her toy took off her, she refuses to walk anywhere and I mean anywhere and just assumes that I'm her personal freckin taxi, in fact it got so bad that I refused to have the car on any day except Monday and Thursday, if she wants something doing she insinuates along the lines of "Oh, I could put something there but I need such and such doing first". Why.....why would a person do that Grrrrrr and if she whines about the weather one more freckin time I swear I'm gonna attack her with a piece of rubber hose! (doesn't show bruises, apparently)!!!
Please, please, please will you all help with you wisdom and help me get all this into perspective before I maim her!

OP posts:

chamaeleon · 17/04/2008 12:39

well he cant make you say no any more than he can make his mum stop asking. if he has a word with her but you wont stand up to her it will be trouble for nothing. ignore her calls or say no. do you work or have kids to look after? great excuse to say no. otheriwse you could consider telling the truth that you dont want to.

Original poster

Beelliesebub · 17/04/2008 12:47

You're right pot... I actually have to lock all my doors when I'm in the house now because if I don't she just walks in. The last time she did it I was in the shower and event though the front door was locked she unlocked my back gate and came in my back door....
I didn't answer when she mentioned about Wednesday, partly because I think she'll think I'm being funny and then I think "NO... frac her, I wanna be funny" but anyone else, including my dad, I'd say it like it is!
Why does she have this effect on me? I sway between feeling sorry for her and wanting bury her under the patio!

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 17/04/2008 12:49

PHONE HER NOW!!!!!!

nametaken · 17/04/2008 12:55

Are you a troll

isn't Beelliesebub another name for the devil

MinkyBorage · 17/04/2008 12:56

It sounds like a nightmare, but you need to stand up for yourself or things will get worse and worse. Take a spare toy for her dog so when she takes your dogs toy, take it back and give her dog new toy. Not much but makes the point. Lock the dodrs when you're in. But most importantly you need to let her know that you are not her personal taxi service. I may be inclined to make up a different excuse each time, rather than actually having word with her, it sounds like she'd get all dramatic and not listen anyway. Go out when she needs to go for her perm. She's in the habit of using you, and she needs to regain some independence, and you need to help her...........and if this doesn;t work, go for the hose pipe option!

MamaG · 17/04/2008 12:57

Whereabouts in Cumbria are you>?

nametaken · 17/04/2008 12:58

Sorry now I see your not a troll - I just thought your situation sounded so awful it must be a joke

You have my sympathy - you need to just learn to say no

fireflytoo · 17/04/2008 13:12

It is really hard to say no to MIL's...she is afterall the mother of your DH.

You have been turned into her mother. I don't think she will change. My xMIL used to drive me up the wall too. The only person here who can change things is you. Talk to your DH and asks him what he means with "its up to you".... How will he feel about the hosepipe idea for instance?

She sounds like a complete drain on your sanity and she is behaving like a manipulator of the worst sort... the sort that are really good at making you feel guilty. I think your DH needs to know how she is messing with your sanity.

Original poster

Beelliesebub · 17/04/2008 13:25

Does this mean I've made it on Mumsnet, cos someone asked if I was a troll.... I got all excited for a minute there nametaken and then realised that you thought my situation was awful
I'm in Workington, MamaG.
I've just rang her ddf and said that I can't take her on Wednesday because ds3 and ds4 are going away on Thursday with the school and I'll have too much to do getting them sorted before they go.
I agree, I'm really gonna have to start making excuses, if I don't I'm just gonna blow my stack and it'll all get really ugly.
It is a nightmare Minky. I really, truly am not a weak person but I honestly feel like I'm caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. She does get all dramatic and has a "PANIC ATTACK" when things don't go her way. I think the dog toy thing is a really good idea (I so wanted to say "That'll teach you" last Sunday...lol but I didn't want to be childish...)
And I've decided that dh, ds3 and ds4 are going to be having a family meeting with me later today to sort out their contribution to looking after attila granma...

OP posts:

iloatheironing · 17/04/2008 13:29

As far as I can see you have a few options

Leave things as they are and let off steam on here now and again

Be completely honest with her, tell her exactly how the way she treats you and your home makes you feel. Lay down ground rules and write them down so she knows where she stands on what your are and are not able to do for her.

As others have said learn to say NO, if you keep doing things or allowing things to happen she will never change.

