To expect more from my age gap partner

[Kiwibuffy]

Hi, I'd love some advice on this situation as I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much. Sorry for length!

Background:
I've (32f) lived with my bf (52m) and his mum (87F) almost 3 years now. We have been together for 5 years.

His mum, sadly, has mid stage dementia. We are waiting on social service help and his sister has recently started helping more since I briefly moved out at the beginning of the year.

I moved in party due to rent increase and partly due to mental health issues.

BF and I met at work, he still works there, I've since moved jobs. I asked him out when I left that role. He told no one in that job that he had a girlfriend, until i forced him to tell his best friend at work last year. He still doesn't mention me at work "I will say I went for a walk with a woman" and has said "ok iill name you and they'll all talk about you" when I've brought this up.

AIBU to expect him admit to having a 5 year relationship, almost 3 of those years having a live in GF who helps care for his ill, elderly mother?

Helping his mum has improved my mood, he does a lot for me 'acts of service' wise. I am not close to my family at all due to violence. I do have 3 very close friends for support.

When I first moved in I was in the middle of a break from reality. This continued and Id often 'hear' him talking to other people. I recorded him a few times.

One Saturday I was due to meet friends but it was changed to a Sunday, I didn't let him know this. We had the day free from caring for his mum but he spent the day in bed tired. I recorded him that day and have a recording of him whispering "one more day x5..." "you've no idea" "remember when?...and we did anyway...well yeah, youve been warned" "be very good to yourself the whole day" and other things like that.

A week later his sister came over and said "you know when you think something is a sat but it's a sun" and looked at him.

I confronted him about this a week later and he said he didn't make a phone call. After hearing the recording he said he didn't remember having a phone call and wouldn't know why he would be whispering but he wouldn't be calling anyone. He said he forgets and thats all there is to be said on it.

I also walked in on him on a call saying "I love you more" then heard "did (my name just walk in)" from other side and he said yes and they continued a normal conversation about their mum. (They are both adopted from different families)

I confronted him about this and he had a shower, left his phone out whilst in the shower and came back out to show me the call log was from his sister and obviously I misheard something.

These are things I think I am willing to draw a line under.

I have asked for more physical affection and intimacy since the beginning of the relationship. We've always sat on septetate chairs or me on a bean bag and have had very little physical interaction. I've asked multiple times for more compliments as he will only say I look "well" or "good".

He states he says that because he's 52 and so wouldn't be saying anything else. Is this true of other 52 year old men?

He was alone for 15 years before me due to an abusive relationship but I know he showed and stated more affection in past relationships than he does with this one.

My body shape is not his preference but he will not admit this despite how open sexually I am. He's not mine either but I go more on vibes with people and would never make comments to make anyone feel less than of i did have particular preferences (unless as a joke but backed up with compliments)

We don't spend much time doing different activities together. He once told me he doesn't like to 'plan in advance' when asking about what to do on our next MiL free day. We used to forage a lot but recently when given the opportunity to go to a foraging event he said "I'd rather do the garden, I don't like walking about looking at things to eat". I've asked for more physical affection and again "I don't like".

Ive spent so much of this relationship fitting into his lifestyle and he hasnt tried to do the same for me.

I wrote him a letter recently and in it discussed how we hadn't had sex in over a year. He stated "sex is the furthest thing from my mind right now". When he was next on his laptip his previous tabs showed multiple porn sites. He apologised for lying and said it should be left at that because he didn't get "excited" and because I didn't pay a month's rent (v little amount of rent here, i was planning on moving out after the recording) awhile ago and he took my apology and didn't mention it again. I paid the money back but realised he was hurt due to previous relationships messing him up moneywise

He did recently suggest buying a sofa so we could hold hands sitting together sometimes at night (instead of across from each other) again this is something he's said no to before but feels/has basically lost me so is now trying.

I am currently off work ill and will be going half pay soon. I really need to work on my mental health and on paper this seems like a good environment but I feel I might have been deteriorating a little whilst I've been here (not all due to our relationship).

Rent is crazy at the moment, and I have got myself in debt/defaults due to stupid things over the past 2 years, so will find it hard to rent/buy for awhile.

Am I being unreasonable to expect more from him? I am being unreasonable to expect a 52 year old man to call me pretty at the very least?

I understand he is going through a lot. I do help a lot and try to help him. I do understand than most relationships are about companionship and we do get along well.

Any comments, questions, suggestions, advice etc welcome!

Tia!

Why are you wasting your life with this man?

Move out and move on. You have so many happy years ahead of you.

From reading, I think you're just friends really maybe less as he doesn't even acknowledge you to others. Could you both discuss and perhaps commit to being just friends and seeking other relationships as it seems, atm, you are both stuck?

I wouldn't say his age is a factor, you can show affection to someone at 22 or 52.

Read your post back again. Pretend you are reading it for the first time. Also, sometimes writing things down makes things seem a little clearer. I hope you are able to see this. This is not a normal loving sounding relationship. You are worth more than this @Kiwibuffy

Were you implying he has romantic feelings for his adopted sister?

Just stating what I heard and what was shown to me on his phone (the call had been to his sister) regarding walking in on a phone call, overhearing what I did and the quick shift in mood when "did (my name) just come in".

I’m confused about that too? And this ‘break from reality’, OP what help did you get for this? It sounds like you were seriously mentally ill, does your GP know about your issues?

I agree with PP I’m not sure if you actually are in a relationship? It sounds like you are a free carer for his mum and he wants rent from you.

You deserve so much better than this man.

You are too young to be doing this. You are being set up to caring for his mother and him.

I know it's very hard for you but this is really upsetting. Could you share a flat with your friends?

