Aibu to think I shouldn't be a source of information between estranged relatives?

[FoxtrotUnibrowCharlieKilo]

Basically my parents and my younger sister have fallen out. The history is that my parents are pretty devout catholics. We were obviously raised Catholic but have all pretty much ditched religion entirely. One brother and his wife are half-hearted catholics - their kids go to Catholic school, they go to church at easter and Christmas etc, but they're more modern in their beliefs around divorce, abortion, homosexuality etc than my parents, who are very traditionally Catholic in their views on these things. The rest of us are atheists.

I obviously dont agree with their views and have said as much many times, but mostly I just roll my eyes when they say stuff. They're old and set in their ways, they are wrong to judge of course, but they don't actively harm anyone with these beliefs.

I'm reasonably close to my youngest sister, we meet infrequently but message a lot. Out of the blue (to me, anyway) she's announced she wants no further contact from my parents and she is cutting them out of her life due to not agreeing with their beliefs. My parents are very sad. I feel upset about the situation and think it will drive a wedge in the whole family and make family events like Christmas and weddings really awkward or force people to choose between who they spend time with. So I feel sad about this but can't really apportion blame to either party as I can understand why my sister doesn't tolerate their views.

So that is the back story. The aibu is: my mum asks after my sister. I've said I will tell her a general "she's well/she's happy/she's fine" but I will not betray my sister by giving my parents personal details about what my sister is up to. My mum accepts this but of course is sad. However, my sister has always slagged my parents off to me. As in, we would both moan about the things they say and roll our eyes etc. I met up with my sister for the first time since the rift today and to my surprise, she immediately said "so what crazy shit have mum and dad been saying lately?" I was taken aback that she thought the old dynamic would continue, so i just changed the subject. She later asked again and started ranting about something they said years ago that we have discussed before, as if she wanted to drag me in to moaning about them. I just said, "Why do you need to know if you don't want them in your life anymore?" She was very angry and ended up leaving. I've messaged her to say I'm sorry she's upset but that I've told my parents I wont discuss her with them, so it's only fair the courtesy should go both ways. I honestly don't understand why she wants to spend the afternoon moaning about them when she says she's cut them out of her life. She replied saying I've made it clear who's side I'm on (ie, my parents) and that I'm a hypocrite for changing my opinion on them. I tried to reply that my opinion hasnt changed, but She's now blocked me 😔

This isn't about the difference of beliefs or whether you think my sister is right to cut them off. My aibu is, am I unreasonable to say I will be neutral between both sides and not pass on information about either?

I don't think you're being U but obviously the dynamics at play aren't straightforward or 'equal'. I think it's entirely normal for siblings to have the sort of eye rolling 'you won't believe what Dad said' conversation you discuss but not quite as normal to have it the other way around with a parent about a sib? (But then, I'm probably just describing my own dynamics there...)

So I think it's OK if she's upset to lose that kind of communication with you. But equally I think it's fine for you to take the stand you're taking, quite grown up actually.

What's actually striking is how easily your sister cuts people off. I think it's reasonably unusual to suddenly stop talking to parents because you believe different things - 99% of the Catholics I know (including myself) would be in the same position as your family. And then to jump immediately to blocking you, either she's got form for being a dick or something's happened/triggered this kind of behaviour.

Is going NC something out of character?

Your sister has some growing up to do. Let her.
You were absolutely right to say what you said.

I'm in a very similar situation at the moment OP, and it's really difficult, so I totally get where you're coming from. I just want to continue with my OWN relationships with both parties, and not be involved. I think I would leave your sister to make up her mind whether she wants to maintain contact with you, feeling as she does, although she's clearly being really childish in her expectation that you should take her side, I would also continue to tell your parents that you don't want to be piggy in the middle, and hope that sooner or later they'll all start thinking of other things to talk about, rather than trying to use you for information.

Your position in this situation is really, really hard – I feel for you, and it's totally understandable that there are blowups and hurt feelings along the way. It's a whole renegotiation of familial structures, and these things are never smooth.

And I think your sister was looking for comfort.

Regardless of her reasons for going NC, the period of time after cutting contact with parents is an emotional rollercoaster: grief, self-doubt, sadness, worry about judgement from others, judgement of yourself... it's not easy. You don't just decide to cut off your parents and then all the emotions disappear - they evolve and often get even more complex.

You're her sister and you've been her familial 'safe place' for a long time. She's probably needing a bit of normality more than usual, and to work through her emotions out loud somewhere she feels safe.

It's understandable that you feel the way you feel, and it might have been easier for her if you'd set the boundary of: "I don't feel comfortable being the middleperson so I'm not going to discuss you with them, or them with you" before making the comment that you did.

