To be fed up of being a Mum?

[FedUpFlamingo]

My DC are 8 and almost 3. I work 4 days a week, my DH does 5 days. I guess most people feel this way, but I just feel like there are not enough hours in the day and I constantly feel snowed under.

My 8 year old is well behaved, as in well mannered, kind, does well at school etc, but he does not listen. I am at the end of my tether and I don’t know if it is a genuine hearing thing or if he is taking the piss when I say something and he repeats what I think he has said, for example ‘pick up your clothes’ and he will say ‘pick up my bones?!’ for example. He knows there is no relevance to that, but it is so frustrating. I have ADHD and the I feel like the smallest things wind me up, but it is mainly him. Yesterday I asked him to take his shoes off when he got home, but he was on his tablet and claims he didn’t hear me. I raised my voice and told him again and told him to put the tablet down and listen. I’m so fed up with it all. My DH finds it just as frustrating. He is DS step dad. I feel so stuck in the middle sometimes because I’m getting frustrated with DS, as is my DH, but I feel like DH takes it too far sometimes. On holiday recently he said to my DH that he feels like he hates him sometimes and I felt heartbroken, because I had issues with my SD growing up. I don’t want the same for my son. Is it just an age thing and he’s at the annoying age?! Or do I need more patience?!

My 2 year old is my DH’s daughter and although I would say he treats both children the same, he can be harsher with my son when he doesn’t listen or talks back. I would discipline in the same way, but I don’t want DS to think we are favouring DD over him. She also has her fair share of discipline when needed as a toddler, but obviously doesn’t have the same understanding as DS.

I just feel like a failure, because all I ever wanted growing up was a family of my own and always knew I wanted to be a mum. I just never knew it would be this draining and not as enjoyable as I thought. I’m fully aware we aren’t in the movies and everything is perfect, but I thought it wouldn’t be as mundane.

I also feel like my DH can be quite negative and he says he doesn’t enjoy spending time with the kids 90% of the time and makes a joke out of it, but I think deep down he means it. I feel like he is dragging me down with his negativity and I’m constantly second guessing days out etc because he will say ‘what’s the point, we won’t enjoy it’ etc.

so AIBU to think that parenting isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, or am I being a negative Nelly at the end of my tether?!

The problem is not you. The problem is your DH.

First of all, have you booked him a hearing test to check he doesn't have some kind of hearing problem before you automatically label him annoying?

Secondly, have you told your DH to stop being negative? Why bother trying to get him involved if he's not interested? Leave him to it and you and the kids go have fun. Sounds like you have a couple of mildly inconvenient issues that are easily fixable but instead of doing so you're complaining about them.

My ex used to say things like “well that killed two hours” after a trip to the park or “only three hours of time to kill until bedtime”. I laughed it off at the time and almost found myself stopping enjoying my time with the kids because he so obviously wasn’t. Once he left time flies, I love hanging out with my kids and we are all much happier.

You have a DH problem.

Thanks, I wouldn’t say mildly inconvenient when it’s constant, but I know it isn’t a life threatening issue!

Does your DS have ADHD?

Reason I ask is when I was a kid my parents thought I had a hearing issue as I regularly said 'what?' when someone was talking to me. Or like your DS, I would repeat back what I thought they said. Turns out I have ADHD and when you're ND it can take you longer to process what someone has said to you, so you use your reply as time to take in what's been said to you and to think of your reply.

Just a thought and he's more likely to have it if you have it.

I have four DC and feel overwhelmed at times, especially with various hospital appointments, filling out disability forms etc. Yep, you're not the only one.

Got to make time for yourself each day though, that's the trick to all of this.

Read a book, or see a friend for a coffee etc.

It's unfair on your son to wonder if he is the problem, when it's clearly your DH. Have you had your DSs hearing checked?

I genuinely think he does! I have contacted his school and they aren’t interested and don’t see any issues, as he is a high performer and well behaved. I was the same as a child and only diagnosed last year aged 31. It wouldn’t surprise me if he does have it, because I see so many of the same traits between us. I also contacted CAMHS, but again they weren’t interested and said contact the school. I’m at a loss of what to do.

ADHDer here too. I went for a hearing test as I struggle with my hearing, turns out there’s nothing wrong with my ears, I struggle to hear due to my distractibility. I also use the wrong word in sentences like your son.

I feel like your ADHD is impacting this situation. An Adhd coach might help gige you strategies or lots of videos on Facebook for helpful Adhd tips.

Have you spoken to your GP?

Go back and speak to your son's school and insist they do something about it. Don't let it go.

And this post is EXACTLY why I won’t introduce anyone I’m in a relationship with to my son whilst he’s a child. Ever.

OP - your sons behaviour aside, YAB deeply U to allow your son to grow up in a home where he feels (knows?) a step parent doesn’t like him. I experienced that- step parent who didn’t like me, and their shared child was treated preferentially.

When I grew up, guess who I was FILLED with rage at? Not my stepfather (he’s trash, I feel nothing for him but disdain). My mother. For choosing a man over me, her daughter. For letting me grow up knowing that I wasn’t loved, wasn’t prioritized, and was at best tolerated. At worst I was psychologically and emotionally abused. And it started with me being treated “a bit more harshly” than my half sister.

Only you know what’s going on in your home/ but I would strongly advise you to listen to what your son is saying, and at least seek family therapy.

