New account as when ex finds out he'll go ballistic.
We've been separated over 10 years. He was abusive (very) and left me for someone else while I was pregnant. We have 2 DCs. At the time he emptied our account. I had left my job to bring them up. He took my voluntary redundancy pay and all my savings. I had no job and lost my house. I had no real support from friends and family after being alienated from them as he's one of those people who everyone seems to be against (in his head).
Some of the things he did to me were recorded such as the police taking me and DC to safety a few times and also a refuge offering me a place a couple of times but I never felt worthy of taking it. I was very vulnerable and he started harassing me...
Including but not only - calling social services on me every 5 minutes to thr point where they recorded it as malicious, going to DCs nursery to make comments about my parenting which is noted by them to be malicious, calling up places I went with our children like soft play centres and telling them to watch me like a hawk because I'm abusive. I only found out after the staff started following me into the ball pit and he made a joke about it. He thought it was funny. He ground me down to the point where my life was in tatters.
I applied for a non molestation order and ended up (due to my rubbish solicitor) only coming away with a prohibited steps but I also had to agree not to harass HIM! This was because he came to court saying that I had been calling him over 100 times a night. This was simply not true. I asked how can I tell the judge I haven't, and my solicitor said that I don't get to argue in court, only come to a mutual agreement and that he can say that but proving his document is a forgery is a lengthy process. She said it would be better to not admit fault but agree not to harass him so that he also has to sign the agreement to leave me alone. He made a complete mockery out of the whole thing I felt like nobody believed me.
I wasn't actually notified of the child arrangements hearing having moved because I lost the house. The consent order was granted naming him as the resident parent but stating he must ensure they spend at least 3 nights with me. The papers were updated to state I was not notof8ed of the hearing but says that as no injunction was in place that we have to attend mediation to change the order.
The thing is this man has been an utter bellend to deal with for a decade. He is still horrible and abusive towards me for having any opinion regarding our children. He has openly admitted to me and our DCs that he "didn't want kids" and just wanted the child benefit so he can work part time and still pay rent. They have always been with me at least 50% of the time if not more, and I pay for literally everything for them. I have receipts going back years that show he doesn't pay for school dinners, uniforms etc.
He shouts at me and gets nasty when I disagree with him. It's like I've shut down and just tread on eggshells constantly whenever I have to speak to him. But he IS wrong sometimes and I never know what to do. For example frequently not sending them to school because he's slept in. Their attendance is around 70%. The school have agreed not to fine me more than once as they know that it isn't me. He lies and says they're ill. His house is a tip. He took our DCs phone away because she sent photos of the rubbish all over the place and sent them to a friend as well as messages saying "help" when he was horrible to her. He was leaving DC9 on her own at night to walk to his girlfriend's house 1.5 miles away and I only knew because she rang me crying at 2am. I asked him not to leave her alone at night as if she's scared she's not old enough and he went ballistic and personally attacked me over my parenting. If they ever tell me anything concerning then they're liars. He insults their appearances and personalities in the same way he did to me but he's delusional about how he acts.
Recently they've both been crying and refusing to go back there. Youngest has thrown up a couple of times. She's been saying he's making her clean up constantly. For 3 months... she has said he is making her tidy her room every day. I've asked how untidy it is that she has to tidy it all day every day and she said there's boxes of toys and books from when she was a toddler (she's 10 now) that he was meaning to get rid of. I've suggested to him that she needs help organising things and he says "no she's just lazy" then punished her for telling me. She keeps saying that "daddy hates me" and I have to explain that isn't the case. Since she was about 4yrs old she was shouting "hide" when he knocked on the door. I have tried to ignore how much they don't like going to his house as it's in their best interest to spend time with him apparently.
Things came to a head on the weekend. He doesn't, by his own admission, take them to places very often. DC12 had arranged for her friend to stay over at mine but it was "his" weekend. He said it was fine. Then changed his mind while her friend was already here and said he would pick her up in the morning as his girlfriend wanted to spend time with DCs. I only saw this after waking up. I said that might be awkward as her friend is still here until teatime. He replied saying "you're taking the piss and he shouldn't have agreed to the sleepover, or something like that. He's never had an issue with them spending extra time at mine before. I said I would get them ready.
