You can’t relativise sadness … but surely you can?

[comoatoupeira]

I see and hear a lot of stuff at the moment about how you can’t make people feel better by saying that it could have been worse or you’re fortunate compared to other people.

The idea at the moment seems to be that everyone has their own way of feeling sad and everyone has the right to feel sad without other people saying they shouldn’t.
I get it and I can see how it’s important to face up to your own feelings about stuff without being judged.

But I was just reflecting this morning on that mum whose daughter is in the hull of that ship, drowned for sure but she’s waiting for the confirmation, and I was comparing it to when I was waiting for some really bad news (cancer results), which was the worst fortnight of my life and I have never felt so low and I was just thinking: actually, the woman in the yaught tragedy actually does have it a lot worse. Off the scale worse.

AIBU to think that yes you can relativise sorrow, and it’s actually the decent thing to do when we live in a community?

I think the relativisation (if that's a word?) of sadness serves a useful purpose, because if we accept there is a hierarchy, we can get a useful steer on whether our feelings are a red flag for mental health or other social issues.
The post above where the person had to have a week off because their rabbit died for example, most would agree this falls outside of a mainstream reaction to a the death of an animal we know has a fragile and relatively short life span, and by nature has a limited offer towards fulfillment of a human being.
In this case we can go down the path of 'validating' the feelings, which really means saying that's OK, when actually, it's probably not. Because the extreme reaction could well be symptomatic of other issues, extreme loneliness, underlying depression, the last straw in a tough life, and the person may need help to recognise that. Sometimes the kind thing to do would be to gently point out they seem 'extremely upset' and are they OK in general.
On a more pragmatic and 'colder' note, human beings have to function as best we can. This means encouraging ourselves and each other to be resilient as possible in light of our more minor bad experiences. Validating and indulging what most people would think an over reaction isn't really viable if it becomes a widespread trend.

Thank you for sharing. Sending a virtual hug.

I agree @comoatoupeira

The last couple of years have been tough - 2023 was an absolute shitter. I left my abusive husband in late 2022, he became even more psycho in the aftermath (if possible), my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I had to put my beloved 14 year old dog down in July. All sad, but in the BAU category of sadness iysm. All I could think of was “this is stressful, but at least the kids are healthy and ok” - it made me realise that I would walk over broken glass to make sure they were ok.

A friend of mine has a lovely and privileged life on paper - lovely husband, great job, materially very well off, three great DC. the same time as my annus horribilus her 13 y.o son was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour. I was - am - the lucky one.

I think this sums it up quite well for me.

I think we are heading in the wrong direction when I hear someone say that who are we to compare the pain of an 18 year old's suicide with an early miscarriage.
I'm not saying we should necessarily make comparisons at the time, to the people involved, because that may or may not be helpful depending on the person, but it's a worrying trend if we (society) cannot realistically see the difference between them?

Are we becoming a society where feelings are unquestionable and that to question them is considered "unkind"?

I think to some extent we are heading that way. There is a definite trend to put emotions rather than situations/behaviour front and centre when assessing harm, culpability for harm caused, allowances to be made and so on. Its a dangerous path to walk where the end point would be a world twisted to meet the needs of individuals, whatever the cost to others, because feelings trump all.

Because pain and sadness like all emotions are subjective. Our own emotions will usually impact on us more than others, unless we’re extreme empaths.
Some people feel things much more intensely.
some people aren’t able to recognise their emotions.
it’s never as straight forward as whether a situation is objectively worse or not.

I think it's also important to remember that for many things the "my emotions are everything" stage is short and the putting things into perspective can come a lot later. I don't think it helps for a third party to try and clumsily rush this.

I also think it's important to recognise that it's not just "sadness" that people experience in the wake of tragic life events. Just reading the stories here brings a lump to my throat and that people have survived so much is a testament to their resilience, but often it comes at a cost.

Somebody upthread mentioned cumulative grief, which can lead to people appearing OTT about relatively minor things - but the reason that happens is because the resonance of a situation, even if not your own, can evoke a visceral response as it brings up memories and feelings normally under control. It's hard work reminding yourself that "it's not all about you" when your physical body is going a bit haywire, and sometimes the only solution is to remove yourself so you don't get blindsided by a sodding panic attack in front of people who are going to think you're attention seeking when actually it's the last thing you want.

On top of sadness from a bereavement can come anxiety, terror, depression and loss of trust in everything. You can remind yourself that you're lucky to have XYand Z people still around, but then the thought of what if something happens to them can be pretty overwhelming. Of course you have to try and rationalise the improbability of that, but if you have had several left field and unexpected losses, or even expected ones, especially in a short space if time, you have to work bloody hard at stamping on that fear.

So you try to cultivate the mindset of making the most of every day, counting one's blessings and not dwelling on the "what ifs" and accepting that there are things you cannot control. But. It's a challenge. And it can make you feel as if you're living a somewhat fake existence for a long time.

Perhaps it would be better to frame the argument about "validating" feelings more in the terms of "acknowledging" them, or "awareness", which is a subtle difference. Because sometimes people just need that, because they know full well that feelings change all the time, so it's not helpful to be "locked" into them due to the current concept of "valudation"

Not sure I'm explaining myself very well but I know what I'm getting at.

You explained yourself perfectly.
I think acknowledgement says "I hear you. I see that this situation has aroused very strong feelings for you". Whereas for me, validating goes that bit further and says "Your emotional response is valid in this situation. You are right to have reacted in this way". The first shows empathy with the emotion. The second affirms it and that may not always be appropriate.