Telling partner he's overwhelming me

[kerry009]

My partner of 16 years suffocates me. We have 3 dc (14, 8, 2) and do majority of child care, cooking shopping, cleaning, days out with dc, take children to all their clubs on my own, appointments, i wake up with them sort breakfast. Basically everything. He only looks after dc and cooks on the days im at work which isn't hard because i work 2 days a week, and im term time so ive been off for 5 weeks. Im so tired, and when the children are in bed he wants us to have time together but im so tired and over stimulated from the day i just want to be alone whether thats watching tv, being on my phone or going to bed. But partner acts like a spoilt child and demands my time and will want to stay up until midnight talking about things that don't interest me knowing full well ill be the one up with children in the morning while he sleeps until what ever time he wants. He constantly wants sex and im to tired for sex. Im exhausted all the time. I told him yesterday i find him to much and now he's in a mood saying i give him no time and i snapped back saying i give myself no time and that your selfish for wanting to take the little bit of time i have for myself to you. He then had the cheek to say he has no time. I told him if he did more with the children i would have the energy for us. I don't know wether im tired, depressed but im just not happy and finding the 6 weeks holiday so tough on my mental health. Then on top of that my mum calls multiple times a day wanting long conversations. Im getting pulled from all directions. Im telling everyone how i feel but no one listens. They just want to take take take. Im giving more than ive got and no one cares.

I hear you and I care.

Well done for saying it.

can you follow through in any way? Remember the lady who said she used to go to the gym but actually spent the time reading in the gym car park eating crisps?

can you do anything that gets you the time you need?

I just heard the ten out ten relationship guy say that children can't come before the marriage or it will end in divorce. To avoid a real fallout, take what you need and then you'll feel more like connecting with him.

If you take it he will have to step up. Even if it's shit quality stepping up. he has to choose now, giving you help or losing you right? Well done you for bring it to lo light.

@something2say I feel guilty for going out and leaving him with the children. I went out to a baby shower the other week for 2 hours and he made a remark how i was 'out all day'. Then when i get home i over compensate for being away from them by playing more with them. It's not the children who make me feel this way it's him. He doesn't know how to play or engage with them so I over compensate for his lack of parenting.

Has he been like this for a while? Can I ask if the 2yr was planned?

Don’t forget OP, you’re meant to be in this together. As a team, a partnership. No good him having a dig at you for being “out all day” and you feeling guilty and picking up even more than you do already. You need to recognise this isn’t going to be something that you can fix alone - he has to step up and help and you have to allow it, without being guilted by him or by yourself into backing down and going back to the same old routine where you’re frustrated and tired all of the time.

Maybe sit down with him and have a serious conversation about where you may be able to get some help or some time for you - you’ve already broken the ice with what you said recently, so to look for some realistic solutions together may be a good next step. Tell him exactly what you need. Find some compromise. And see if it works. Your DP should be incentivised by the fact you’ll not only have more time for you and be happier, but you’ll have more time for him too.

Fingers crossed it leads to happier relationship all round, but if he won’t support you in what you need OP, don’t give up on finding time for yourself and finding a way to get what it is you need. I’m sure I don’t have to say it, but it is so important, and it is the least you deserve.
good luck

Hmm I get you. This is the problem then.

It must not continue. He will lose you otherwise. What if you said that to him, you are going to lose me if you keep expecting me to do everything... We need to make things fairer or I'm gong to end up hating you.

And for you, how can you move back from doing everything and tolerate difference while he gets the space to realise things need to change?

Another way of saying that is that you're enabling him to continue to be a rubbish parent.

I don't mean this in a nasty way, but you need to stop filling the gaps he leaves. Go out without any of them more often, and for longer. The kids won't come to any harm if they are a bit understimulated for a few hours.

I would sit down with him and divide out chores. I would also carve out time for myself during the week or weekend. You have a 14 year old who can keep an eye on the children for a few hours as well.

You sound exhausted but I get the feeling that you feel guilty about not doing everything yourself or spending time away from the family. You need to learn to let go a little and take some time for yourself.

As far as intimacy is concerned, your husband sounds selfish and I'm not surprised you're not interested. However, in what way is he keeping you up till midnight when you want to go to bed? If he's bullying you, then you need to stand up for yourself. If he's abusive then you need to leave.

@ns87 no, third baby wasn't planned. He has always being like it to some degree but I always coped and it never felt to much like it does now. I said to him that he's still exactly the same person he was when we met 16 years ago. He hasn't matured and acts like he's in his 20's with no responsibilities. Im going to have another talk with him later because I am burning myself out and he's just watching it happen.

And honestly ask yourself how YOU co created this - by doing everything? By ignoring resentment that you once again did everything and having sex anyway? Was this how your mum did it?

I am burning myself out and he's just watching it happen.

Well he would because nothing's ever been demanded of him. If I had someone who did my cooking, washing, shopping, cleaning and organised all my admin, I'd love it.

1. Stop doing stuff for him, eg washing. Don't say anything, you don't need to have an argument, just don't do it. That will save you some time.
2. Go out regularly, and more often - gym, friends, a walk by yourself.
3. Go to bed early, I mean really early, once the 8 year old is in bed. If you get more sleep, you'll feel better.
4. Can you get more days at work? He sounds like the sort of guy I'd want to leave, start building up to being financially independent.

You need to make it very clear that he needs to step up and be a decent parent and partner or you're done.

You need to speak to your mum and arrange a schedule for calls that you can cope with, whether that be once a day or three times a week.

You can't carry on like this