AIBU keeping son from abusive ex

[Questionqueen]

I'm keeping my son from my abusive ex because I truly have concerns about him having him. My son doesn't really settle for him and then he either just lets him scream cry getting VERY worked up or stressed out himself. He has been abusive infront of my son and he is trying to bully me. He has demanded I let him see my son and if I do not he said he would get my children taken off me (so my son has no one, and it is not just him - my ex missing out).

I just want to do right by my son. I always said I'd never keep a child from a father unless it was for a DV issue. This absolutely is.

He has trashed my car, broke my phone, spat at me, screamed in my face, threatened me, blackmailed me, called me horrid names infront of my kids things kids should never hear etc.

I do believe him to be dangerous but can't help but wonder am I going about things correctly? I know this is the after math of abuse messing with my head along with mum guilt and hun making me feel guilty but just wanted advice please?
Thank you.

I am a child of an abusive parent. My mum actually had to kidnap me into a different country, luckily father never bothered to follow up and we managed to live happily and safely until he died when I was 25. Mum desperately tried to convince me he “loves me in his own way” so that we could maintain a relationship (over the phone) which, did more damage actually because, effectively, she was saying that abuse is an acceptable way to show love. I refused to speak to him since the age of 11 and never felt like I was missing out.
There is nothing more important than keeping your child away from an abusive parent.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope you are now living a full healthy and meaningful life and realise it was not you it was your father. You clearly inspired your mother so much she protected you at the cost of uprooting and fleeing so far away to keep you safe because of how precious you are to her.

How old is your son op? I think it's a very difficult one - in an ideal world your child would have supervised contact where he's never alone with your ex so he can understand who he is but not be left in his sole care. Are social services involved and have you sought legal advice? Have you had support from women's aid or reported his abuse to the police?

OP, unless he has a court order, he can’t make you let him see your son. Your ex P sounds like an appalling bully. You might find the advice here helpful - amongst other things, it says, “Unless the child contact has been decided by a court (see below), you do not have to let your ex see any children you share together. If you feel under pressure to allow your ex-partner contact, call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline so we can talk through your options and connect you with specialist services. You can also seek advice from a family law solicitor. Try to find one with experience in domestic abuse.”
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/your-rights-and-options/protecting-my-children/

Thank you. I’m absolutely fine, all thanks to my mum taking a stand to a horrible human being. My young years weren’t without trouble but, I am hoping your son is young enough to shake this experience off.
Please don’t question your actions. You are doing great in a very difficult situation and you are absolutely under no obligation to allow visits. Document everything he says and does and let the courts decide if he ever bothers taking any action. Even if the visits are enforced, your child cannot be made to go if he doesn’t want to. It’s important to let him know that he has a choice in this too.

My heads such a mess trying to make this decision.

If you have genuine concerns about the safety (emotional and physical) of your child, you are doing the right thing in stopping him from seeing your child.
You do not have to allow access even if ex has parental responsibility.
If your ex wants to, he can apply for a child arrangement order. The first step in that is mediation (exemptions for DV but you will need an exemption certificate).
But unless he applies for this order you don't have to give him access.
I think you are doing exactly the right thing.

Have you reported to the police all of the mentioned above abuse?
If your dc is pre school age consider changing your surnames and moving....