And fwiw Im a single mum with an 8 year old boy like yours. Doesn’t listen to a bloody word. Drives me potty. But he’s my child. I adore the bones of him and he always always comes first. Bad habits and all.

My DH doesn’t dislike my son at all, he treats him better than his own father does that’s for sure. I think my DH feels stuck because he is the step parent and he wants his father to take more responsibility in parenting and DH feels out of his depth. We have been together since DS was 3, he loves him and I would never be with someone who disliked my son. I too grew up with an awful step dad and I have cut contact with my mum for letting my SD treat me the way he did, so I am also all too familiar with this.

My son is very sensitive and emotional, but also 8 years old and doesn’t like not getting his own way, so will voice his dislike when he doesn’t get what he wants. Even to the point of saying he thinks he isn’t liked because we won’t let him have something.

Anyway, I think I am struggling with burnout and the ADHD doesn’t help - I am still learning how to help myself with this.

However, I know that I would always put my kids first, no matter how annoying they can be sometimes. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them. I just need a break.

Hate to say it (bc I feel like I'm always saying it on MN) but he probably has adhd as well. It's very hereditary. My niece and I both have it (diagnosed) and we both were referred for hearing tests as children that were found to be normal. Also, it's common to have a comorbidity that slows down speech processing time, particularly when you're engrossed in something, like a computer game.

Pressed send too quick!

Sorry you're feeling burned out. First thing's first - go easy on yourself. Do the minimum. It's really easy to do the most bc you feel it's never enough.

What @Abigaillovesholidays said about getting an adhd coach is good advice. My partner's using one for free on the Access to Work scheme, and he's finding it brilliant (if you're a SAHP just say it's cos you want to get back to work, which I'm sure you may do in time).

Please look at a sweets etc you child may have … ADHD I believe is also connected with sugar and not necessarily a poor diet but just not enough of the good stuff …
Can you have a word with his teacher as their are provisions I think for children with this condition too

its so common these days .. its good people can get help and talk about it more openly

ADHD is a mental health disability so I wasn’t surprised to read:

My son is very sensitive and emotional, but also 8 years old and doesn’t like not getting his own way, so will voice his dislike when he doesn’t get what he wants. Even to the point of saying he thinks he isn’t liked because we won’t let him have something.

His feelings of not being liked will be exhasberated due to rejection sensitivity dysphoria, this is often the most disabling aspect of having ADHD.

It doesn’t sound like your son is being treated like someone with a debilitating mental illness so it’s no surprise both your son and yourself are struggling, especially when you’ve already admitted in your earlier post that the step dad treats your disabled son unfairly compared to his half sister and that he takes his too far when expressing his frustrations at your son.

I'm sorry you're finding things hard.
Working and family life do make things busy and I completely get the feeling of being overwhelmed at times!

With your son, I would suggest a hearing test, just to rule anything out.
Ultimately though, he's 8 - kids mishear, are distracted by what they are doing, forget what you have asked them to do etc. It's normal, I promise! I have a 10 year old who is well behaved, academic etc. But still have to repeat myself at times.

I also teach secondary and trust me, you can give one clear instruction to a silent class e.g. when I say go, you are going to put your books on the pile here (showing where here is with mu hand!). I can guarantee someone will still ask me where the books are going 😂

You probably do this already but make sure you are only giving one short instruction at a time. Don't give another until the first thing is completed.

I do think though that a bigger issue here is your DH. He needs to stop being so negative about things e.g. days out. If he won't enjoy it, take the kids and go without him.

@FedUpFlamingo
'At a loss of what to do' about sons possible adhd?
You definitely don't 'need' a diagnosis to give you permission to start treating him as though he has adhd. Just be compassionate now. Think about what strategies will work for an adhd child and you and your DH try them out on him. If they work well keenusing them. It's easy to google. Eg say his name and make sure you have his attention first before giving an instruction, then ask him to repeat back the instruction first before he does it. But none of us can focus on adult voices when we're engrossed in our electronics can we - don't expect your son to be able to especially when tired.

@Fannyfiggs why would you 'insist the school does something about it' if he's learning well and happy at school why on earth would they waste their resources on an issue at home?

Op if you're struggling at home you can contact your local authority early help for support.

Op does your son's dad ever take him for a weekend? Perhaps book yourself on a retreat night away when he does to decompress

@Unexpectedlysinglemum is speaking a lot of sense. Currently you have a communication problem with DS. You speak, he doesn’t appear to hear/ seems to ignore you. This leads to a negative response.

Try saying his name really clearly. Say, ‘look at me please,’ if necessary. Then ask him to do ONE thing and wait while he does it. Give him a positive response, just a well done is fine.

Do anything possible to keep that positivity going- not mad, over the top stuff. It may drive you mad at how slow it is to make progress but what you are doing now isn’t working so look for ways that do. Try with all your might to get DH on the same page. Honestly it can be transformative.

so AIBU to think that parenting isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, or am I being a negative Nelly at the end of my tether?!

It's hard slog a lot of the time but fun for some of the time!

You sound as if you're not having much fun as a family, your DS sounds as if he's doing well at school so his hearing is probably not a problem. It's probably selective hearing and he sounds quite funny to me, a normal eight year old (or he's trying to be funny).

It all sounds rather strict and, if you don't mind me saying, rather joyless. I hope you can all learn from your eight year old and start having a joke and a laugh together.

Try GP and talk about an assessment, especially since there is a genetic link.