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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my DS to have a key to his Dad’s house?

42 replies

SunMIA · 19/08/2024 20:47

Literally here for opinions.

My DS is 17 & has always spent his time 50/50 with his Dad & me - for the last 14 ish years.

His relationship with his Dad is a bit strained at the moment & something that has caused a few issues recently is that he doesn’t have his own key to his Dad’s house.

AIBU to expect a 17 yr old who lives at your house 50% of the time to have a key?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 19/08/2024 20:48

What's his dad's reasoning for him not having one?

Sirzy · 19/08/2024 20:49

Unless there is a big drip feed about special needs or having lost 20 keys in the past then you are not being unreasonable.

a 17 year old should be able to come and go from the home freely (within respectful boundaries!)

espoleta · 19/08/2024 20:49

My DDS got keys at 11. How else do they get in after school?

Procrastinates · 19/08/2024 20:51

I agree yays really weird, does his dad give a reason for him not having one? He's 17 not 7 for goodness sake.

TomeTome · 19/08/2024 20:52

So it’s not his home after all?

Garedenhelp · 19/08/2024 20:57

At first I thought of course he should have a key.

But is there a back story? Has he been stealing? Bringing people back ? Partying while dad's away? Coming home in the early hours?

Procrastinates · 19/08/2024 20:57

TomeTome · 19/08/2024 20:52

So it’s not his home after all?

How is it not the sons home? He's spent 14 years living equally with both parents of course it's his home.

BrightBreezy · 19/08/2024 20:58

Yes they should have a key. My dc used to with their dad but SM dictated she wasn't happy with it recently and he asked for them back. My dc have never really viewed their dad's as their home though. I think they go there out of a feeling of duty. However if your son was there 50/50 then absolutely he should have a key.

NuffSaidSam · 19/08/2024 20:58

It's a bit odd.

But it's not your business. You do what you want at your house. He does what he wants at his house.

Original poster
SunMIA · 19/08/2024 21:00

No back story, good kid. In college, works in McDonald’s part time.

I’ve tried to stay out of it as I didn’t want to question his parenting but have text tonight asking why he doesn’t have a key as ended up sat outside the house this weekend having walked back from work.

OP posts:
KeirSpoutsTwaddle · 19/08/2024 21:00

I have never had a house key to my parents house. When we lived at home the key was left somewhere when it was needed by one of us kids. We certainly couldn’t come and go freely.

DuckBee · 19/08/2024 21:01

My DSD didn’t have one as she had form for loosing things including house keys. There is however a key safe which she knows what the code is.

Original poster
SunMIA · 19/08/2024 21:02

I have a key safe at my house that both my kids know the code to.

OP posts:
mushpush · 19/08/2024 21:04

I didn't have a key until I moved out for university! That was pretty much the standard amongst my friends too.

What's the dad's reasoning?

HazelBiscuit · 19/08/2024 21:06

Very odd in my world. By which I mean I can’t imagine not giving him a key. My kids are much younger and have one.

DS is 17. Is continuing to live at his Dads in his best interest?

StarryDance · 19/08/2024 21:07

I think it's pretty weird not to give your teenage kids a key to their own house.

StarryDance · 19/08/2024 21:08

Mine all had keys when they started secondary school.

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 19/08/2024 21:08

I think it’s very odd. I had a key to my parents’ house as soon as I was old enough to be going places without them. They worked full time and it was the only way I could get in after school.

Original poster
SunMIA · 19/08/2024 21:12

School was never an issue as he was picked up / dropped off but he’s about to go into his second year of college & it’s starting to cause issues.

OP posts:
mitogoshi · 19/08/2024 21:18

Yes it's odd, first thing I did when I moved in with dp was to cut keys for both my DDs and my dsd (all at university at the time) to make them feel like it's their house too

Doingmybest12 · 19/08/2024 21:23

I think your child should talk to their dad about it. Maybe a key safe would be a good idea. Otherwise I think I'd tell them to come back to their home with you if they can't get in at their home with their dad. Perhaps that will focus their dad's mind.

jamsandwiched · 19/08/2024 21:32

I have an adult child who lives independently now but he knows my house will always be his home and he can call in whenever he wants, however I took the key back when he moved out because I don't want to be having sex with H thinking we are alone and find he'd let himself in or not be decent thinking we were alone and "ooh hello"
I am an adult and with that I'm entitled to my privacy, having said that he always has had a key while living here and should have a key when living in the household and if he moved back home he'd have his key back.

TomeTome · 20/08/2024 00:26

Procrastinates · 19/08/2024 20:57

How is it not the sons home? He's spent 14 years living equally with both parents of course it's his home.

Show quote history

There are very few things that say firmly you are not part of this home and I would say not having a key would be one of them.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 20/08/2024 00:30

Has he asked his dad for a key?

Honestly it’s a bit weird… but it’s his relationship with his dad and he needs to be the one to negotiate it.

Original poster
SunMIA · 20/08/2024 09:36

Well, his Dad has just responded to my text saying that our DS never needed one & it’s none of my business so that’s the end of that then.

OP posts:
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