Extended family and notable occasions

[CrappyFamilyGatherings]

My SIL is married and has DSC. Her and her DH are in a routine with his ex, where they alternate occasions e.g. birthdays, Christmas, and Easter. TBH his DC are all adults, but they still do this.

When they are not doing this, my SIL expects DH and I, and our DC, to spend those occasions with her and her DH, and PIL. It’s Easter, her birthday (no one else’s get celebrated), PIL’s birthdays and Christmas.

I’m posting this now as I fully expect to be put on the spot about the big December event very soon.

I just don’t want to do this. Whenever I'm in a big group setting with my DH’s family I just feel that I’m not really welcome. I’m happy to suck this up sometimes, but I’m not happy to do it on very special occasions with my DC when I should be enjoying myself too. Why should my memories of Christmas with my DC be miserable? When I’ve hosted it at my house I end up doing all the work whilst everyone else is having a great time and end up arguing with DH.

I’ve also started sending DH on his own or with the DC to see them, as it stresses me out to be around them, but I can’t do this on big days obviously.

How can I nip this in the bud before Christmas and Easter becomes a routine with SIL?

Tell them you're having a family Christmas at home this year.

As soon as the dark nights appear and people are thinking of That Event mention you are hunkering in for a quiet one this year. Do not feel guilty at all. If she sulks? Tough titty. She is a grown up and her Christmas doesn't trump yours....

It's four days per year, at most.
Make a plan with DH.
Do your children enjoy it? It is always hard work.

Perhaps start a new custom where by you sometimes host but ask everyone else to bring two dishes each.
Or suggest that for one of the birthdays you all go out to a child friendly restaurant or Pub in a lovely walking area.

Be prepared to sometimes agree to SIL's plans and other times suggest something more relaxing to suit your fancy.

Just tell her that you are having christmas with your immediate family this year. If she kicks up a fuss, ask her why it's fine for her to choose not to see you and your family when she has DSC, but doesn't think you should have the same option. Break the pattern now.

Sit your husband (and maybe kids too) down tonight and say ‘let’s plan Christmas. What does everyone want to do this year’ and have a chat about the pros and cons of everyone’s ideas and decide as a unit. Then get hubby to discuss with his family.

It's ok to need a quiet Christmas. On the one hand it's a big celebration, on the other hand it's a time of the year that's inevitably dark, the weather is often bad and there's a lot of illness about. People are often feeling tired and run down by then and it's fine to say you aren't going to be up to much. There's other times of the year you can get together.

It's four days per year, at most

I’m OK with 4 days, but I don’t want to spend the 4 days of Christmas, Boxing, NYD or Easter where I am treading on egg shells and not enjoying myself. I’ve had too many of these already, and I’m now at the age where I think other peoples feelings and happiness don’t trump mine.

If you don't want to do it just say thanks for the invite but we already have plans for Christmas.
It isn't hard.

Just say no. It’s a complete sentence. You only have a set amount of Xmas with your kids while they are young enough for the magic to exist.
book up something now.