DS asked me to tell his dad not to something

[Borninabarn32]

Left abusive relationship, he still has regular contact with DS. He's not a good parent, we have lots of issues, I am just starting mediation.

DS has asked me to tell him dad not to do something, it's not a major thing, think "can you ask dad to stop slagging you off to me." DS is reception aged.

I have to do it don't I. I have to let DS see that I have his back? Or should I explain that I can't make his dad do anything? I want him to know I'll stand up for him. And I think it's just the fear of his father making me doubt that its the right thing to do.

That is a major thing. Poor DS must feel put in the middle - obviously not your fault... is the mediation to agree a contact schedule? In which case that may be a good place to bring it up.

Is there a way you can support your DS in how to cope with unwanted comments, as I doubt the Dad will stop just because you ask him to.

However, if he's not a good parent, and is abusive, I'd let him take me to court for access.

Firstly, mediation shouldn’t be considered at all if there’s been abuse in the relationship. At least, that’s what I was advised by my solicitor and women’s aid when I went through family court a few years ago.

I would tell your child you will do your best- ask that his dad stops whatever the negative behaviour is- but ultimately, it’s up to his dad to decide whether he stops. If he is slagging you off to your child that needs addressing as it can and will affect the child’s relationship with both parents and can mess them up generally.

Agree pp mediation is not appropriate where there has been DV/A.
Yes, you do as your dc asked even if you know it won’t work bc you are a team, their protector.

You can't do it because it will backfire. Is there another adult (am thinking grandparent or something) who can intervene?

It depends on what it is you DS wants you to ask his dad not to do? if DS is reception age, then we are talking 4 or 5 years old is that right?

My DC asked me to ask their dad for 'proper hotchoc' once, because i have the cadburys hot chocolate at home and he always bought the shop brand one. I told them to suck it up not everyone can afford better brands. I actually found out some years later that my 2 DC used to swipe my tub of hot chocolate and my shampoo and take it too their dads, then sneak it back when they came back.

I'd say tread carefully because my DC soon learner from an early age to play me off against their dad and in the end me and ex used to communicate well and left no room for anything

Mediation is not a good solution when one party is abusive, it does not work.

Maybe a reminder that parental alienation is now a crime?

I am more shocked that a reception aged child knows the expression 'slagging off'.

No, I wouldn't actually talk to his father. Given that he has history of DV, I would be concerned about my child's safety if he finds out your son "ratted him out" to you. No way.
I would, however, explain to your son that you cannot make his dad do what you want him to do but that your son has a choice not to see him (which he does). So, if he finds visits too upsetting, it is his choice and you will support him whatever he decides.

I said "think" as in its along the lines of. Not that DS has said that. It's a specific thing his dad is saying that is upsetting him.

I don't know what to do besides mediation as I thought you had to do mediation before court.

It's quite frankly a fucking nightmare but legally I understand that in court that would reflect badly on me and give his dad more contact at DSs cost. I really don't know what to fucking do besides go back in time and slap some sense into myself when I said yes to dating this nob.

The best you can do is give DC some tools to deal with it. Maybe he could say "can we talk about something else Dad" or something to that effect. You can't stop the slagging sadly and mediation etc probably won't work with this type of character