On a personal note there is absolutely NO WAY I would be happy with someone just walking into my home uninvited even if they were family.
Shame you arn't in my situation. My mil lives close enough for us to get there within an hour if she really needs us but far enough away for her to not call unannounced with out ringing first!!!!

Original poster

Beelliesebub · 17/04/2008 13:30

She really is a manipulator fftoo and I'm not sure if dh really can't see it or doesn't want to!

OP posts:

Original poster

Beelliesebub · 17/04/2008 13:39

I can't leave things as they are iloathe because I really wasn't joking about the rubber hosing.....

It's going to be sorted because it's not fair on me, I think I've been more than accomadating and I'm really not in the mood to put up with her crap any more.... If it was my dad I'd wouldn't have a problem in saying "Look dad, you're taking the piss, get a grip of yourself" but it's like fftoo said, she's dh's mum! So who sorts her out him or me? Is he capable?
Maybe the question I should be asking is just that! Who's gonna sort her out you or me?

OP posts:

potoftea · 17/04/2008 13:49

I know it sounds easy to say, but your dh doesn't have a problem with her, you do. Maybe he can just switch off and not feel the guilt that you seem to feel, but you probably won't get much comfort from talking to him. He'll see it as your problem.
She is his mother and as such deserves your respect, but you are her equal, and must remind yourself that you shouldn't take things from her that you wouldn't take from other adults of your aquaintance.

lucyellensmum · 17/04/2008 13:55

Your MIL sounds like a giant pain in the arse, BUT and herein lies the cruch - she sounds like she depends on your emotionally rather than simply taking the piss, if you see what i mean. Is there a way that maybe you could involve her in things where you are actually asking for her help? Dont fall over, but it works for my mum, otherwise she gets all stroppy and self pitying and it does my fecking head in. Just a thought for another approach. Personally i would like to go and live in the middle of exmoor with DP and DDs and never see another soul, but thats just me and we do have to put up with others. I bet she loves you deep down and your DH is lucky that you are so understanding. But yes, you need to impose some limits that she cannot just expect you to drop everything etc.

iloatheironing · 17/04/2008 14:02

I think potoftea has got it spot on. It is you who has a problem with his mum not him. I'm assuming he is at work while you are his mother's personal chaffeur/dogsbody? So he isn't going to do anything to upset her cause it isn't causing him a problem.
I was sugggesting that you could leave things as they are to sort of point out that it wasn't really an option ifyswim.
I have a fil, who is even further away than my mil (they are divorced which if you knew him you would not be in the least bit surprised). It is a bloody good thing he is 300 miles away or there would be no piece of rubber hose long enough!!!!!!His complaining is confined to the phone which has caller display so I don't answer if I know it's him!!!!!!!!!!!!( to give an example he once told my mil I was having an affair wih her new partner because he was jealous and wanted to split them up)

Original poster

Beelliesebub · 17/04/2008 14:18

OMG

I think potoftea's got a point too but what I don't understand is why I feel guilty. It's true, I really really do! It's odd!

I mean at the end of the day, I don't owe her anything, in fact dh would've seen her a lot less if it weren't for me, I know for a fact that she's bad mouthed me to sil but I take it all with a pinch of salt and bil really has nothing to do with her... at all, nothing, nada.....
so why do I feel like if I don't do stuff for her I've let her down, tbh she's not even my responsibility......

I think I'm just a freak!

OP posts:

paros · 17/04/2008 14:23

Third time this week but here is a great site regarding mother in laws . go here for fantastic advice and support .

seriously sort this out now as it will go on for years .

paros · 17/04/2008 14:24

www.motherinlawstories.com
sorry about that

Original poster

Beelliesebub · 17/04/2008 14:29

Excellent, thanks Paros.... just had a peep... lol

OP posts:

paros · 17/04/2008 15:16

I think its amazing that this site can grow you a backbone . LOL

beaniesteve · 17/04/2008 15:18

Why are you taking on the care?
Stop doing it.

beaniesteve · 17/04/2008 15:19

your husband is right though - it is up to you. Can't you just tell her 'oh sorry, I'm not available then' etc ?

casbie · 17/04/2008 15:47

don't answer the phone - leave it on there and then direct hubby to it "your mother called about something" - get him involved and then back away...

alternatively, sing loudly to yourself when ever she calls hubby and lock yourself in the loo!

Dropdeadfred · 17/04/2008 18:14

I always leave it to DP to speak to his mum...

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