Friend not letting me know

[Rookieuser123]

Who is being unreasonable:

Backstory: Friends for over 10 years, over the last 2 become closer. Met at work neither of us work there. Last year the friendship was easy, starting to find it more challenging and have also lower my expectations.

We keep making plans and then last minute she remembers she’s double booked herself and then cancels. We’ve got plans for bank holiday I have reminded her and double check every week for the past 6 weeks. Today go to book the restaurant sent her some links and she’s booked to go holiday on Sunday as that was the only flight. Only told me after I asked about food, I’ve called her out as I’d like to have plans on bank holiday and the fact she should of communicated when she booked them.

She wants to go away in October but this is becoming a reoccurring theme and she’s blaming her self diagnosed ADHD rather than being accountable.

I would not be making plans like holidays with someone like that. Losing money on top of not prioritising your time would drive me mad.

There is no way on this earth I'd be booking a holiday with someone so useless. Because it is, at best she is useless and at worst she is using you

I have actually explained to her that I am someone that values my own time and others as she’s often late but not by 5/10 mins but 30 mins or more so I’ve started carrying on without her.

I’m going to book to go away with another friend as I’d like a break.

I'd be thinking I'm being phased out. And I certainly wouldn't be booking a holiday with her.

I wouldn't be friends with her. You are at the bottom of the pile for consideration in her life. I bet she's never late for flights.

I wouldn't be making plans with her anymore. A spontaneous catch up, yep but no plans that can then be cancelled. Fuck that !

Has she only just started being like this?

If she has, I find that insulting to me as a person diagnosed. You just don't suddenly have issues.

I've had issues all my life. However I take accountability and use my phone calendar to organise myself. I have info retention issues so I need a reminder. Several reminders in fact.

Just holiday with someone else.

Definitely do that and don't bother booking anything else with the flaky one. Even if she is ADHD you don't have to let it interfere with your life.

In this example, a family holiday shouldn't be put on hold because of plans for a meal that the date can change. But she should have spoken to you. Do you have any other examples?

I have a long-standing friend like this and have reached the end of my tether with her.

I have ADHD so absolutely everything goes in my Google calendar. I set up alerts and reminders and check it constantly. I wouldn't dream of messing about with someone's time in this way. She's taking the piss because she thinks you'll put up with it, but you won't. Good for you.

For clarity it’s not a family holiday, just a random holiday. I’m not bothered about her going more communicating it with me so I amend my own plans. She’s waited for me to ask to tell me, that’s the issue.

On the face of it she does have ADHD symptoms but I don’t know remember her having all of them until she decided to diagnose herself with it and has ever since used it as way to skirt accountability.

Worst part she is self employed, I have asked how does this approach work for her clients as she’s also late for them and meetings and she doesn’t seem to acknowledge how rude it is

She isn't doubled booked, she's had a 'better offer'.
As for her holiday - absolutely she should have told you immediately.
I also hate it when I try to make plans and I get the 'I'll let you know'. No, you say yes (and commit to it) or no so I can make other plans!
Time to back off, and if you do arrange a further outing, half expect her to pull out so if YOU get a better offer, take it!

Well whilst a self diagnosis can help yourself as in to find ways to manage, is a good thing, using them as an excuse is not. She doesn't even know she has it for definite.

It isn't easy being neurodiverse in this world. It bloody sucks arse having this brain and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I rawdog it and manage it by myself which isn't the easiest of paths.

However, I have to take accountability otherwise my life goes to shit. I wouldn't be able to manage work or my appointments or remembering when subscriptions are due or even any measly task that needs doing without my phone calendar. That's what it is there for.

I think just so it doesn't stress you out, just don't holiday with her. It won't do either of you any good. No point making it complex.