12yr old belly button piercing

[DaftestBrush]

Hi.
First time posting as I'd appreciate some input.
For context, my DD is 12 (just). She lives with me and sees mum one weekend pm. Mum has been emotionally abusive, coercive and controlling in the past and the living arrangements were made at DD's request during mediation.
Their relationship had almost completely broken down but I've been instrumental in making sure they keep contact as I think it's important to have us both around.
We have a great Dad/daughter relationship, can talk about anything and do.
Recently, Mum has ostensibly flipped 180 degrees to become super cool mum with zero boundaries. Allows DD to drink alcohol (2 bottles of cider on Friday), decide her own bedtime, etc
I've kept my counsel so far but this weekend Mum took her to have a belly button piercing.

DD and I had previously discussed it, and agreed that if she felt the same when she was older then 16 was a reasonable age particularly given her school has very strict policies on piercing and she'll face disciplinary action if caught.

Mum told DD that she'd spoken to me and I was "fine about it", which is a lie. So far I haven't made any fuss as that would just fuel division between me and DD which is what she wants. I also don't want to make DD feel guilty.
She's 12 and doesn't see what's happening beyond getting her piercing and looking cool.
Inside I'm absolutely fuming.

I know there's nothing illegal and maybe I'm just overreacting but I'm regretting making sure they stay in contact.
Am I being a di*k?
Also any advice on how to deal with the inevitable other stuff like tattoos etc would be very much appreciated.

Well tattoos she legally cannot have till 18 so the tattooist would be committing an offence.

Let the fun mum run its course and back off on trying to make contact happen when mum looses interest. Keep all records of things like the cider though but again perfectly legal to drink at home or with a meal out after a certain age.

With the piercing. She is cleaning it properly and knows she cannot change the bar for months right? Also that the body might reject it and push it out leaving a nice scar. School will likely want it removed as soon as it’s spotted too. Which means it will try and heal over since schools start back in the next couple of weeks presumed your in England that is.

I actually think it may well be illegal. Not that there is anything you can do about it now.
But allowing your child to drink alcohol is not "cool parenting", it's neglectful and, possibly, abusive. And I am not the one to shout "abuse" at every corner. As a person from continental Europe, it is not unusual to give teen a little sip of wine with a meal. But allowing your child to guzzle two bottles of cider is not on.

Buy bottles of cider I presume again you mean beer sized bottles not the 2/3ltrs of white lightening or whatever it’s called stuff. Big difference again.

12 year olds should not be drinking 2 bottles of cider on an evening. Maybe 1 mixed with lemonade at a bbq or a special meal. I let my kids have small tastes of alcohol growing up , once they had reached about 13. But before that maybe the tiniest splash in a big glass of lemonade or grown up juice in a wine glass was always a favourite. I thought most reputable piercers would not do under 16s.

Mum will hopefully soon get fed up of the whole cool mum thing. You do need to tread very carefully because your DD is approaching the age where a cool permissive Mum will be very appealing

You are in such a difficult position.

Your DD is lucky that she has you in her life. I would not make a fuss over the belly button piercing as it is now done, make sure she is caring for it properly etc. I would sit your DD down and chat to her about why you have boundaries in place and that it is out of a place of love. Don't talk badly about her mum as this may come back at you.

Good luck.

I had my belly button pierced age 12. I let it heal up at 34 when I was pregnant, it was entirely fine until then. Most of my friends had it done at a similar age, I’m surprised it’s still in fashion! I’d personally let this one slide but the other things you’ve mentioned are a concern.

I’d insist she takes out the piercing. You made the rule and you’re her rock and what you say goes. Her mum is the unstable one with no boundaries, don’t stoop to her level. Your DD needs to know not to push boundaries with you.

If you are not cross with her for lying at least then your DD runs a risk of having 2 "cool" parents and no boundaries.
Doesn't usually end well

I love piercings. I have lots of them. There is no way on God’s green earth that any twelve year old that I was responsible for would be having anything more than her earlobes pierced. I’m not surprised you’re fuming.

I’m not sure whether or not I’d make her take it out. I think I would be honest with her and tell her that her mother had lied to her. She’s old enough to have probably worked it out for herself when she saw your reaction. I think I’d talk to her about it, remind her that school will be really cross about it, and ask her if she thinks it’s a good idea to keep it in. Appeal to the sensible side of her and tell her that if she decides to take it out, you’ll pay for her to have it done when she’s 16.

Then maybe have an age appropriate chat about parenting boundaries and how no rules might seem like lots of fun, but there’s nobody actually taking care of her and making sure that nothing bad happens to her.

I don’t think the daughter lied. I read it as the mum lied to the daughter.

I think this is really sound advice OP.

Good luck!

^ I would also agree with this advice.

I wouldn’t be cross with her but I wouldn’t hide my feelings about the piercing or shy away from pointing out that her mum lied.

Poor kid.

This isn’t illegal with parental consent, which she had.

I would be very annoyed. The girl is barely 12 and she's got a body piercing and is drinking booze. I'd be worried about what else her mother is going to expose her to.

I would be really pissed off about both! my daughter wants hers piercing and shes nearly 14 lots of her friends have had it done but I've said no I had my mine done as an adult and I just think its way too young. But your ex sounds a bit of a mare and a loose cannon. I wouldn't talk bad about her to your daughter but maybe say nextime anything like this happens she should call you first (your daughter) to run it by you as these things should be ran past both parents?

any good piercer will not body pierce under 16’s. Local authorities often set this as part of the licensing conditions as well so worth checking.

i know when I got a piercing there was a girl excitedly choosing her belly button ring. Piercer said nope, under 16, not doing it. When dc went to get a helix piercing they had to take ID to show they were over 16. It’s lobes only under that.

mine have a fair few piercings now as adults but agreement was ears only until 16. And that they use a proper tattoo/piercing place with the correct licensing in place.

eta reread and seen it’s been done already. I’d be tempted to check licensing and report if they’ve breached.

Body piercer and studio owner here. This is false. We can pierce under 16s with parental consent. The youngest we will pierce is 6 (ear lobes only).
Other piercings - cartilage, facial (eg, lip) from 14 with parental consent if under 17.
17, with ID, fine for anything (we don’t do intimate piercings).
Council licensing is more concerned with hygiene practice and consent gained, and, storing of personal / sensitive information (via consent forms) rather than “are you piercing under 16s with parental consent”.

That said, I don’t know any legitimate studios who would pierce a 12 year old’s naval, even with parental consent.

I think you should be more concerned about the alcohol than the piercing tbh. As long as she takes care of it properly it should be fine, and is hidden under clothes anyway. Though I get why you're annoyed. The drinking is far more immediate a concern and I'd be tempted to stop the overnights if I couldn't trust my ex not to allow it. I think what she had was too much and if your ex is drinking with her, it could creep up. Rather than worry about future tattoos and such, I think you need to address the problem in front of you first.

I had a German girl come on an exchange trip.
Her parents were v old and didn't really care what she did - my parents said if you want a drink, come with us to the pub. You ent going into Bristol on your own
She said she had never felt so loved and sheltered
Well. Sometimes children need the support and boundaries