Feel a bit let down by my mum - newborn

[SweetKiwi]

I had my baby girl in June. My mum has been extremely excited about the new arrival since I was pregnant (and before). I am thrilled she is so happy for us and was grateful for her offers of help and unlimited childcare. Although, I have to say I have always tried to contain her excitement and expectations. My father died a few years ago (tricky situation, parents were in midst of divorce) and I think the baby is a happy relief and new chapter. I was previously pretty close to my mum but my baby has changed everything.

Baby arrived - shock unplanned home birth- and was in nicu. My mum was supportive but it quickly escalated into her being extremely over protective and becoming about her and how involved she could be.

We had some discussion about how much help we'd like ...she would've moved in if she could. We made it clear we'd love help but also want time for us and a balance. As the baby came so unexpectedly soon and then wasn't home right away, perhaps communication could've been clearer and emotions ran high.

When she was here, she completely tried to take over and wanted to 'teach' us how to do everything her way. If she disagreed with our way, she made it quite clear but in a passive aggressive way. I felt really let down. We were also very stressed about our unwell baby. I have developed PPD and OCD. My mum is terrible at talking about this - always trying to minimise it. I've given up sharing how I am with her.

Fast forward to now and after some uncomfortable discussion, she still helps but within our boundaries. She is trying very hard to step back and relax. I am finding previous the gentle pressure for her to be involved tough and hard to move on from. I can't relax around her. My aunt is so different with my cousin's baby and I envy the grandma/mum/baby relationship they have. Maybe I'm chasing something that just isn't going to happen for us.

Yeah I don't think you're gonna get what you're chasing, because your Aunt knows her boundaries and respects them. Your Mum doesn't sound like she knows how to. I think the best you can do is just keep doing what you're doing and keep those boundaries in place.

Hopefully one day your Mum will see that this is now your turn. 💐

I think you forger that you are still your mum's baby. You went through a traumatic experience and she is probably struggling with her emotions around it just as much as you do about your baby being unwell. She just has a different way of dealing with it which is currently not helpful to you. So maybe stepping into her shoes will help with your anxiety. Especially since she stepped back behind the boundary you set.

Agreed, both you and your mom have reacted with stress to the situation. Sounds like you are alike but your stress reaction is different.

Would your Aunt talk to your mum for you?

I don’t really have any answers but I just wanted to send you some love. I had terrible PND and I too found the new baby changed my relationship dynamic with my mum massively. We always had an amazing relationship - she really was my best friend - but post baby my mum was so intensely focused on baby she was incredibly stressful to be around. I don’t have an answer sadly and my relationship with my mum has suffered for it. My daughter on the other hand has a wonderful relationship with her grandparents and so I try my best to enforce boundaries (which are not respected) to protect my own mental health so they get to see one another. I do feel sad sometimes and miss my mum a lot. I think for some grandparents they just channel back into the parent sentiment rather than recognising this is different and focusing on grandparent role. I was overwhelmed when I had PND but it has become a little easier since that has lifted. It took 2 years though so please do just stick with it.

I can relate to the aggravation of "being taught". My parents are currently staying with us after our baby was born 4 weeks ago.

I'm all for helpful pointers, but my mum treats us as if we are complete idiots, saying the insultingly obvious basic advice as if we weren't following it already. And then having such a black and white view of her way or it's wrong. This is despite us coping fine without any external help for the first month.

We are responsible people, very independent since leaving home at 17, and I hate feeling so undermined in my own home.

Sorry to rant, I have no answers, but do empathise with how tough it can be navigating a new chapter with mums. With your traumatic birth, I can only imagine how much more complex everything feels- well done for setting boundaries though, sounds as if you are doing an amazing job.