For refusing to put an offer on a 'dream' home

[Megank1989]

We currently rent and a house came up for sale on the street over. We LOVE our area and have always intended to buy here once we have a reasonable deposit (about 10k off).

He convinced me to go see it and, it is everything we'd need. Due to being a HMO previously it's a good 50k cheaper then it has rights to be with two converted rooms in the basement that could be used for office/gym/guest space plus two massive upstairs bedrooms and a kitchen with the counter space we really need. It's on the market at our absolute limit (due to the LISA) so would likely be outbid anyway but still.

The issue for me is I simply do not feel equipt to deal with this process right now. I'm 7 months pregnant with our first DC and it's been a really difficult time:

• She was conceived via IVF after 3 years of infertility so since Dec last year I've been on hormones/been jabbing myself with needles/been pregnant
• 1st trimester he was travelling a lot so I had to deal with some pretty miserably symptoms on my own
• 2nd trimester he was keeping himself off the ledge of a breakdown due to a horrible work environment (ongoing)
• 3rd trimester and it looks like I'm going to get diagnosed with SPD so managing pain whilst trying to work out if my birth plan is worth the paper it's written on

I would say that putting in an offer in the circumstances is a far better investment in your future wellbeing and the wellbeing of your baby, than putting too much thought into a birth plan.

I was in a really similar situation. My partner forced the house purchase. We got the keys days before the birth. Very very stressful but in hindsight I'm glad we did it. I just couldn't cope with it whilst pregnant. Let your partner deal with it all and keep out of it.

As long as your DP has the headspace to deal with it then I'd let him get on with it. Moving with a newborn isn't ideal but in a way it's easier than moving with a mobile toddler, so you'd be waiting years for a perfect time.

Just go for it, don't bother with the birth plan, good luck!

What's the real problem? That you think DH will have a breakdown trying to fix it up while you have a breakdown doing solo newborn care? That you want the first few months to concentrate on the baby? Sometimes it can be a case of right place wrong time. But you need to work out what the problem is x

There's never a perfect time to do anything.

In 6 months, 1year, 3 years, 5 years etc there'll always be something that is a challenge.

Newborn, toddler stage, school applications, in a school.

Just offer what you can and go with the flow and if it doesn't work out you won't always be wondering "what if"

I do agree with everyone saying the birth plan will probably go out of the window because they almost always do. And noone professional usually tells you to expect it so you go into labour expecting abc and get xyz instead and come out a of it all shocked.

But it sounds like this is an emotional thing for you, like you've waited 3 years for this baby and want to focus on that instead of a taxing renovation. Have that conversation x

It'll take a while to buy the house anyway, so you may as well give it a shot!

Agree with PP’s - can you hand this over to your DH whilst you focus on you and the pregnancy?

I think definitely make an offer because finances are often a lot more difficult after a baby, because of maternity leave and then because of nursery fees/one parent giving up work/working less.

The most you can ever borrow is now, after the baby comes you will have either less earnings to borrow against or regular large expenses you don't have now - or both!

I wish I had been able to move during pregnancy as now nursery fees make it a no go for a few years as we just can't borrow enough.

Thanks everyone for your experience. I suppose, on top of this, I just don't see how this could logistically work:

• We have an informal Mortgage in principle but not for the amount the house is on sale for
• The last 10k would need to come from his parents. We said we'd never take money from them for our house as it would come with strings but honestly, this is low down on my list of concerns as, at this point, we'd have managed 75% on our own so more of a gift than the leg up we couldn't do without
• Our rental agreement is until April and this house has no chain - how soon would be be expected to move in?
• We've just put a lot of time, effort and money into make her a lovely nursery (landlords are very chill about decorating and usually very effusive in their praise of our colour choices)

Basically, after a stressful pregnancy that is already making me worried about her brain development and the risks of her now being predisposed to poor mental health, I just want to have some months of calm. To bring her home somewhere familiar, clean and how we like it. And for DH not to be pulled away on house logistics when it already feels like I've basically gone it alone these past 7 months.

I sense that this is his version of nesting - wanting to provide us with a stable home and I totally get that. But, from what everyone is saying, it's not going to get easier. I'm just feeling quite fragile after a very difficult year.

I feel sympathetic to the idea that this feels like a lot, but agree with everyone else. Give the job to your husband, and work as a team with you concentrating on the baby and him taking the lead on the house. Having moved house repeatedly with babies and with husband working away, I can understand it feels like a lot but there's no reason you don't be fine and realistically postponing this will only make it harder.

You live in a rental, your landlord can evict you if your neighbours complain about a crying baby.

You dont have to offer the asking price initially if it's 10k over budget.

While a house sale can proceed quickly you need to get a survey done. That may show it's not as ideal as it looks. The process normally takes 3 months or longer.

Can understand why this is stressful for you but is there anyone else who could help - where are your parents? His parents will have done this before, get them to look it over for you.

It doesn't sound like this is the right time for you. But... if you don't do it now it may be many years because of the expensive childcare years.

It took us 6 1/2 years to have our dc2 (lots of ivf, surgeries, 4 miscarriages) and I had an awful pregnancy. We were living in the upstairs of our house with the whole downstairs dug up and open to the winter elements for an extension. Then when she was born and still the same - I did months of breastfeeding in a dining chair in what was our bedroom but was now a storage room and temp kitchen. She also only ever slept on me and was very unhappy for the first 4 months of her life so cooking family meals (we have an 8 year old too) on my 2 ring electric hob with no worktop was stressful! We don't have family help. I'm a resilient person by nature but it was so very tough. Baby is 10 months now and we ran out of money a while ago so can't use the garden and still have stuff everywhere and spending the evenings trying to do diy jobs. It has a huge impact on family life. Just trying to show you a bit of the reality of it all.