Yes, by the time I went to be checked by CMHT I was in a better place, so they said I must have been able to somehow get out of that dark place. Which I had been able to! Due to work stress and other things being brought up again - I feel like I'm just chucking everything I'm unhappy with out of the pram even though I'm not sure that's the best thing for me.

I'm seeing my GP and a therapist at the moment.

I do realise that he's not going to change at this point and that "being" with him isn't going to make me happy really. No matter how much I love his mum and enjoy his company at times.

Sorry, I don't understand why you live like this at only 32 yo.
I'm 45 and wouldn't have it.

Kiwi, well it's great that you got out of the dark place. And now, it seems, that you are starting to question your future. Give it time and thought, but not too much, and maybe you will realise where you prefer to be, both physically and mentally.

Personally, I don't think he's the right guy for you but hopefully you have the mental strength to work things out.

Do you have somewhere you could go if you split?

He gets: an unpaid carer for his mother
You get: cheap accommodation

This is what it boils down to in my opinion.

Remember this: you are there because you want to be there.

I would finish with him. He is treating you badly. He won't acknowledge that your a couple. He won't have sex with you. He is 52 and his mother has cognitive decline. They are waiting for a diagnosis. He wants you there to enable his mother to stay at home. If she goes into a nursing home and owns her house it will have to be sold to pay for her care in time.

If his mother has altizmers ect it will just get worse in time. One of my friends cared for their mother for a few years with this and she then had to go into a home. I would describe it as minding a adult sized toddler. She wake up at 4 or 5 each morning and want to go X or y.
Their were so many stories that my friend told me but it got to a stage that she was physically and mentally exhausted dealing with her mother. She needed to be in a care home.

I would start to look for a house share and see what help you can get if your working PT via universal credit. I know that some men get involved with woman years younger than them because women of their own age won't accept him treating her badly, his drinking, lack of job or money or can spot the red flags early on.
I would also do the freedom program so going forward you can get into a better relationship.
Your young and you deserve far better than him.

I would finish with him. He is treating you badly. He won't acknowledge that your a couple. He won't have sex with you. He is 52 and his mother has cognitive decline. They are waiting for a diagnosis. He wants you there to enable his mother to stay at home. If she goes into a nursing home and owns her house it will have to be sold to pay for her care in time.

If his mother has altizmers ect it will just get worse in time. One of my friends cared for their mother for a few years with this and she then had to go into a home. I would describe it as minding a adult sized toddler. She wake up at 4 or 5 each morning and want to go X or y.
Their were so many stories that my friend told me but it got to a stage that she was physically and mentally exhausted dealing with her mother. She needed to be in a care home.

I would start to look for a house share and see what help you can get if your working PT via universal credit. I know that some men get involved with woman years younger than them because women of their own age won't accept him treating her badly, his drinking, lack of job or money or can spot the red flags early on.
I would also do the freedom program so going forward you can get into a better relationship.
Your young and you deserve far better than him.

To answer one of your questions. No, it's not his age. There's no reason why a 52 year old can't show physical affection or intimacy.

You're too young for a sexless relationship and to be a carer for someone's mum.

Its not normal, right or necessary for a 32 year old woman to be begging for crumbs of affection from a 52 year old man who she had to ask out, who appears to be ashamed of her, doesn't want sex with her, and treats as an unpaid carer. You need to work with your therapist on why you are prepared to settle for so little. At your age you could be with a young man who is proud to be with you, is attracted to you and wants affection and sex with you. Or in the absence of that, living a free independent life on your own. Please stop wasting your precious life.

I can’t see a single good thing about this relationship. You can’t stay with someone because you like their mum.
If you enjoy care work go and be a carer and be paid for it.
Get out and keep going with the therapy and don’t get in another relationship until you have processed why this has happened

Can other people hear the words you hear on the recordings without prompting?

I don’t think this really sounds like a romantic relationship, but more than you are both just using each other for your own individual benefits.

He gets your company and someone to help care for his mother in her old age & him when he gets older, you get a very cheap/free place to live while going through trauma etc. It doesn’t sound like you are in the right place to be truly involved in a romantic relationship at the moment anyway, you need to focus on yourself, and I think you know that deep down but are staying because as you say your financial situation means you can’t rent or buy somewhere else to live at the moment.

This so so messed up OP. Leave him and go work on yourself. He’s not good for you, this situation isn’t good for you.

By 'break from reality' do you mean an episode of psychosis? If so, it would make sense that you've taken refuge in what felt like a safe, comforting home like environment. But as you have healed, you are looking for something this environment and the people in it simply can't offer, which is an adult, sexual relationship. You will have to find this elsewhere.

Seeing it like this though might help you plan next steps and a conversation with your partner, that this relationship is no longer meeting your needs. I wonder though if it has to be a clean break or, if you are fond of him and his mum, perhaps there might be an acknowledgement that it was a good arrangement for you all at a certain point, you've outgrown it now, but you'd still like to stay in touch and pop round. It depends on their personalities and capacity to accept what you are saying. But my sense is you don't have much of a support system around you, and if, as you move on, you can keep on touch helpfully, it might be something to consider.

Thank you so much everyone for your support and advice. I have a lot to think about.

Thank you. You're right, I don't have much of a support system around me. I think thats why I'm so worried about leaving, alongside my mental health right now and job/money issues.

Yes, even he admitted he could hear a lot of the phrases I quoted in the recording. He can't remember what the phonecall was, why it was whispered or what it could be about though. I know I shouldn't have recorded it, I was trying to convince myself I wasn't hearing things.

OP - he’s trying to gas light you, this really isn’t a great environment for you to be in, in fact you’re really vulnerable. It appeared safe before, but it’s shelter and I know that’s important but is there anywhere else you could go? Do you have children?