AIBU to ask how the hell i make friends at 35??

[Mum2DD]

So as the title says...AIBU to wonder how on earth I do this?!

I'm married with a 14 year old DD. Husband (not DD's father) is very social, grew up in the local area we live and has loads of mates. I'm pretty introverted but will go out with his mates when it's a group thing - like a birthday, etc.

Recently we had some marital problems and, whilst things are okay now, it made me realise I literally have no friends of my own if we split. I think that puts some pressure on our relationship (ie I'm always at home alone if he's out so he feels guilty going out so much) so i really want to make some friends of my own...

Problem is I grew up far from here, no friends I could contact from younger years, daughter is old enough that we don't have 'playdates', and I have no hobbies particularly that I could join a club for... how the hell does someone my age make grown up friends?!

Any ideas?!

Shameless bump

Do you work OP? All the friends I've made after school/uni have been people I've met through work. Or any local sporting clubs like tennis, netball, you might want to join? Or possibly volunteering groups?

You could try and develop a hobby, take a few evening classes, see if you can find something you like. Might take a while but it will give you the opportunity to do something outside of the house, even if you don't make friends.

Definitely get yourself out joining hobbies!

I've recently moved to a new area, I have new friends after joining a local running group, also through volunteering 2 hours a week at a community hub.

Sometimes it takes time, and you don't always make close friends as such but just having social interaction can make a big difference.

I tried the meet up app. I can't get a babysitter but there was lots of different social meet ups I would never have thought up on my own.

Or maybe volunteer work?

I'm 40s and have made a couple of new friends organically. One I chattered to and tried to explain things to him about the UK and he dropped off a bottle of champagne for me and it went from there.

The other we found something funny locally and started emailing each other, and it went from there. She's 50s so a nice mix.

You don't have to be outgoing but just friendly and keep an open mind. Yes it can be done, perhaps volunteer locally and go to events.

There are a few likely routes here;

Work - do you work? Could you try and develop a friendship through that? Or as others have said, if you don’t currently work, look at volunteering at the local food bank/charity shop? I’d say 25% of my close friends are from working over the years.

Hobby - you haven’t got one, start one! Double whammy of getting out of the house regularly and meeting new people. Needs to be something more interactive than say, yoga where people just come and go. Art, singing, tennis, running?

Neighboura - is there anyone you click with on your street? Maybe try a longer chat with one of them next week?

DD hobby/friend - I know she’s too old for play dates but do you meet any parents through her hobbies?

DHs friends - have you clicked with anyone through DH’s circle, are there women as well as men? Someone you message after the next social event to say you enjoyed talking to them?

Good luck - you do really have to put yourself out there a bit, they rarely just fall in your lap. Try more than one thing at a time as they won’t all work.

What are your interests, hobbies? Making friends this way of having a common interest is good

I did a college course and met some great people in class. I cycled with a club and made friends, do other stuff with them outside if cycling

our local facebook has a few ladies clubs, book club and walking

Is there a back to netball league in your area? This got me out of the house, exercising and with it being a team sport a lot of new friends came with it.

I have met a lot of new friends through a meet-up app. Other than that I have made friends post 40 at my pilates class and whilst walking the dog. I think hobbies and interests are super important when it comes to making friends. Not just because of the possibility to actually meet friends there but also to make friends in general you need to have something interesting about you. If all you do is work, go home, eat, watch TV, go to bed there isn’t going to be much that makes you interesting to others. Making friends is a bit like dating in that regard.

Volunteer or take up a hobby.

I became a volunteer scout leader in my 40s and made a whole new friendship group.

I had no 'scouting' skills prior to volunteering.

Book club would be good, join a choir ? (I’d love to do that when I have more time in the week) - if you play a musical instrument then join a local amateur orchestra

There's been some great discussion on mumsnet on this, as well as pps.

I'd say start with an open attitude but very low expectations... I hope you strike gold straight away, but many people are very busy/don't have time or energy to invest in a new 1-1 friendship. The people who are too available may be odd or difficult or needy. It really isn't you.

Like pps say, finding groups you enjoy can meet social needs.

Again, it may be hard to meet people for 1-1 but if the group is friendly and civil the low level contact may be enough.

