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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

It's a split parent holiday one...

15 replies

GrapeSalad · 20/08/2024 15:37

Would I be unreasonable to not pack clothes/shoes/swimwear etc for my son to go on holiday with his dad?

Backstory - His dad took him on holiday a few years ago, made a big deal of texting and asking what he would need and telling me he'd bought our son new clothes for the holiday. At the time he was not giving me any money towards providing for our son.
Didn't tell me where he was taking him until the day before.
I only packed my son's comfort items and some stuff to keep him entertained on the journey thinking that'd be all he needed.
Resulted in him shouting at me on my doorstep and a morning of verbally abusive messages.

Last year he again took my son on holiday, this time telling me where they were going as soon as he asked about dates. This time his dad was giving me money pretty consistently. I packed a week's + worth of clothes and other bits he'd need.

Roll on this year, his dad has told me he is taking our son on holiday. Hasn't told me, or our son, where he is taking him. Hasn't given me any money for about a year.
Would I be unreasonable to not pack anything apart from maybe a few outfits?
I don't fancy doing all the dirty laundry again when he gets home, I don't feel like I should have to.
But I'm torn between thinking 'f* it why should i' and realising I'm probably being petty and stupid and I should just shut up and do it for my son.

So...? What do I do? And if you think I shouldn't be packing for the week for him how do I put this in to a text that doesn't result in abuse or emotional blackmail?

OP posts:
Reugny · 20/08/2024 15:38

As you don't know whether they are going somewhere hot or somewhere rainy I wouldn't pack anything.

CandiedPrincess · 20/08/2024 15:44

No not unreasonable. I pack when I take my kids away, my ex does it when he takes them away. Same goes witth my DH and the SC. If they need extra things for the holiday whoever is taking them buys that.

thismummydrinksgin · 20/08/2024 15:46

If he's not giving you money why would you send things you have bought? Leave him to it, you don't know where he's going or what to pack. F him.

AnotherDelphinium · 20/08/2024 15:46

A week before message ex “DS is looking forward to finding out his holiday and seeing all his new clothes and bits you’ve got for him! He’s had a bit of a growth spurt so not much is fitting him right now, but I’ll ensure he’s got toiletries, teddy’s, PJs and pants ready to go”

OhmygodDont · 20/08/2024 15:47

Nope surely his dad should have his own clothes for him anyway apart from his faves as such.

Jellycatspyjamas · 20/08/2024 15:52

If he’s the type to be abusive or blackmail you it doesn’t matter how you tell him, he’ll respond the way he does, so just tell him you expect he’ll plan and pack for the holiday.

GrapeSalad · 20/08/2024 20:02

Thank you.
All I know is the very rough area so I know the type of weather, but still had the attitude of 'why should I, he should have his own clothes'. It's good to hear I'm not alone in thinking that.

OP posts:
GrapeSalad · 20/08/2024 20:03

Jellycatspyjamas · 20/08/2024 15:52

If he’s the type to be abusive or blackmail you it doesn’t matter how you tell him, he’ll respond the way he does, so just tell him you expect he’ll plan and pack for the holiday.

Great point, sometimes it's good to hear it pointed out so bluntly

OP posts:
quickturtle · 20/08/2024 20:06

He should be sorting it or asking you nicely if you could pack a swimming costume and maybe some of his outfits. If he only usually has him for 2 nights say then he may not have a week's worth of clothes. The best thing to do is to just be sensible about it. There's no point you BOTH buying a swimming costume. However I appreciate he is a dick.

ThePassageOfTime · 20/08/2024 20:06

I dunno. As a kid whose dad wouldn't buy me tights for his brothers wedding I'd have been screwed if my mum hadn't stepped up and sent me with clothes!!

Pack for your son, don't let Ex hurt him in this way

quickturtle · 20/08/2024 20:07

Also there's your child to think about here

NuffSaidSam · 20/08/2024 20:09

I'd speak to your ex first, ask where they're going/what he needs to bring and provide that.

You have to put the child first no matter how shit his dad is, after all it was you who chose his Dad, not him.

Clarinet1 · 20/08/2024 20:14

I think it boils down to what is nicest for DS. Do you want him not to have enough things to wear? Do you want him to have to put up with your Ex moaning about how unhelpful you are and how much money he’s having to spend? Or do you want him to feel comfortable and reassured that everything is there that he needs? When
you’re a child away from your mum there’s something sweet about unpacking the things that Mum has got ready for you with that special “mum” magic touch!

MoosakaWithFries · 20/08/2024 20:18

Absolutely no way would I send my DS with anything (unless he had particular clothes/items that he wanted to take).

Do you ask your ex to provide items when you go away? I bet that's a no.

You start stuff like this and the expectation will continue.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 20/08/2024 20:34

ThePassageOfTime · 20/08/2024 20:06

I dunno. As a kid whose dad wouldn't buy me tights for his brothers wedding I'd have been screwed if my mum hadn't stepped up and sent me with clothes!!

Pack for your son, don't let Ex hurt him in this way

I agree with this. It’s your son who suffers more than your ex when he has nothing to wear.

Your ex sounds like a shit, but you just have to put pride aside sometimes to save your son from humiliation.

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