To wonder what age children handle splits the best

[Snoopfrog]

Me and my partner have been very unhappy for a while now. I am a solo parent anyway it seems, my children are 6 and 3 and are the most wonderful little people, I want to end this relationship (I am financially independent) and would stay in the house I am in. The only thing holding me back is the affect on the kids, I have tried to stay miserable but I can’t. I am also fantasising about other men so I know I need to get out. What if I ruin their lives?

You think staying miserable is a better option?

No better time than now op. Children are resilient and no matter what you do a product of their environment. You staying in a miserable relationship 'for them' will have an effect on them. May as well get happy.

It's not that you split - it's how you split. My parents had a terrible divorce and custody battle and it's deeply affected me but more as an adult and how I navigate relationships rather than an immediate affect in childhood. But I'm still an ok adult I think. Smart, thoughtful, kind, good life, etc.

Just get out (but I'd be realistic about dating if you're going to be a single mother of young children! Leave because you'd rather be single than because you think you can do better)

I don’t want another relationship. I just want a bit of fun and would never introduce anybody to the kids. I probably don’t even want that I just want to be free from this misery

Then get out!

Staying in a miserable relationship is far worse then splitting. The kids are young and will be fine - they'll get used to it much more quickly at this age than at an older age.

I was seventeen when my parents divorced - dad had an affair. Because of my age mum really did treat me more of a friend to unload to than a daughter who loved her father. I had to prop her up emotionally, take her side and listen to all the details as she ranted and cried to me. Don't get me wrong I appreciate how hard it was for her but it was too much for me.

Your children are so young that this will just be something they get used to (on the basis obviously that the split isn't awfully acrimonious).

As an older child of divorce I would much rather my parents had split when I was much younger.

DD was 8 when I split from her Dad. She struggled at first, kept asking us to get back together. However once she had got used to the idea, she started to recognise that everyone was happier. She’s had amazing support from school (including 1:1 sessions) which really helped. Now if I talk about it with her, say she talks about couples getting back together, she hates the idea of us getting back together!
I’ve had to do a lot of work on myself - done counselling and coaching, changed jobs, worked on my physical fitness. Bit of a ‘put your own mask on before putting them on your child’ type situation.
I think there’s no ‘best’ time. Kids adapt. Sometimes earlier is easier. I’d say the only worst times would be during exams or as soon as they move out. Bottom line is, if you’re miserable, kids do pick up on it.

I work with children. IME the younger the children are when their parents separate the quicker they adapt. At 6 and 3 they will adjust to their new 'normal' very quickly if the adults involved handle the situation calmly and responsibly, and contact arrangements are predictable and consistent.

It's rarely about age and nearly always about how the parents handle the split.

The more amicable, without slagging off the other parent or dragging the kids into it, the better.

I once read some research which said children in the 7 and under age bracket dealt with the split of their parents better than older ones.

The younger the better, I wish I had had the strength to leave my ex DH a lot sooner than I did, my kids were older and I wish I had left years earlier x

I think what causes problems is when they feel torn between parents, witness lots of anger and arguments, see one parent abusing or slagging off the other.

In your shoes I'd read some books about how to break up amicably. Then do that.

It might not ruin their lives but it will impact them whenever you do it. Don’t stay together for their sake though as the toxic environment will have long lasting impact. The younger the better I would say.

I understand how tough it is, me and DH spilt for about 7 months last year and I was so worried about the kids and how they would feel (9/5/3) but agree with others it's not about you splitting up it's more how you go about it. Don't argue or bad mouth eachother in front of them, explain that even though you don't love eachother anymore you both still love them just as much and that none of it is their fault. If you need to rant and cry/be angry etc. then find an adult to help you with that, don't rely on the kids to pull you through as they will be needing you (and their dad) to be there for them not the other way round. Best case scenario you can both amicably co-parent. I'd say worse case scenario would be for them to see their mum have a miserable life stuck with their dad who she didn't want to be with.

They will be affected whenever you do it. They’ll also be affected by growing up in an unhappy home. It’s better to rip off the band aid and get it over with.

Pull the trigger OP, no point in being miserable.

Make sure you have boundaries though, some weird stuff goes on when you split which doesn't help kids like doing family days out together or Christmas etc

Keep it clean from the outset.

The younger the better, generally

I left my eldest dc dad when they were 3, they don’t remember anything about or around that time, so I’d say if ur wanting him to leave do it soon.

I was 6 when my parents split and I clearly understood, although it was hard, that they were happier apart. You can really tell how they will cope but I can honestly say that my dad never bad mouthing my mum was amazing.

Don't do it the month before A level exams... cheers dad... thought I'd be distracted by the exam season. Didn't work like that.

My sister who was 12 years younger - around 5 - coped better.

I've read that the least good time is between 8-12 years... I knew a friend whose dad left on her birthday and she was reminded of it each year.. Best of luck. Great you can be independent immediately in terms of house etc. That will mean a lot in terms of a smooth transition for your dc also.

The younger the better IMO. If you're going to do it OP I'd do it asap.

If you can amicably split and put the kids central to the arrangements then this is better than an unhappy relationship. Acrimonious splits with parental alienation is really bad for children

You say you want to stay in your current home - is he registered on it anywhere?

My parents divorced when I was 2. I have no memory of that time and it was normal M-F with my Mum; weekends with my Dad, I never knew any different.

I am two weeks in to a separation after nearly 15 years with my partner. I was unhappy and have been mostly miserable for the last few years. We have 3 children together- age 11,8 and 3 (nearly 4)
At the moment it's my 11 yo son who is taking it the hardest. I can tell you I am going through every emotion at the moment. Instead of anxiety that I do suffer with I am waking in the morning feeling a sense of relief.
Unlike yourself I'm not financially stable. I have only worked part time since becoming a Mum and that's down to my now ex always working 12 hour days Mon to Fri and some weekends. I have done the majority of the child care from day 1. Part of the reason we have split up is that I never felt supported when I needed it and lack of intimacy for years, also that he was never willing to cut down on drinking and time spent in the pub after work most nights. I tried so hard to make it work but ultimately you can't keep trying forever. Leave him and give your children two happier parents. That's what I hope for our children's future.