To stop busting a gut

[toddlernotime]

I've been re-training (independently and self-taught) for the last few years with the vision to becoming self employed utilising said new skill. In 2022 I had our DC and the intention was I'd knuckle down during maternity leave so as not to have to return to work afterwards... except I hugely underestimated how time and energy consuming being a new parent was subsequently didn't have enough time or energy to make the progress I had hoped (plus, progress wasn't as linear as I'd planned either).

Fast forward to the present; I'm back at work 2 days a week (12 hour shifts) whilst DP works full time also 12 hour shifts. DP likes his 'him time' when he's not at work and is also completing his master's. I therefore get up at 0530 to try and get a couple of hours of work in before DC gets up. DP does afford me some time on some of his days off, but I'm always left feeling like I need to be mindful to keep it quick so that DP can get back to his time. The feeling apparently isn't reciprocated, however.

Yesterday as an example, DP is doing a DIY project in the house. He said around midday "I'll do a couple of hours then you can have a couple of hours later in the afternoon to do your stuff". He decides he's finished at 6pm and is half expecting me to go off and do some work at that time, despite the fact DC and I need dinner. He does (???) during the time I'm cooking/eating, and so when he says "I'll go do a bath for DC", there's still washing up to be done, bins to empty, washing to put on, etc, which obviously needs to take priority.

AIBU to feel fed up that I'm the one who gets up early and will burn the candle at both ends just so as I can accommodate DP's time to himself?

No it's not fair. But you probably need to be more assertive rather than just wait for what time he leaves over for you. Tell him you're studying Saturday morning or whatever. Go out. In that situation you described I'd have studied in the evening and left him to tidy up and do the dishes. If he has had 'me time' while you've been doing house / children stuff then it's his turn to do house / children stuff

You have a baby, both work and both studying. There isn’t enough time to go round. Can you put the baby in nursery more days so you can study during the day?

You've taken on too much as a family. You don't need to do all this now. What's the point if it ends up breaking up the family?

I'm not suggesting it's you that gives up what you're doing, but you do need a good honest talk with your DH about what needs to change overall.

I disagree that chores “obviously need to take priority”. They don’t. I have been in a situation when we were both going through intensive study periods and chores were being done if and when. Nobody died and everyone mucked in when they had a minute.
Agree your study schedule and stick with it. Washing up, bins and laundry take 20 minutes, I don’t see why your husband couldn’t do it after he put the baby to bed.
Feeling like you need to be quick to finish what you are doing to accommodate your husband is just that, a feeling. It’s not an obligation and is something you can ignore. Unless he is hanging over your shoulder this entire time, I can’t see from what you are saying where he is putting pressure of you to be quick.

The thing is, I don't think our commitments are unreasonable if DP didn't need so much time to do whatever he wants. I absolutely don't think it's unreasonable to need some free time when you work FT in a gruelling job, but he gets every morning and evening that he's not working (which he spends going to the gym and playing FIFA, respectively), and then wants more time in the afternoon to do house projects (when he's procrastinating on his uni work), or uni work when it's coming down to the line. Whereas my life is literally childcare or studying, and whilst I enjoy my studies/ventures, it's all I ask for time for. That's not a complaint that I've chosen to sacrifice any other hobbies or interests, I should clarify.

This is life when you have a baby with a selfish man child.
Look at why you see yourself as less than him and a skivvy.
Did he not want a child and you forced the issue?
You will burn out and become ill if you don't see and act as if you deserve 50/50 time off.

Sort your contraception and do not havd another child with him whilst he remains so completely selfish.

Is he saying or doing something to rush you when it's your free time? Did you remind him of the time after he'd been DIY ing for a couple of hours yesterday? Are the house projects something which need urgent attention or can they wait until you've both finished studying?

It sounds like there's different expectations on what should be priorities, I wouldn't necessarily think the bins, laundry, washing up need to be done before the DC has a bath for example. Obviously they both need to be done, but are you saying your DP would not be willing to help with these jobs after the bath?

I'm ashamed to admit this but a combination of having the back door open a lot recently and not addressing our broken bin, or mitigating it being broken by emptying it more often, led to me finding maggots in/under it the other day. Chores haven't been taking priority lately and it has been bothering me, but that was the final straw (which is why basic chores are now a priority to me).

To clarify, I put DC to bed, but whilst I was making us dinner, he didn't do the odd jobs and he wouldn't have whilst I was putting DC to bed as he'd be playing FIFA.

I feel rushed because he regularly reminds me that he "doesn't like to spend his days off 'babysitting'", and he will ask me what time I'm finishing before and during me working. I think he's doing it so he can plan what he's doing for the rest of the day but nevertheless, it still makes me very time conscious.

he "doesn't like to spend his days off 'babysitting'",
It's called parenting op. That's what you have to do as a mother or a father when you have a child....parent. He's opting out of parenting. He's a shit

Write a schedule where you both have equal work, study, childcare and and chore time. If he wastes his study time that’s his problem.
Don’t feel guilty about using your time slots. If he tries to complain or eat into your time just ask him why he thinks his time is more important than yours (on repeat as necessary).
ps as a PP has said no parent ever babysits their own child - it’s called parenting

Babysitting? 🤯🤯🤯

He doesn't like babysitting? Well, he should have thought of that before having children. Tell him you don't like it on your days off either so he can fork out for extra nursery days while you focus on having "me time"...

The thing is that you've had a child with a selfish lazy git. The only good thing is that you're not married to him. Or are all the assets in his name while you've deprioritised your career being the primary caregiver and chief skivvy? I agree that a certain basic level of cleanliness is necessary, studying or not when you have a child. How long has he been completing his masters for? Years? As a previous poster said, I'd be having cast-iron contraception and a plan to leave him in the fairly near future. (Well, he sounds like such a selfish immature man, I wouldn't be having sex with him myself if I were you.) You need to start taking care of your health and you can tell your lazy dp to get off his backside and do his fair share. He'll do it grudgingly at best but at least you can make sure he doesn't get to enjoy life at home quite as much - in fact not very much at all.

Babysitting?
His own child?
Wake up OP.
He clearly doesn't want a child.
You need to start making much better choices.
Can you go home to parents?