Hi all this is my first time here.
I could do with some comfort I guess and an honest unbiased perspective.
warning that I need to talk about CSA and this may activate some people.
I’ll try and be as succinct as possible.
I am having trouble with my husband and our intimate relationship. We have been married 6 years. Barely knew him before marriage (another long story).
we have both experienced CSA. I am in long term therapy for mine. Ptsd. Trying to work through stuff.
I get really triggered when sex isn’t considerate. I need lots of communication and time.
my husband just doesn’t seem to hear me and my needs. He is happy for me to give him an orgasm but not care that my needs have not been met. I have trouble speaking up when I’m hurt or needs not met due to my trauma. So I will let stuff go on a long time. When I eventually speak up, he turns on me. He says I don’t understand how much his abuse affects him. That he doesn’t need this. That he’s a good person. He says he’s not happy. Doesn’t enjoy sex unless I do too. He says ALL the stuff. But it’s been 6 years and he hasn’t changed a bit.
I feel if he was truly unhappy with the arrangement of me not getting my needs met then he’d speak up or do something. He’d SHOW care about me and my needs.
But he says that’s not true and it’s because he is struggling soo much and that I have no idea how much his abuse is affecting him.
Part of me says ….bullsh*t. Yes his abuse is affecting him. In ways he doesn’t even realise. But it’s not affecting sex for him. He still gets off every time. He never initiates sex. He never comes back to me after me getting triggered and asks what he can do. He just takes the orgasm and gets on with his day. Quite happily. Until he sees me upset again. Then it’s all about him.
I feel like I’m Going insane.
when we try to talk he patronises me. Calls me sweetheart when he never Calls me this. Talks to me like I’m broken and the issue.
I genuinely want a relationship with him. But he’s not giving me anything to work with.
We have had a bad weekend over this topic once again. After 6 months of me saying I’m not going to be intimate until he can communicate with me, I caved and it was the same story. He gets his kicks and I don’t and I end up sobbing a mess. And he says nothing. I txt him all my feelings and he just went full victim and said I have no idea how hard life is for him. Prior to me saying how I felt,.. he was happy and joyful and loving his day.
I’m so lost and stuck. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Ive told him he needs to talk to someone else. And that I won’t be intimate with him until he sorts stuff out. Because I have to protect myself. I was SA by 2 family members and a neighbour. And my mother did nothing. Silence is super triggering for me. I need communication around physical stuff. And to not feel used.
I literally don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. What to expect from him. Etc etc.
Today he just wants to go back to me being ok with him and cos I’m not he’s now gone to work sulking. I’m devastated.