You knew the new rules of the game and she didn't, so it probably came as a shock and triggered a lot of the feelings of loss and self-doubt.

Let it settle. And when the time is right, let her know you're still there for her, and explain how it all feels for you. I think that was the only missing piece.

I don't know that it is in character or out of character... she's not cut others off before but she's just spent a year studying abroad and has definitely come back a bit different. Like more black and white and outspoken? Posting lots of things on Instagram about being herself, take it or leave it, and sharing her politics a lot more than before. Posting a lot about Gaza and actively calling out famous people on Instagram who haven't spoken against Israel, for example.

She seems more strong in her opinions than before. I don't know if something specific has caused that, or she is influenced by new friendships, or this is just her personality developing as she grows up (she is 23).

You were right to say that to your sister.

Your parents didn't ask for this rift. I don't know why you won't discuss her with them. You're punishing them twice.

Thanks @doyoulikemyyams that actually really makes sense. It seemed obvious to me that I'd behave this way, so it didn't occur to me that she would be surprised by it. So I guess that would have been a shock for her and would have upset her.

I still want a relationship with her. I'm hoping I can speak to her when she calms down. Maybe I could send her a letter explaining that I'm not taking sides.

I do worry that we won't have a lot in common without the subject of our parents' weirdness to talk about though.

I agree that it's not fair on you to be the messenger between your sister and parents. I think your approach of just saying they are fine and changing the subject is a good one.

In terms of talking about things that happened in the past, it's likely that your sister is processing a lot of emotions at the moment. It's not easy to cut off parents and it's not generally a decision made lightly. She is quite probably going over things that have happened in the past and trying to understand them from a different lense. You are in a unique position both to be a safe space and to have a good understanding of some of the situations she's discussing - although you should be aware that your perspectives may be different as you will have been treated differently even within the same family. Your sister may also be looking for you to understand her viewpoint and (potentially) come round to your way of thinking.

I think it's fine for you to say you don't want to discuss past events with her - but you should be clear that's what you're asking. I agree with your sister that it does sound like you are siding with your parents at the moment.

@GabriellaMontez I feel like if she tells me personal things, like she has a new boyfriend or had a problem at work, it would be betraying her to pass this private information on to our mother when my sister has categorically said she wants neither of my parents to know anything about her personal life.

I agree it is sad and I feel heartbroken for my mum, who is very tearful and sad whenever I see her. But she accepts she has to respect my sister's wishes. She just asks for reassurance that my sister is ok and happy. It's a horrible situation. I hope they can repair things.

Of course it seemed obvious to you – it's perfectly rational.

Chances are she's just so overwhelmed with her own experience, she hadn't yet thought about how it might be for you. And the thought of "oh no I've lost my sister now too", whether logical or not, took over.

Maybe you won't have a lot in common, and maybe you'll discover new parts of one another and new things to talk about.

What's clear is that you love one another. If you didn't, neither of you would be upset by this – so take heart in that, at least. It's a good foundation to start from 😉

I see, your sister wants to drag you with her.

I would ask your sister not to ask you to keep any secrets. It's not fair of her to manipulate you into joining her.

She's taken a very black and white stance. It's going to make her world a smaller place.

Sorry, this all sounds horrible and I hope you can manage this without driving her away.

That's actually really interesting because I half-thought you were going to say she was back after her first year at uni or something and is 'setting boundaries'. She's actually being really immature. Going NC with your parents, despite what you read on MN, is a huge step and as I say, unusual for it to be about religious beliefs once someone reaches adulthood and is no longer affected by those beliefs.

Give her time. Send her a birthday card and/or the odd note and wait for her to sort herself out.

I think it depends what the religious beliefs are and whether they are constantly mentioned, or just tacitly accepted.

I would find it very difficult (parents or not) to be round someone who thought that e.g. homosexuality was a sin or that divorcees were going straight to hell and referred regularly to those things in casual conversation. Maybe the sister is gay or has good friends they are. Hard to square that if parents are constantly reiterating their entrenched beliefs.

I’ve been in a similar position. I’ve been the only person anyone was speaking to at various times.

It’s a lonely place and it’s a burden.

However- it’s all still new.

A letter pointing that out, and saying you have no idea how it’s going to work and didn’t know what to do or say will help. Say that it will take time to establish the rules of the new situation, and that you don’t want to make anything worse so were working on the basis that you shouldn’t report back between any of you.

I tell you it’s awful. You are in for a world of biting your tongue to avoid mentioning something you’ve been told by one or the other.

The thing is, your mum may be fine with you telling sister the news. If she’s anything like me, she wants your sister to be supported and connected.

Your sister may also soften over time when she relaxes into it a bit. She may mean something quite different from what you’ve assumed. Who can tell.