Prepare for quite a lot of sifting and screening (some weirdos).

It's quite common for some groups to be a bit odd, or clichey, or your face clearly doesn't fit.

If a group is OK but not amazing and you enjoy the activity it may be worth sticking around. Often it takes a few months for people to adjust to you, or you to feel comfortable. Ideally you want something you can show up to regularly.

Agree to take a multi-pronged approach, have a few different things on the go for a few months .

Meetup? Lots on offer, although not all is good.

Co-working spaces are really taking off if you can work from a hot desk.

Spiritual? A lot of meditation centres, quakers offer a sense of community without getting religion involved or needing you to commit or practice!

Location can really make a difference, you may want to consider trying events or activities in the nearest city centre.

Stay in touch with your own feelings and emotions and don't have too set an idea about how things should look...

I guess the friendship "ideal" may be a woman or an all female group close to your age and similar to you. And you know all about each other and commit to meeting every weekend.

However, it may be a bit more patchwork/random than that as everyone is busy...Just go with the flow, and enjoy things on an ad hoc basis. Backed up with self care and some Internet chat it may be enough.

I also don't think you can have anyone but yourself to 100% rely on in times of crisis.

Even people with huge social groups say how it's often only parents/close family who REALLY are there for them in big events. You don't know who is going to be genuinely supportive or not, even if they profess to be your bestie!

But having some supportive networks of ok people and allies is definitely a realistic goal.

Do you have a local WI? They’re not all ‘jam and Jerusalem’ these days?

Great advice on here.
I think the nugget is to lower your expectations and open your horizons.

I was in a very similar situation to you and I never previously had any hobbies. I started one that I thought i could be vaguely interested in and made a really wonderful group of friends who I now couldn't imagine being without.

You just have to give things a try - good luck!

Where I live (south east), there's a group on social media dedicated to meeting new friends. It's called MinGal, so that might be a consideration if you're this way, or perhaps there might be something similar in your area?

Follow your interests. If you like sport, join a sports club. If you like art, take an art class. And when you do these things, just smile and speak to people. I realise you said you’re an introvert but just be friendly and you’ll soon make friends with people who have similar interests.

I am 60 and was in the same position a couple of years ago. I took advice from some actor on telly... (Patrick Stewart!) pretend to be confident.
I started just speaking to people.

I am an introvert and I am shy. I could quite happily be a hermit, but my family (who live away) need the reassurance of knowing I am OK, that I have people I can turn to if I need any help at 3am... etc.

It is nice to go to the summer fetes and "party in the park" type events in the summer... the literature/music/science festivals... the country farmers market on the High St once a month... you see the same folk there and it is easier to speak to people you have seen more than once. Just pretend ... approach a quiet person who looks like they'd rather be anywhere else - "nice to see you again" - has got me on the friendship route quite a lot over the past 2 years.
Cast your net wide, speak to many.

It's likely going to be work, a hobby, volunteering.

If you don't have a hobby, see if you can develop one. You don't have to become obsessed with watercolour to do an evening course and meet some nice people. Choirs always seem to have a good social side. A book group encourages conversation. Am dram/local theatre is another good one (particularly if you're not cut throat ambitious!).

Or volunteer in local politics or at animal shelter or a soup kitchen or food bank or museum.

There are loads of options, but you do need to create the opportunities yourself and not wait for them to come to you.

I have relocated twice and the area I grew up in is a rural idyll but has F all opportunities. So myself and all my friends from school all left.

Your issue is being an introvert, or are you? people don’t really understand what an introvert is fully. Sometimes people mix up being an introvert with being shy, anxious or actually anti social. All these things are very different.

It’s all about hobbies and volunteering, have done it all my life. Have enjoyed trying lots of hobbies just because why not. But volunteering made me my long term friends, shared goals and all that . Only hobby to make friends for me has been hiking groups. I’m also realistic, when I first retired I did a voluntary role at a project, they were nice enough but not for me so after six months I left. I enjoyed my time there, I gave them a good idea on how to promote their charity at events that had almost zero cost.

I tried a new walking group last week, I immediately knew it was a good one for me so will be returning. In the last two years I have tried 6 hiking groups. Two were ones I didn’t return to, two are perfect for me and two are ok.

Sounds like Cheltenham!