Think this is the end - advice for the next few weeks?

[PosySimmons]

I think my marriage is about to end. Tonight might finally be the night we sit down and face up to it. I'm devastated.

Won't go into the details here. It's not dramatic, no one event or 'guilty party'. Just irretrievably broken.

What happens now? What, in your experience, are the things you need to do / discuss in the next few weeks and months? Please hold my hand and walk me through this terrifying reality.

We have 1 DS (8), a dog, rent the house, both work full time.

Thanks.

I have no experience, but I’m sending hugs your way. Just know that there will be ups and downs ahead. But you will be okay in the end. Lean on anyone you need to. Try and arrange at least one social thing a week, even if you aren’t in the mood. Take care X

Thanks. I'm a bit lost.

I’m so sorry to hear this.
FWIW I’ve been through this. Don’t accept any offers at this stage. Work out what you will financially to survive, keep in mind things become more expensive, children get more expensive as they grow. Add a % on to the final figure - to be given in due course. Think about what you need to survive.
Get all info together. Don’t promise anything other than good communication and try to find a way to co parent well.
Lean on friends, family whoever. Trust those with knowledge, don’t listen to those who don’t fully understand.
look at benefit calculators.
dont disclose what you could get. You H may try to take this off the CM (should you agree on a figure).
Try to stay in the house until child is 18 (19 if need to resit A Levels)
When he moves out claim Universal credit if you can. Be aware of any savings that will hinder your claim.
when he moves out claim single person entitlement on council tax.
Try to create a budget, get the names changed on bills. Work out what services you need.
lean on mumsnet.
we are with you.
good luck OP!

Sending you love @PosySimmons. The best advice I got was one day at a time, for everything. No hasty decisions or words you can't take back. Really sorry you're going through this x

Have the talk tonight then take time to step back before you take the next steps.

It will be OK, there is life after this but the path might be a little bumpy at times.

It's a chance to talk and air problems. May not be the end but if heading that way, like anything difficult in life, take each day at a time. Take time to adjust to the idea, practical stuff can be talked about and done when ready. Sending hugs 🫂 xxx

It might not be the end. But if he continues to avoid offering any ounce of compassion, effort or emotion given what's at stake, I might have to decide that it is.

Thanks for answering. I'm trying to be pragmatic and jeep my head together.

Bump.

We talked last night. Apparently I've become "another thing on his list of things to do". I can sort of understand that. I'm not perfect and jointly responsible. He wants to get things back to being good again, but is worried it isn't possible.

We both said we wanted to try. We agreed to make changes to the snall, practical, tangible things in the hope they will have a cumulative positive effect and the bigger stuff will start to make sense and feel natural again.

Feels a bit like I'm waiting to see whether I can be deemed loveable or not. Which sucks.

Give yourself a deadline and if you haven't noticed any improvement with him or the relationship then accept it is over and start the separation process. Either choose a full calendar month or a certain date, eg birthday or Christmas, or whatever you think is reasonable for what needs changing.

You can also use this time to plan and/or dream of what you want your future to look like. If he suddenly reverts back to how he used to be would that be enough for you for the next ten or twenty years? Or do you want more, or even different things? Most of us change as we grow older so decide what you want, work out how to achieve it, then see if he thinks your dreams are what he wants too. Don't be afraid to use this time for change.

If it doesn’t work out and you do leave, you won’t be living daily in an unhappy relationship anymore. It’s so difficult dealing with the separation and terrible attachment wounds but if you decide to leave, on the other side of that is a life for you of not being drained by being in a sad and unhealthy situation. So either way, if you focus on what feels healthy, you will be okay in the end, and you’ll be so relieved to get your sparkle back

you re allowed to say...no m8,im done.
its not bad.
you are llowed.draggin it out n tickin boxes has left you-hangin...
you get one life.do what suits you-and son best.

and "good"is a really low bar to set.espec with zero compassion....whole big fuckin world out there.

Thank you. That's all incredibly helpful.

Apparently I've become "another thing on his list of things to do"
Sounds like he is fed up of being a team member, a husband and a father and not being number one.

set boundaries, use the time to prepare for the end, and don't accept crumbs.

One life.

Being educated and prepared is always good:

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies or similar
Family solicitors websites

Perhaps, yes

I earn twice what he does, work more hours, do all of the school runs, all the cooking, and project manage all of the housework and life admin (he does do specific tasks).

His complaints are that I've put on weight, spend too much money, drink too much, am always stressed and bad tempered, don't have any hobbies and am disorganised.

My complaints are that I'm tired, lonely, and never feel good enough.

oh OP, what a sad last post.

Tell me honestly, what does he bring to the family unit? And what does he bring to you? I'm talking physically and emotionally. Does he ever compliment you, uplift you, support you, take away your worries and cares for an evening? Or does he just undermine and criticise everything you do?

If he decided to leave how much of a hole would he leave behind and how difficult would it be to fill that hole? What is his contribution to the running of the house, you mention specific tasks? If it's just DIY and taking out bins then it's not a big hole really, is it.

"I earn twice what he does, work more hours, do all of the school runs, all the cooking, and project manage all of the housework and life admin (he does do specific tasks).

His complaints are that I've put on weight, spend too much money, drink too much, am always stressed and bad tempered, don't have any hobbies and am disorganised."

This is so sad to read. I too have put on weight, drink too much, am grumpy and mid-menopause, am disorganised and also flit from hobby to hobby. I used to earn double what he did and then changed careers.

I get unwavering support from a man who loves me. He also does more than his share of household tasks, not least because he works from home.

You deserve much, much better OP. Don't waste your life 'proving' you're worth it to him.

Sending love and wishing you the best.

What an absolute cunt to criticise you for putting on weight when he probably doesn't pull his!

Does he still look like his 20 year old fresh self?

OMG I'm fuming on your behalf!!

What are your complaints about him though, OP? Because I presume you feel he doesn't pull his weight, has that been discussed and what does he have to say to that?

Divorce is expensive and stressful, especially for children.

Child sharing will be the biggest issue- far easier if no children involved.

Won’t be at all surprised if OP’s husband has a new woman lined up soon- as in weeks.

That’s how so many men roll.

@PosySimmons Just read all your posts.

The relationship sounds dead in the water.

You earn well, try and buy a small house and leave.

Renting if one earns well is lost money.

Far better to live “alone” than lonely within a relationship.

Ask yourself what he’s bringing into relationship?

It’s easy to criticise and blame somebody while doing absolutely nothing to change and improve.

What’s his commitment to make things work and lessen your load(which is much bigger than his)?

It might seem like a disaster from your point of view if you were to split up but it’s actually easier to be a single parent as you lose A LOT of work assigned by your lazy,uncooperative can’t-be-arsed “partner”