To leave the washing up?

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DH and I have fallen into habits with chores. I tend to tidy the house at the end of each day (young kids!), he does the washing up. One night a week we each go to an exercise class. When he's out I tidy the house, then do the washing up, when I'm out he does the washing up...

I don't like the idea of 'his and hers chores', in my mind we both live here, it's our house and our mess so we should just get on with whatever chores are there. It's nice to have a night off, go to your class and then come back and get to relax or whatever rather than have chores waiting. Have mentioned this several times when I get back from exercising but it hasn't changed yet. Today I'm knackered and miffed that once again this week I got home from my class yesterday to a house which hadn't been reset after the kids went to bed. So I just kinda want to leave the washing up and go to bed. But it feels totally unreasonable and petty. Can't tell if I'm being a doormat or if I should just put my big girl pants on (or in this case washing up gloves) and do it.

YABU - get the marigolds
YANBU - Go to bed. At worst it's there in the morning.

Wait. You say you tidy he does the washing up. Then when he goes to gym you tidy and do the washing up, when you go he does the washing up. But I guess he doesn't tidy. So where does it happen that you come home to the washing up? And how messy does a house get in one day? Just leave it.

I don't come home to the washing up, I come home to the tidying. Basically if he goes out I do all the chores regardless of who usually does them but if I go out he only does 'his' chores and leaves mine. There's not usually a lot of washing up as I do a lot throughout the day anyway, and not usually a lot of tidying either tbh for the same reason. We just try to do a general reset before we go to bed so it's nice to come down to. Both jobs would take about 20-30 minutes of our time, so 40-60 minutes total to do both.

I did it in the end. Figured if I was waiting for votes on this thread I might as well get it done and then can decide whether to make a stand next time 😅I know I feel my heart sink a little when I come home from a nice few hours out to find chores waiting. Feels too petty to do that purposefully to someone else. I don't think he's doing it to be petty when he leaves mine, more thoughtless rather than intentionally spiteful.

I'd leave his washing up, I wouldn't do it during the day the next day either I'd leave the whole lot to him the next night. If he can't do you the favour of helping out the night you're out I do use why you are helping him out with the dishes!

You need to talk to him and ask him to do the full set of chores when you’re out, or alternatively just leave what’s not done and get a cleaner to play catch up mid week.

I personally would hate to feel that I had to do a prescribed set of chores every day.

Me and my partner both have separate chores. His is hoovering, dusting, bins, and dishwasher. Mine are cleaning the kitchen top to bottom, all three bathrooms and mopping. I cook dinner, he cleans up. We split it equal ways. I also do all the laundry etc as I'm better at it.

By the sounds of it, he gets off much easier than you do. You both need to do it equally. He's living the dream!

I guess you give him the options -

He May not be being an arse though? Might just not think the house needs tidying

My partner and I had some ongoing arguments about chores for a while. We both felt we were doing more than the other. I suggested we split them explicitly - he protested because his attitude was more like yours, "it's our house together, we should be a team and just get things done" etc. I insisted because I have seen too many instances amongst my family and friends where the "doing things as a team" becomes "the man does what he feels like, the woman picks up all the rest of the slack", and I'll be damnned if I get into that dynamic. We started a rota, and life is SO much less antagonistic and more regulated now! I would say we are more of a team knowing that both of us contribute the same, and not getting stressed if the other one takes a bit longer to complete some of the chores.

To be fair he is rarely deliberately an arse. That's why I didn't want to leave the washing up, because I'd be being intentionally spiteful whereas he seems to be more...idk what a kind word is....Inept? You're completely right that we have different ideals of what tidy means, however we've made an agreement together on what a daily house reset involves so he definitely knows which elements of the house 'need tidying'. I compromised a lot on how it should be, and so did he so we met in the middle. Works when we're both here, doesn't work when I'm out!

I hear you! We have a similar list to keep it fair. Wouldn't say it's equal due to several reasons but it's fair and it works for us. Except when I'm out for the evening! Though what you're saying about taking longer is interesting. I wonder if I was out an hour later if that would make much of a difference. Maybe he's just slower than me. I'm too keen to put my feet up, just want to get it all done!

I think you could leave "his" washing up without it having to be petty. I completely understand why you do it, and respect that. I would be the same. But if you want him to be able to consider his not returning the gesture on your night off, he might need to experience it.

Update: He got back and his face lit up when he saw how clean the kitchen was. My early night plan was scuppered by the baby so I was up when he got back. He said 'thanks so much for doing all this' and when I replied 'Isn't it nice to come back to a house with nothing to do when it's your evening off?' he got my meaning straight away and said he's going to up his game.

So...time will tell next week!!

Admittedly in my younger years of marriage, when the kids were young, my wife worked part time, i worked full time, she did most of everything, i remember one time when i told her i did the washing and hung it out on the line, she thanked me, but then asked me if she ever told me that she did the vacuuming? The penny dropped! Now i do my fair share of house chores.

My wife asked if I'd pick up the vacuuming so I bought a robot vacuum cleaner.

Everyone's happy.

Get a dishwasher.

In my experience things couples are set in their ways in don’t tend to change unless there’s a big discussion that happens about it. Big enough to stick in the other persons mind. Men are a bit like kids sometimes they don’t seem to pay attention until you get really annoyed lol.

You know I was surprised this one didn't arrive earlier in the thread.

We have a dishwasher. But there are several things which do not go in the dishwasher for various reasons. DH does not want to get rid of the things and wants to properly take care of them so approximately 6 nights out of 7, 52 weeks of the year he washes them up.

Been a marked improvement this week so seems that good deeds won out!

Thanks for the advice all.

Great!