To put my foot down with friend's DS over this?

[Fladdermus]

My friend brings her DS(7) round to hang out with my DS(10) quite a lot. Her DS has become a bit fixated on some nerf type guns DS has. They fire soft sponge balls that get absolutely everywhere, which I can just about tolerate.

What I can't cope with is that he has complete meltdowns if DS fires the balls at him. Which I do understand because like DS and I, he also has autism. So I give him the target bench DS has to fire at. This also causes meltdowns because it's not what he wants. He wants to be able to chase DS and fire them at him. But friend is insisting DS cannot chase or fire at her DS as it scares him. My DS doesn't understand and then starts to get upset too.

So AIBU to put my foot down?

YANBU = use the target bench or leave the shooters alone as you cannot fire at someone else if you're not ok with being fired at yourself.
YABU = older child should be a passive target for younger child as it's only for 10 minutes until he gets bored.

Just hide the guns, they can find something else to do.

Hide the bloody things when they come round. He can melt down over them being "thrown away".

Yanbu
My child has autism too and is told the same as my other children
We have to tweek things and how we get to the end result but he has to learn rules/life like the others.

no guns at the playdate. Sorted.

Well. If he can't take being fired at ....then he doesnt get to do any firing at people.

Bench or bugger off home.

I agree with the first poster - hide them away!

This is a sensible suggestion.

Tell your 'friend' either they can fire at each other or not, but your DS is not willing to just be fixed at! & that's that.

if you don't want them around so much tell her to text first before turning up with him & be bust/out sometimes.

I've got my stupid hat on at the moment. It never occured to me to hide the guns. And yet it's so bloody obvious.

This Even without the autism , your dc is older so there's an unfair advantage.

You can't fire at others if you don't want to be fired at. His mum is being ridiculous!

I agree to no guns at playdates. Do you have to hide them? Surely you can just say they are off limits due to previous upset.

He wants to be able to chase DS and fire them at him. But friend is insisting DS cannot chase or fire at her DS as it scares him.

‘Friend’ shouldn’t be just deciding to bring her child round for yours to entertain like this. Either you invite them and they can both enjoy playing something together, or you don’t invite them. Your house isn’t a place where your ten year old son needs to offer unpaid respite care, that’s just rubbish. When she decides to come to yours, say, ‘no, that’s not working as x wants to fire our Nerf guns at y but won’t let him fire them back which isn’t any fun for him. Well come to you/go to the park/go to the cinema’.

He’ll probably have a hissy fit because he’s not allowed to play with the guns, but you’ll just have to put your best mum ‘we’re playing with other toys’ voice on (and hide the guns well out of sight so they can’t find them!).

wonder if friend will be around do often when the guns have gone?

Yeah he needs to learn. Both ways or no way. I agree just hide the guns, off limits when he's around.

We had a target which span if you hit it, to save ds going after his sisters.
There are some Lazer ones that he might be okay with, but by the sound he'll just get upset if he sees how many time he's hit. Those worked well for dd1 because she didn't care if she was hit if it wasn't physically.
We also had some pop guns (those with a cork in the barrell that make a great noise, but nothing is fired) that ds and friends used to charge round the woods at about 7/8yo. They were great as you knew exactly where they were.
I did one time have an elderly gentleman knock on my door. I thought he was going to complain, but he was bubbling over with joy having been "held up" by them (they let him go when he waved a white "flag"-his handkerchief). He said he'd done the same over 70 years ago.

But yes, hide the guns.

Protect your son from this nonsense

agree with everyone else, much easier to just hide the guns, and either just say 'We're not playing with them today,' or white lie 'they're broken/in the attic/left at grannys/someone's borrowed them' than get into a 'you can play with them this way but not in that way' discussion with a 7 year old.

She can buy him a set of his own if she's happy to be used as target practice, but that's not your son's job!

Agree with the others. Until he is old enough to use the toy as intended they are beyond his play age. It is always difficult when a friend has very different parenting rules for their own child versus your child. I appreciate there is an age difference but it is not the issue here.

My friend and I are very close and have been for years. We're both immigrants in a small isolated communit, so are very reliant on each other for support as there's no extended family around for either of us. But, she has absolutely lost the plot since her DS was born, precious first born on steroids. And to be fair to her, when I reach breaking point and tell her she's being a twat, she takes it on the chin and tries to dial it down.

😂 we all have days like that!

Autistic DS here and I won't have nerf guns in the house due to this very issue. Definitely hide them

If you have one, stick the guns in your car boot the night before, so they can't be found to play with.

Same here. Nerf guns are banned to avoid hell on earth with my autistic/adhd kids. You can’t just expect ND kids to get over the thing that triggers meltdowns, you have to deal with whatever is known to cause such meltdowns. It’s also the reason balloons are banned from my house 😑.

Put the guns away before they arrive.

Pre-warn your friend, tell her the two of them playing with Nerf Guns is doing your head in.

Also tell your own Ds in advance no Nerf guns on these play dates so think of a new game / things to play with.

I pressed the wrong button. You are NOT being unreasonable.

The fact that your friend's child is autistic doesn't mean that he should have his own way at the expense of other people's feelings/comfort.

Your poor son isn't just there to be a vehicle for keeping your friend's child happy. Your son is a human being, not another kind of toy for the other child to play with as he chooses. I think you need to point this out to your friend (as well as vetoing any further attempts to get the guns out when they're at your house).