When I told DC she got really upset and made the following remarks:
"Bro can't afford to pay towards my haircut but he can spend £90 on tickets to impress his girlfriend"
"I'm not going and if he makes me go then I'll get my keys and just come back"
"I'm sick of him making comments about my appearance and I hate him anyway. Why does he want to take his fat, spotty, scruffy kid out for the day? To impress that's why"
"Mum do not let him take me from this house. Will you get in trouble? Because I haven't wanted to go back for ages and now he's literally given me an excuse"
... and so on.
Part of me feels it was a tantrum because her friend was here but then his reaction made me concerned. I messaged and said she said she doesn't want to go. Immediately he called DC and said horrible things to her and started screaming down the phone. I was not upstairs nor aware at the time but her friends don't like him (I'll explain below) and the friend who was over recorded him shouting at DC. After the call she burst into tears again and said that all he ever does is shout or abandon them when they're at his and he says all the time that he doesn't want kids and that we soon as they're 18 he's moving abroad (he's said this to me as well). She said that when he calmed down she said "love you" and he told her to piss off and out the phone down. She went pale and went to the bathroom to throw up. It was really embarrassing in front of her friend who was saying she doesn't know what to do when people cry but she recorded the call after the the last "angry dad incident". I asked what she meant and she said that a few months ago herself and DC went to his house after school to use the toilet and he went "mental" because there were plates of rotten food and rubbish everywhere and he said DC had done it on purpose to embarrass him. I don't want to get this child involved in a domestic so I brushed it off and didn't ask for the video.
He turned up anyway to get her and I get him in to speak to her, which I now feel was a betrayal of her trust as she only felt emboldened to stick up for herself if she had some kind of protection. He took her and left her friend at ours. She came downstairs with her period tracker open and crying saying she doesn't know why he's saying that because its not her totm. She said he blamed everything on her period and doesn't listen. While he went to the car she begged me to "do something" and said "don't worry about me, if he "gets me" about this I'll come to yours with [DC10]". I said we would talk when her friend's at home.
Before he did come to collect her he called me and the first words out of his mouth were "so let's get this recorded, you're saying you're refusing to allow me access to my kid, that's what you're saying, right?" I feel like he was already getting ready to fight me over this because I kept saying that it was DCs choice and she's old enough to decide where she wants to stay. He kept saying she can't decide for herself and is hormonal so whatever she says is irrelevant.
I've just had enough and I think they are old enough to decide. So I've applied to have the order changed. The thing is, I can't go to mediation with him, he's horrible to me and speaks to me like dirt. So in order to bypass the meeting about mediation I've had to explain all the previous abuse and concerns for their welfare like the mess in his house. I feel like this was underhand of me somewhat. I don't talk badly about people behind their backs or report people anonymously for things. I try to be honest but kind. He does have nice qualities and can be reasonable but only when he's getting his own way. I've had to put all the nasty stuff he did to me and continues to do and I just realised he will get a copy of the form and a chance to refute it... which is fair obviously. But it just hit home what it will be like reading that about himself and I'm scared of his reaction.
Things have been civil for a while but only because I have been bowing down to him and just agreeing even when I knew he was wrong. I guess I will seem devious and this will irreparably harm any future hopes of him being civil towards me, but I don't deserve to be shouted at over a difference of opinion and neither do our children!
I've asked for them to live with me and for them to spend time with their dad every other weekend and for him to address his anger and agree not to harass me over the application.
I feel sick because they're with him for a week now and he will get the paperwork before he's meant to bring them back. It came out on Saturday that he's been saying horrible things about me to our children. I told DC that I'd let her dad know she'd been sick and she said "he won't believe you, he said you made it up that DC10 was sick last time because you're mentally unwell and like the attention". So goodness knows what he's going to say when he reads I've told the court about the historical sexual abuse and coercion. He's not going to like it at all. I'm sort of terrified.
Thanks for reading my 1am thoughts. I think I just need someone to tell me I'm going the right thing because self doubt has always been my downfall.