Overreacting to FILs behaviour

[sadmummy123456]

FIL generally has quite an abrasive personality. Makes regular negative comments about both his daughter’s struggles with their mental health. Complains when anyone calls him out on his negative behaviour that he is misunderstood. He does have very redeeming traits, can be very warm and kind.

We have visited in laws this weekend, DH, DS (10
months) and myself. On the first day, FIL was keen to hold DS. Sat him on the kitchen worktop (he was stood in front) and handed him a glass to play with. On the second day, DS was tired and went to sleep earlier than bedtime - FIL complaining how he will
manage with life at his age given he is already so tired. Finally, on the last day, tried multiple times to give LO a ferror rocher - we explained multiple times choking risk, and that he is not allowed chocolate. He was blowing this off repeatedly offering. Offering DS his phone to watch Tom and Terry (we offer no screens normally!) even though he was content enjoying outdoors with rest of the family and gave him his ring to play with, only took this when he found DS trying to put it in his mouth. To top it off, he’s sending pictures of little one sat on his car roof.

We have been doing BLW, and FIL always voices his dissatisfaction about this. Previously when DS was eating he accused DH and I of being cruel parents with a very raised voice, which obviously also my DS cry and is not an environment conducive to eating.

I’m finding this increasingly difficult to navigate and stay calm in these situations. I feel like no matter what boundary we put in place it is not respected. I’m not sure if I’m being overzealous but some of these behaviours are clearly unnecessarily risky and I’m not sure why he seems to enjoy them so much, given DS could come to harm.

Don't ever let him have your child unsupervised. He is treating your DS like a toy.

Do you need to see them much? He sounds pretty unpleasant but it’ll probably get easier as your son gets older.
My FIL used to be very opinionated about our sons when they were small but he’s mellowed now they’re older and they’re their own people with their own opinions on things!
When mine were younger he would NEVER loop the pram strap through his wrist (a baby had died in the city I lived in at that time as the pram had rolled into a lake so I was very clear that he should use the strap) so I never let him push the pram with a breezy (no it’s fine, I know you don’t like using the strap so ill push him).
They would also take him off and never come back at the time we arranged, and never answer the phone. I knew DS was probably fine but it was mainly tedious hanging around waiting. So again, I stopped it with a “no it’s ok, I don’t want to have to wait around so we’ll all go together”

Once DS got to 3 he would always give him books and toys for older kids and was amazed that we weren’t trying to teach him to read with ladybird books. We read to him loads but I figured he would learn at his own pace.

The kids stayed with them once and we left an IPad which they didn’t have often at home (but we figured might be nice for some down time as they were full on and the grandparents were in their 70s!). When we picked them up FIL said “they go on the screen a lot don’t they?” And we found out they had just let a 5 and 7 year old go on as much as they liked! I don’t even do that now they’re 12 and 14!
Anyway, now they’re older he seems more relaxed with them and just chats with them normally instead of being on some educational crusade.

FIL sounds like a pain in the arse! What does DP say? Can you go round there less?

I don't think you are overreacting, given how many of the things you describe could have had really dangerous consequences.
I would try and see him as little as possible and never leave them unsupervised together.