DH and I have been together for 14 years and, were it not for one issue, we would have a fantastic relationship. But, we have an ongoing issue with his family and, from my point of view, his lack of support to me over many, many years. I've pretty much reached the end of patience with it and am mentally checking out from him, mainly as a means of self-preservation.
There's too much to write down in one post, but I'll try and give a brief background and some examples.
Basically, I was friends with DH's sister for many years before she introduced us to each other. We hit it off immediately and, after a year, he moved in with me and my 2 DC from my previous marriage. All going great until SIL developed an issue with me (still no idea why??) and started badmouthing me and my then 5 year old DS to mutual friends and her parents. Initially, DH refused to believe me when I told him what was happening as "his sister was a lovely person who wouldn't do anything like that.". He eventually got caught up in one of her lies and saw what she was doing but, even then, wouldn't say anything other than to go round to her house for a "heart to heart".
His mum then got involved and left me voice messages telling me how upset DH was about everything and how it was all my fault and that they (i.e SIL, MIL and FIL) were all "prepared to forgive and forget and that I just needed to do the same". DH then called his mum - I thought to tell her that it was unfair to put the blame on me but instead ended up crying down the phone to her about how hard it all was.
I wish now that I'd told him to pack his bags at that point as it was clear then that he was no support and I was on my own with the situation. But, I didn't in the hope things would die down and improve. We kind of left it that I would have limited contact with SIL. FIL refused to speak to me for years but MIL had some good talks and cleared to air so we continued to have a decent relationship until she passed away nearly two years ago.
I clearly misread both SIL and DH as, over the years, he has continuously put her needs and happiness before mine. Just a few examples include:
- When DH and I's DD was born (she's now 11), I had high blood pressure and the midwife only let me go home on the understanding that kept as calm as possible. We'd been home less than an hour when SIL turned up as DH wanted her to come over as she was excited to see the baby (despite knowing that I found it stressful to have her round at the best of times)
- My DM was due to emigrate so I asked DH if he would marry me before she left - his immediate response was no as he didn't think I'd want SIL there.
- DH also refused to buy a home together as he didn't want to buy a home with me if his sister wasn't welcome.
DH and I eventually ended up emigrating as well and I thought that would be an end to it but SIL has continued to stir the pot and DH has continued to take her side. The latest thing sounds really petty but, to me, it's pretty much the final straw. As mentioned earlier, MIL and I patched things up and had a good relationship until she sadly passed away. We were friends on fb but I noticed that she came up as a suggested friend several times over the last few months/ I checked her fb page and saw that both me and my older DD (21) have been removed from her friends. SIL has access to her page and had posted a few things about funeral arrangements etc on there so it's clear that, at some point, she has removed the two of us. For some reason that really hurt - DH's mum was the only family member that showed me and my DC's any kindness. DH was fuming and we had a long difficult evening talking about his sister and her ongoing behaviour. We agreed at that point that DH would hold off speaking to her about it but that he wouldn't contact her for a while and that we would talk about it again before he next spoke to her. All good and I'm finally feeling some hope that we are on the same page and dealing with his sister as a team rather than it being her and him against me.
But, a couple of weeks later I was away for a couple of nights and when I got home, DD (11) mentioned that DH had called his sister. I asked him about it and he confirmed that he did but that he didn't say anything about the fb thing and that just had a normal chat as he hadn't spoken to her for a while.
AIBU to be really hurt and just sick of my feelings not counting? I appreciate that SIL is his sister and he feels close to her but her actions were hurtful and just another thing in a long line of behaviour designed to make me feel crap.
Right now, I don't feel like speaking to DH or being anywhere near him. However, we have DD(11) to think about and I hate there being an atmosphere at home that will impact on her. I'm feeling pretty trapped - if we split, DH will want to go back to our home country whereas I will want to stay here, not least because DC are settled here and oldest DC is expecting our first DGC early next year. But, DH has already threatened that he won't go without youngest DD so I feel like we have to try to make things work for her sake.
I'm already on top dose anti-depressants and have tried counselling various times to resolve things in my head but nothing ever changes and I'm at a complete loss as to how to move forward. Any suggestions gratefully received!