I do get what you're saying @redskydarknight but most of us come to an accommodation, don't we? I mean, my step dad is an out and out racist, I don't let him away with any of that shit and was very careful when DS was younger but to suddenly decide to go NC? It's the suddenness that feels a bit off. Presumably they've had these beliefs for a long time... And also DSis doesn't share them, and she'd gone NC with her because she won't gossip about the parents? Just feels a bit immature to me.

I get that, but homosexual activity between men was illegal until 1970 (England) 1980 Ireland and Scotland.

Actually maybe I take it back. The sister is the same age as my son so her parents could be my age.

I was going to say it was illegal until her parents were adults, but that’s unlikely.

It's only sudden to OP. She has no idea what conversations her sister has had with their parents.
It actually sounds like OP has had years of her sister moaning about her parents, so it's hardly a huge surprise from that perspective.

It also sounds like the other siblings just put up with the parents' behaviour, so does not suggest that they would be very accommodating to changing it - it sounds like sister's options were basically to put up with it, or cut herself off.

It sounds to me as though sister has gone NC with OP because OP fails to even recognise that there might (and I say "might" specifically) be fault on the parents' side. She's not exactly being the neutral person she claims she is.

Oh OP, it is tricky. I've been in your boat.
One of my relatives stopped speaking to another. I declared myself neutral/Switzerland and was reprimanded/rebuked for not taking their side and not intervening/mediating on their behalf.
I had done the latter twice to no avail.
I thought they both had rights/wrongs on their side.
I'm now LC with one (just how it's turned out) and the one who stopped speaking is NC with us both (with no explanation). Just to warn you of what might come to pass.

The one who has chosen to be NC with me, I used to enquire about with another relative, then realised that that was unfair/hypocritical so I don't ask anymore. If I pick up snippets of info that's up to them but I don't pass on messages or ask how the other is doing as if they wanted me to know, they'd reply to my emails which have been ignored for five years now.

Families are difficult and estrangement is painful.
I am still not sure what I'd do differently.
I was accused of being a golden child when I always felt like I was the black sheep. I certainly feel like I've been scapegoated. I loved them all but am LC with two (mutual/circumstantial) and NC with one (not my choice or wish).
You may end up "punished" as not taking sides allegedly is picking a side.
That's my experience anyway.
I don't use intermediaries as I have read enough to know that if I am now deemed problematic/toxic then that would be seen as sending a flying monkey.
One relative, like myself, just wants to stay neutral so karma - I now understand why that in itself hurts.

My advice to you - nip it in the bud with your sister now. Write to her and apologise for inadvertently hurting her (even though I think you've done nothing wrong). Ask her what she wants going forward. Ask her whether she wants to reconcile with your parents on neutral ground i.e. yours. If not, place the ball in her court again: does she just want to talk to you and vent/does she not want to talk about them at all (seems she does)/does she want you to keep her in the loop?

Knowing what I know now, I'd have tried to mediate more and if that didn't work, I'd just carry on listening to both sides vent/berate/solicit info - I'd share that info/pics etc unless specifically told not to or unless I saw it ripping open a fresh wound each time and I'd try to keep channels open as far as I could.
The alternative is the "elephant in the room" approach - it's agreed ahead that the topic is not up for discussion. The problem with that, as you've discovered, is the persona non grata/living bereavement means as Switzerland, you'll take the brunt of resentment/pain or simple curiosity.

Therefore I'd speak about them all - none of them are dead - and then just be there to listen to what follows. If a person - and someone told me this recently on here = is stuck in the past and on past hurts and slights, they won't ever move forward. All you can do is encourage them to look past the others' misdemeanours or pay lip service to both parties by being a shoulder to cry on (careful though as you might be accused simultaneously of not caring, being two-faced or disloyal). It's a no-win situation that you didn't ask to be part of.

Thanks for your input. To answer a few questions: my parents are in their late 60s, but I honestly don't think they'd be more liberal even if they were younger.

They aren't screaming "burn in hell" at anyone, but for example if there's a gay couple on a tv show, they'll make comments about the corruption of society, etc and maybe change the channel if it goes on too long. None of us are gay but I honestly don't think they'd disown us if we were, but I imagine there'd be a lot of praying and persuasion and hand wringing. One of my other siblings actually had a child in her teens "out of wedlock" and my parents have always adored my nephew and basically helped raise him so my sister could finish education. They initially wanted her to marry the father but accepted it when she said no and have always supported her and they have a good relationship.

