What should I do - Heartbroken

[Needadvce]

H has always been uncaring and non expressive. We both work and have a 3 yo DS and now pregnant. He keeps saying that I should detach from DS as he is very attached to me to prepare for baby's arrival. FIL has come to help us and H wants DS to be looked after by him so we can focus more on baby when born.
He keeps arguing and hurting me by saying mean things. We had a very bad argument where I said I want divorce and then he starting abusing my family. I am very heartbroken and crying for hours. I also missed my blood test appointment as I was very upset and couldn't go in for the appointment. I feel like there's no love left in this marriage. I don't know what to do anymore. I am very upset and heartbroken about all this and expecting baby in 5 weeks. Please be kind!

Do you have family or friends you can get to with DS?

I have friends but no family around.

I know people will have a go at me about why I married etc despite knowing how he is and then having children.

It's simple, you leave him.

If he's always been like this he's not going to change. It's too late to do anything about the two kids but you can certainly do something about the marriage.

Take your son and go to your family.

My family lives abroad.

Detach from your husband, not your son

Do NOT detach from your son, l have never heard anything so stupid!

Your H is abusive and you have to leave there is no option, l am so sorry this is horrible for you.
Please call womans aid and ask for help...do not tell your H

Re the baby op, many people actually try to have the “help” hold the baby so mum can have time for the toddler in the belief this eases the baby into the family without disrupting the toddler’s normality too much. Remind DH the baby actually has no expectations for those early weeks. You can slowly transfer your attention across once the baby is no longer a “newcomer.” So long as babies are fed, warm and held they are normally content little things early on.

Tell your midwife OP. They are trained to advise and support you.

It's not do much having a go at you but understanding why you were attracted to someone like this and then have children with him. Otherwise it can be a repeating pattern. But that's much further down the line you need end this awful relationship first

… and of course having a hands on Dad means you can actually take turns focusing on the baby. How many pairs of hands does he think are required to hold a newborn/ change a nappy. There’s no reason grandfather can’t just fill in around the edges where needed rather than “assigning” him to anyone. It’s a bit odd: what do you think he worries about? Is the baby a girl and he thinks you will favour a son? It’s a strange concern …

Contact your midwife and rearrange the missed appointment. Then explain what is happening and she can support you.

Have you had arguments like this before? How were they resolved?

Get support from your friends and consider what you want for the future. Is going to your home country an option? If you are soon to be on maternity leave you have some flexibility I guess?

I can't travel at 35 weeks pregnant. I don't have much family left.

You can fly with British airways until 36 weeks

I drove from UK to Portugal at 37 weeks... Can you use a ferry /drive? Your dh intends to damage your relationship with your ds... That damage will be life long...

Can you tell us where your family is op?

Posters will be able to take the stress of working out logistics for you if you really would consider going.

I don’t think it’s an especially good idea to suggest OP travel abroad so late in her pregnancy when she may not be entitled to free medical care there, won’t know how to navigate any services, and could potentially face child abduction charges from her DH for removing her DS from his country of residence.

OP, could any of your friends provide a stop-gap spare room for you to stay in whilst you work out a longer term plan? You would be likely be entitled to some benefits while on maternity leave, which would enable you to separate from your husband.

I'm sorry OP, but as previous posters have already said - detach from your husband, absolutely not your son. What a cruel thing for him to suggest.

Baby will not remember having to wait a little longer or not being cuddled so much, your son will.
Are you able to speak to your in laws at all? Or have some of your family come to help out until you're able to leave?

Sending hugs and best wishes.

That’s an even better option if she has it available to her.

Would DH turn up however?

There are bigger issues at play but in the meantime could you reframe the detachment argument as your little boy needing reassurance and attention with the change that's happening (he does), rather than his mother, the most important person in his life, detaching?

Rearrange your blood test please

What are your circs, work, maternity, support in the UK, accommodation etc? This doesn't sound like the relationship you deserve.

I agree with getting support from women’s aid and leaving him ideally. This is horrific. Can your family come over to support you?

He isn’t going to miraculously wake up and be a different person one day, this is who he is.

so if you aren’t happy and don’t want to spend your life this way you need to start to plan to leave.

speak to women’s aid. Speak to your family. Get support and a plan in place.

This man will not change so your choices are to live with how he is or find a way to leave.

Please talk to your midwife. You need her support so she has to know how you feel for the sake of your baby, you and your toddler.