If you're a breezy doesn't get stressed by anything person and get the luck of an "easy baby" and have an endless pot of money for refurb, then go for it. Otherwise wait until the time is right, but accepting that might be a long way off.

If you can move in and just use the house as it is for a few years, then I'd go for it.

In terms of timescales, well how long is a piece of string? There are so many variables in buying a house, solicitors, surveys, mortgage companies etc. No chain is helpful but doesn't guarantee a quick sale. April is a long time though, how is the rent and your finances? Can you afford a few months of rent plus mortgage? Is that trade off worth it for how perfect the house is? Completion with some tenancy left might work in your favour if it needs disruptive work.

I hate to burst bubbles, but a nursery isn't even used for at least 6 months anyway. It sounds like small fry compared to how good this house could be.

On paper, it looks like an example of carpe diem (hope that's correct for those proficient in Latin!) but humans don't operate on paper. Only you can decide whether you and your family have the bandwidth and can decide what works for you, and whether the sums add up. All I can council is that the move itself. theoretically, sounds like about as good as it will get for you, just across the road, overlapping tenancy, babe in arms 85% asleep rather than the mad little warthog-esque toddler you'll eventually have.

Offer - what’s the worst that could happen??

I absolutely understand how you feel OP, having gone through a massive house renovation myself while heavily pregnant with a high-risk pregnancy requiring a lot of intervention and monitoring. It was profoundly stressful and I worried a lot about the effect on the baby.

However, with hindsight I am so glad we went through it. It was incredibly hard but I can see how much harder it would have been to cope with once our baby was born. We simply wouldn’t have had the energy or finances to get it done. And I’m so grateful to my past self for going through all that stress and difficulty, because it bought us financial security and safety for our baby and really set us up in a way that wouldn’t have happened without it.

This sounds to me to be too good an opportunity to pass by. It will be hard, but you can do hard things. Once you’re through it, you will be so grateful to look back at the work you did to invest in your future security.

OP, if you can get the rest of the deposit and an appropriately-sized mortgage, you’d be crazy not to at least try. Bluntly, you don’t own the lovely nursery, and while the owners may be chilled about you decorating (why wouldn’t they be? You’re improving their property!), they can terminate your tenancy at will should their circumstances change, or raise the rent to a point where you can no longer save.

I absolutely get your desire for calm and familiarity, but pregnancy doesn’t make the world stop or slow down to suit us. As I said up the thread, I spent my pregnancy in another country to DH, sick as a dog, with SPD, commuting weekly by air, one of us having to fly in to sign flat purchase paperwork, him flying in for scans etc, and then he was made redundant very suddenly when DS was only a couple of months old, and the only available job was so far away DS and I barely saw him, so we moved again when DS was seven months old, and I changed jobs to something more local. It wasn’t ideal, but that’s life.

You're having a baby, there isn't going to be a good time to move or buy or do anything big for the next 18 years, there will always be something going on.

It's one of those bull by the horns moments. Buying a house is a lengthy bloody process anyway, we offered on ours in September and didn't move in until March so April isn't as far away as it feels now.

I think you'd be mad to pass up on a dream house in your perfect area - finding one of those is like trying to find a fart in a jacuzzi.

What stands out to me in your post is your husband's horrible ongoing work environment and potential breakdown.

Firstly, I wouldn't add a house move to that on top of a new baby. Secondly, it sounds possible he might have to walk away from his job (?) and that may mean a dip in income and as you say you can barely afford the dream house as it is.

Why put all that stress on yourself unless your current property is causing you stress?

Ah, I've just seen you are currently in a rental that changes things somewhat. Are there really no other properties to buy that won't stretch you so badly financially and would suit your needs?

@Megank1989

oh you poor thing, it's been a horrible year for you. I can totally understand why you want to stay in your current home xx

of course you can just stay put & be comfortable. It'll be much nicer!

However, I think in the long run you'll regret it.

How many houses have sold where you want to be in the last 5 years? How many of them would you want to buy if you could & how many of those could you afford at todays prices?

How habitable (not pretty, just habitable) is this new place? How much money would you have in the first year to make the main living area & your bedroom/bathroom nice enough for you to be comfortable?

People are right when they say as far as getting a mortgage sorted, now is the best time you'll have for a few years (especially if you use a broker!!) & it might be a long, long time before you can get the mortgage you need to buy a house you want.

i know it seems like 'too much' right now, but as hard as it is to hear, it's the best it's going to get for a good while.

you definitely need DH to agree to a few things though. He needs to take on the offer/purchase, you need to agree what needs doing immediately & what can take a backseat and his focus is on you & your baby, not doing jobs for x time etc.

clearly I think you should put in an offer for what you can afford & let the cards play themselves out

take care of yourself.

oh by the way, please stop worrying about your baby, it's tucked up inside you oblivious to the world around you. Look at babies that are born in war torn countries, to mothers who are very unwell & mothers going through dreadful DV etc. your baby won't be suffering mentally x

If you can only afford 75% of the deposit on your own I really don’t see how you can afford a house that needs work.

@Megank1989

read this post again xx

@BeSpoonyAquaHare

being kind/thinking of your future self is a good trait. It's sounds wanky, but is something I'm working on, but nothing as big as what you both did!

It doesn't sound like it's all that likely to happen.

So on that basis I would offer. I think it will cause you issues in future not to because your husband will compare any other house to this and 'what you could have had'.

Just do it to avoid this hanging over you. If you do somehow get it for your max well then I'd take it as a sign it was meant to be.

Your reasoning for not is valid but as people have pointed out, there are lots of reasons why timing will get worse.

Emotionally it will be a lot easier to deal with when you don't really want it. So be very business like. This is our max and if it comes off great and if it doesn't we can move on. But if you don't offer and find out, your husband will never properly move on.