My sister in question is definitely not gay, I imagine she has gay friends or colleagues of course. I think she has such conviction in her morals now that she can't maintain a relationship with them, knowing they hold views she despises. She said to me that she wouldnt be friends with someone who held their views, so it is hypocritical to maintain a relationship with them just because they're her parents. I honestly see her logic, and I think I'm probably spineless in her eyes for just accepting they'll have these beliefs that I disagree with but loving them anyway. Weirdness aside, i think they've been great parents to all of us. I feel like I had a happy childhood, and from my perception she did too, but I'm now thinking I will actually ask her (when/if she talks to me) as maybe there's something deeper going on. Maybe she's never been happy.

23 is still young - my own DD is around that age.
I still learn things from her all the time.
I am sure she probably tolerates some of my opinions though (I am gender critical to some degree but not enough for her to go NC with me ).
It is possible that on her year abroad, your sister met new people, has had an awakening or perhaps has been vulnerable herself (e.g. unwanted pregnancy or discovering a new sexual preference/exploring her sexuality).
She is entitled to her views obviously.
But her choices do not reflect yours.
You choose to actively overlook your parents' flaws/intolerance/religious beliefs.
She can no longer do that, for whatever reason.
Better would have been for her to shut down the comments your parents make each and every time, ignore them like you do or continue to mock them in a safe space.
She's saying "Change all of you!" when they are Catholic with a C. But she hasn't given them chance to change (or has she?).
I'd talk it out again with her (if she gives you the chance) and ask her how she sees the future panning out (e.g. Christmas. Is she saying she cannot ever spend a moment in their company again?) How long have they been NC for and what triggered it, has anyone told you?

Questions for her/that she may have already asked herself

• What does she want and what does she get from her involvement with them as an adult?
• Do they see her for who she really is, or as an extension of them?
• Is she in their life from a sense of duty or because she is scared of them?
• Did she ever enjoy some aspects of being with them and did she initially want to stay close to them?
• Is she still there because she think there’s a chance that one day she will get some validation for how she experienced her childhood? (This is the key question: as a pp said, she'll have experienced her childhood differently to you. How was it for her?)

Did any of this "script" happen from your parents after she said she wanted nothing more to do with them?

• verbal abuse. * *
• "We have no idea what we've done."
• flying monkey/laying the guilt on thick.
• more verbal abuse
• an illness, something fairly dramatic that will just go away on its own.

What you could do with your sister over a

• Talk of your sadness over the estrangement.
• Say you want to try to understand it from their point of view.
• Ask for their help in understanding what their experience has been and how they interpreted that experience.
• Attempt to see all the events and feelings that led them to the conclusions they made.
• Sum up to them what they told you, without arguing about their version of events, to make certain that they know you have listened and not been defensive.
• Only if they want to know, say what your experience has been, and what you wish for in the future. Assure them that they are always in your thoughts.

All of the above are things I have saved from t'internet, not my own ideas, but hopefully, you will find them useful.

I met up with my sister for the first time since the rift today and to my surprise, she immediately said "so what crazy shit have mum and dad been saying lately?"

I do worry that we won't have a lot in common without the subject of our parents' weirdness to talk about though.

There you have it.
Your normal dynamic as a pp said is shared eyerolling.
She is probably curious as to how they are faring/needed reassurance she'd made the right decision to go non-contact.
You felt a subconscious loyalty to your parents not to bad mouth them.
She felt your default mode was different/ you were "off"

Responses could have been:

• "Same old" <insert anecdote, a mild one>
• "Nothing surprisingly" (infers they could change/she's had an impact)
• "All they've said lately is how much they miss you" (could have gone either way with you accused of guilt-tripping)
• "Oh, you know what they're like." Sum up how they are and move on.

I'd go round to hers with a peace-offering. Wine, cake or chocolate and just sit down and chew the fat.

I'm only posting on here to save you from the pain of losing a sibling. Whether you're right or wrong (and I think you are right fwiw) it hurts.

Good luck. God bless x

It sounds like a difficult situation - sorry you’re in the middle. Religion set out to be good stories and rules to live lives by, now they are incredibly decisive. Every aspect of life has extremism. My DHs live has been torn apart by his mothers polarised views. These views are put above her children and grandchildren. But sadly not surprising as she was an absent alcoholic as they were growing up. Wish them well and get on with your life.

I think it's a bit ironic that your sister is criticising your parents for holding fixed religious views, then declaring she can't be friends with anyone for holding these views and then going NC. She is being just as fixed and set in her rut as they are.

Seems to be opposing sides of the same coin.

OP, I would write to her to explain your position, you are not siding with them but that doesn't mean you automatically have to be "against" them. Say you thought the right thing to do was not to discuss either party's activities with the other, but if this was a misjudgement on your part, you are happy to talk it through.

But if she won't budge, then leave the ball in her court.

She isn't being politically groomed in any way?