To think I married the wrong man who is actually so good to me

[curiouslycoy]

I have had a big fear for a long time that I married the wrong man.

There is no smoking gun here because he is a gentleman, always has been, he shows his love by 'doing'. The end result is he does so much for me and the family, is faithful and so reliable but I feel so lonely. He's emotionally unavailable and addicted to being on his phone, doesn't really like talking to me and it's going from bad to worse.

I used to have a couple of close male colleague friends who I used to speak to often, looking back probably because it was pre pandemic and I saw them everyday and got little from DH. However, since having children I've lost tough with them both, one left the company and the other one wfh like mad and moved roles so I don't work with them as closely. It's made me more lonely than ever and shone an enormous light on the fact that I probably survived so many years with DH because I had a busy life outside of him. Now I don't....

The bedroom department is struggling, we had been a once month couple before children and he used to complain about it, I would say the communication is so bad I just need it to improve for us to get back to how we were. Actually when the pandemic hit, I felt it saved us, we were finally forced to spend time with one another and it felt good again, we had children but that's made everything worse, communication, free time, arguments, lack of sex - its not happened in months. I don't think either of us plan to either as we now just argue everyday and he doesn't ever complain about not getting it.

When we met 13 years ago, I had no confidence, turbulent upbringing so never felt loved and hadn't had a serious partner, not though lack of trying. I had been rejected by the men I liked and for once, I met DH who was handsome, chatty, kind, and most of all loved the bones off me. The first person to truly love me and I fell for him big time. To him, I was the attractive girl he wanted to win as he was a late bloomer and only became attractive in his late 20s (he's not lying I've seen pictures!) he really did suddenly become handsome. So I worry we fell for each other for the wrong reasons.... we were young.

The challenge is he isn't chatty like he was in the early days. it was all a front and he says he's an introvert, I am not, I am an extrovert and wear my heart on my sleeve, but it took me 18 months to realise he is emotionally available.

I had been generally happy the first year or so but was struggling on the run up to Christmas as my home life was haunting me, ie having to see some of my family and I opened up to him, yet he didn't take his eyes off the tv or acknowledge me, just said 'poor darling' and brushed it under the carpet. This hasn't changed. He just doesn't do emotion. This manifests itself because if he has a problem, he doesn't share it with me but becomes frustrated in other ways, snapping at me.

If I was who I am now, which is mostly thanks to him, but I'm confident, I finally got a good job a few years ago and feel I've made something of myself.... if I was dating now I would find an emotional kind of guy who would talk with me for hours and we could open up and become soul mates.

Instead I have DH who is becoming more and more insular, he's also stopped doing the affectionate things he used to. Kids I know.... but it's more that we are both fed up, the respect is low and we just don't look after each other.

He throws in my face mid argument that he does so much of the cooking (he loves cooking and I don't), that he does mornings with kids (it started when I was pregnant and breastfeeding DC2 and just carried on like that) - but he never once has said it's too much, I recently saved some recipes and started to cook again because he was using it against me in arguments, but he had started to cook all the time as he enjoyed it. I thought I did bedtimes and he did mornings but it's an example of two things eating away at him and he cannot share how he feels, just explodes in arguments.

It's not lost on me that I read on here how useless a lot of men are and I know I'm lucky he does so much, but for years I've been longing for him to stop 'doing' and start 'being'.

To everyone else we have it all, good jobs, lovely healthy kids, but behind closed doors I'm so lonely, we don't get on, we don't have sex, In absolutely petrified where this will end up as I've tried for 9 years to tell him I need him to communicate better but he won't and he won't do counselling either.

Has anyone else been here? Have you turned it around? People change all the time, I can't be alone here.

I think there's a lot to be said for the "doing" but I totally understand you needing the emotional connection.

Sometimes my DH doesn't realise I need to talk properly, so I usually start by telling him I need him to actually listen to me, and he will. When he isn't paying full attention it's not because he doesn't love me, but because there's so much general chat happening like "I'm going to do X for dinner, we need Y fro the shop, DD needs Z. Have you given the dog A? We'll need to stock up on B" and so on that he doesn't always catch the change in need.

Try telling him you need that connection. You need to talk to him. Turn the TV off, have a glass of wine or share a pack of nice biscuits with a cuppa and talk.

Is there any way you can get the emotional connection that you crave through friendships ?

I think it's quite rare to find a man who would be willing to sit for hours to talk about feelings....

But one thing is for certain, you can't change a man. So if it's not working for you, then that's enough reason to end it.

I wanted marriage counselling years ago, asked and asked him to do it. He wouldn't. I started to go on my own regardless, he then joined in a few months down the line. We've since worked things out and out marriage is 'back on track' as per se. We've both had to make some adjustments to communication and expectations. It's not like it was before pre kids btw, it's different but still good.

I think that bringing friends back into your life could massively boost your mood and satisfaction in life. That said, your sex life sounds dire - I would start by tackling this issue. You may find that you feel closer to him as a result.

I'm a mum of two (the youngest is under one) and my DH is very much a doer that shows little emotion. Sex is really important to me for that reason. I've also ensured that I have a good variety of friends that all bring different things to my life. I think it is hard for a one person to bear all of the needs of another person.

In terms of your traumatic childhood, have you shared those experiences before? I think people that have experienced trauma often want to talk through their experience each time they've been triggered in some way and it can become repetitive for the partner. I say this as a person that has also had a difficult childhood. I can see that hearing about the same or similar types of mistreatment that happened years ago is probably quite difficult for a partner to relate to or continue to be shocked/saddened by.

@HamHands how do you have sex with someone who is emotionally unavailable? For me the emotional connection leads to physical.

I do think that our sex life hasn't ever been that great. I told him 6 months ago to stop the over the top groaning whenever we kissed in bed, I remember the first time we ever had sex thinking he was vocal but hadn't realised how off putting it was.

I was wracking my brain thinking why I find sex so awkward with him and told him he needs to stop the noises when we kiss as it is too much and stops me progressing and getting in the mood because he then doesn't stop throughout. Also intense staring down at me. He has just become quite an awkward person and he used to have so many friends but rarely goes out now.

They've all had kids and moved away, I think we've tried date nights to save us but you're all right we need friends nights out to save us.

You need expert counselling together.

Could he be on an autism spectrum?

@alteredimage I've thought this before. Mainly because I noticed he struggles to look people int he eye when he speaks. Why did you think it!

*why did you think it?

Your description of his lack of communication and his lack of emotional involvement. You describe him as kind, and helpful yet he seems unaware of your emotional needs.

No internet diagnosis. I have just known men like this, who appear to have little need for social interaction, so it rang a few bells.

If my guess is correct, there will be plenty of suggestions on the internet of autistic traits which could then be a spur for a diagnosis. It then gives you a different track. You are not going to change him, but he, once he is aware, would have a better understanding of the impact he has on others. He might make more effort. You also, by accepting him for who he is, might remind yourself of his good points and reduce your expectations. Perhaps by developing female friendships and outside interests. If the marriage is still built on trust but is less coupley.

Or again if you realise that he is not going to change and if what he can offer is not enough for you, it will give you some clarity about what you want.

But obviously I could be completely wrong.

You are expecting him to be your everything and everyone. Lots of men aren't chatty, including my DH. Find some female friends and reconnect with old friends and family. If you don't work. Get a job. You expect him to change but why can't you change your needs. You cannot change other people's behaviour but can change how you react to it. Back off and get a life of your own.

Marriage counselling.

Date nights.

Try putting in some careful work on improving your relationship over the next year. Ask your DH what he wants.

Good luck.