To be frustrated with DH re childcare?

[RafaellaOrDella]

I'm the main earner and work full-time as a lawyer in the City. DH has worked part-time with various gaps for study. He is currently working 2 days a week on a freelance basis. There is an acceptance that my job is the priority as I earn six times what he does and pay for most things (mortgage, bills, DD activities, groceries, holidays, etc). DH is a lovely man and husband. DD is 7.

But why can't DH get it together when it comes to holiday childcare? I booked 2 weeks of holiday clubs for DD, 1 week was our holiday abroad, 1 week I spent with DD doing fun stuff I had planned. DH has next week and the first half of next week to cover. But he drives me mad! First, he hasn't bothered to tell his client/employer that he won't be working and is anxious about it, so wants me to help him to invent an excuse. Then he asks me what he should do with DD, can I make any suggestions, then got huffy when I suggested websites to look at for ideas. Why is this my job when I have a job?

Any tips on how to make him more independent???

Is he normally that useless? How much does he help with the childcare? Sounds like he has a great life - work 2 days a week while you sort everything out! Personally - i would be tempted to leave him to sort it out - how else would he learn - though, considering he's been a father for 7 years - are you telling me he has not planned anything ever?... if so....

Don’t suggest websites! Don’t ask us for tips! Literally do nothing. Sit on your hands if you have to, bite your tongue. I know you’ll want it sorted out so DD doesn’t have a bored and miserable time but he won’t figure out that he needs to use his own brain if you do it for him.

It’s not rocket salad. It’s thinking “what does my kid like, what exhausts them, what would I like to do, what’s my budget”. Then doing a bit of googling, class group chatting, play date arranging and ensuring there’s food. If you assist with any of this, when he doesn’t reciprocate or show independence, he’ll never have to figure it out because you’ll do it or start the Mumsnet thread for him.

Literally do nothing. it's responsibility. Just go off to work, and let him sort it. It's hard initially but he is just as much the parent as you are. I've got a new born and I'm already getting out the house alone for short periods to make sure DH has to cope on his own without me there.

Nothing lovely about incompetence

Just don't engage with it at all. Decide ahead of time who has responsibility for which weeks and then he's on his own.

Do nothing for him. He’ll never step up otherwise. Don’t listen alone to DD moaning about her day of it’s been boring, rubbish, etc make him come and listen to her too.

Have you heard of weaponised incompetence? You do nothing. Leave it to him to work out.

Weaponised incompetence.

Surely he should be asking DD what she would like to do? Does she want some downtime before going back to school and after school activities

I do know what you mean but he is kind and caring and does organise stuff related to the house, finances etc. He just can't seem to bring that to bear on DD.

Tell him he needs to think about what a competent parent would do in his situation and do that.

"so wants me to help him to invent an excuse."

This makes me think he has issues being 'childcare'. He can't admit to his workmates that he is childcare so he has put it off and now needs an excuse invented as admitting he is spending time with his daughter isn't a good enough reason not to work? That's a pretty poor showing in a father to me. Also suggests he isn't happy in his role OP?

You're bankrolling him to be incompetent and he huffs at you and fails to do basic things for his child? Nope. He needs full time employment.

Because childcare is the woman’s role regardless of him working significantly less than you!

Just tell him - ‘ I’m working; this is your responsibility. Sort it- by thinking carefully and not rushing her here there and everywhere. Give it some careful thought .’

If he asks again, say I’ve told you; I’m not doing it again.

He's capable but choosing not to then

Any tips on how to make him more independent???

You're not talking about a child, but my advice is the same.
You learn by having to do it or having to think about how you would do it.

It might be "Oh, I don't know how to heat a tin of beans" or "I wonder whether I can plaster that wall myself", or "I've lost my phone, how am I going to get home".

As long as you have enough tools/maturity/confidence to learn then that's what you do.

But actually, he's just choosing not to be independent because he can fall back on you. I imagine it's something you've just fallen into as you can't let things just fall apart when you've got a baby and have to go to work.

Now your DD is 7, she's old enough to know Dad's looking after her and will speak up (hopefully), or she'll spend the week and a bit on her devices while he arses about. If he allows that to happen I'd really be thinking about how good a Dad he is, and how supportive a husband he is.

This is the best advice and the only way he'll learn.

Also, I enjoyed the rocket salad very much

The best way to help him is to not help him. He's not thinking or planning because he doesn't have to; you swoop in and bail him out. I know it's painful but just sit on your hands!

"I don't know, I wouldn't really lie to my manager, I'd probably just tell them I have childcare commitments."
"Hmm I'm not sure what's on locally that week, have you had a Google?"
"Oh I'm sure you'll think of something :)"
"What would you like to do if you were a 7 year old girl?"
"I'm sure she will enjoy spending quality 121 time with you!"

My DP hardly ever asks me stupid questions any more, but I will admit it was difficult for me to watch him flounder a bit.

Baffled stare - 'I don't know, you're in charge, I'm sure it'll be fine. DD, why don't you come and talk to daddy about what you might like to do?'

Let them crack on. He either sorts something out, or bears the consequences of a bored child, that's up to him.

Tell him you’re sure he can work out a plan for how to entertain DD while she is in his sole care just like you managed to. Then let him get on with it.

if he complains or asks for help again tell him that incompetence is really unattractive and no one helped you to come up with a plan so it’s really confusing to you that he is not able to do the same. Ask him if he wants to change things up next summer and take on the whole of the break as he needs the practice.

Rather than engaging on the subject, have you tried talking about the problem?

Perhaps after dinner sit him down and say you'll help him with the work thing (and hope he learns that lesson) but you really need him to take a moment and understand that if he is finding it hard to plan activities for a week, then he must surely appreciate that you went through that once and so you really need him to do the thinking on his based around what he enjoys and what he thinks DD will enjoy. He can of course copy your ideas and you'll tell him how you made plans e.g. by looking at websites and Facebook events, but he needs to actually do that work himself.

Logically he cannot fault that approach because

1. You aren't asking him to do anything you haven't done.
2. You would be going above and beyond to grit your teeth and be patient about his work problem when it's entirely of his own making and frustrating for you in the same way as it would be if you had a child asking for an excuse about why they haven't done their homework.

Lastly, I'm sorry your DH is putting the extra load on you. I can only hope this is temporary as he might be struggling with something.

leave him to it. Make sure you are out of the house when realisation dawns on him.

I do know what you mean but he is kind and caring and does organise stuff related to the house, finances etc. He just can't seem to bring that to bear on DD.

This would be unacceptable in my mind as it's just so unfair. As someone who's also a city lawyer so I know just how very demanding the job is and how long the hours are, if your partner works two days a week (and I'll bet those two days are shorter in terms of hours than two of your days) as far as I'm concerned he should be absolutely all over being the primary carer for your DD including sorting all the related admin which comes with the holidays.

It's otherwise just such an unequal distribution of family life and work.

He is a grown adult. Let him figure this out himself. It’s not rocket science.