Finding it hard being an older mum at school

[DazedAndConfused2024]

It’s an odd one: I don’t have an issue with my age in itself (I’m 49), or that life turned out the way it did with me having children late in life (at 42 and 44)
I’m finding it hard trying to relate to other mums at school - most seem to be 30something and just at a very different point in their lives.
I try to be friendly and approachable but I have definitely noticed that my older child is definitely getting fewer play date invitations and I’m definitely not in the post drop off mummy clique.

It doesn’t really bother me personally, it’s more the impact on my children that’s concerning, in terms of less social interaction.

Just wondering if any other older mums had encountered this?

Play dates are a pain, you’re missing out on nothing.

Don’t give it any headspace - focus on the friendships you have rather than chasing ones based on the age of your child.

I never fitted in. My kids are grown up now and they're fit, healthy and happy. Don't worry about it.

I'm an older Mum, but I think me not fitting in/lack of play dates has more to do with my personality than my age. 🫠

Your children will make friends naturally and this will be more valuable than arranging play dates by having to network with other parents who haven’t been friendly themselves.
I spent the majority of afterschool time with children who weren’t my friends due to mutual childcare arrangements with neighbours, hated it.

I'm not an 'older' mum and I don't fit in with the other mums. Play dates bore me. The only mum I do actually talk to and can relate to is an 'older' mum who is nearly 50 with an 8yr old (like my DS), a 19 year old (like my DD) and a 26 year old.
If they don't talk to you because of your age then they're the problem not you.

its really interesting to hear this, my group of ‘mum’ friends from school ranged in age from 28 to 48 when we first met. I was bang in the middle at 38. There’s 7 of us and now the kids have left school we’re all still friends.

Have you invited other children over for a play date? Has your child had a birthday party? These are good opportunities to get to know people.

Do your children do any clubs after school or at the weekend? There’s opportunities there for them to meet new friends too.

I was an older mum, my youngest is 37 years younger than I am, but the demographic at school was most of her class were first borns, and when she was 5, I was 42, and much of the class had mums under 30.

I do think it impacted DD a bit, and me, and I do/did wonder whether the school a bit further away with slightly older parents and more SAHMs would have been better socially. But it was a nice little school who were very caring and communicative.

You sure it's your age?
I had mine at 41 and 43. While they had play dates in their first school I was not really part of any mum group. But I put that more to the fact I just didn't really bond with anyone. At their second school I made a lot of friends with my older child's year mums, but not so much younger child's. But it didn't follow that it was my kids' friends' mums - it was mums I just got on with (snd still meet up with them now, even though eldest left that school five years ago),

Do not sweat this. I'm an older mum, had DD2 at 42. It's absolute pot luck as to whether you'll find friends at the school gate. I did with one child but not the other. It was nothing to do with my age, and everything to do with attitude and interests.

you won’t be the only one who doesn’t fit in, can you look for the other sad sacks and make your own clique? Be brave and invite some mums to meet up - they can say no and you smile and move on

I had dc at 37 and seem to be slightly older than the average mum on the playground (I'm 45 most still seem to be under 40) it's never affected me making friends, I'm friends with two women who are 36 and 38. I don't notice a massive difference although they can't relate to menopause symptoms.

We're here op! Just find your crew

I was a similar age to you when I had kids - never had a problem making “school gate” friends - I think those types of friendships are more about sharing life stages (ie primary aged kids at same school/extra-curricular activity etc) than age per se.

And differences between eg a 40 year old and a 50 year old are probably more about personality than age.

Besides which other parents didn’t generally know my age nor I theirs.

I’m an older mum and can’t be arsed with all the school playground stuff. I rarely talk to anyone, the clique doesn’t acknowledge me and I’m well happy about it. I just rush in and rush out. I have been the youngest parent too, many years ago, and I tried far too hard to be a good school mum and somehow ended up on the board of governors 😴. I much prefer the simple quiet life I have now!

My DC are adults and I can promise you that mum friends and the impact on your DC social life is one of those things that assumes a level of importance at the time, but when you look back, you think, what on earth was I thinking to worry about that? Because when your children get just a little older, all your success and failure to make friends and create them a social life, will be largely irrelevant. They make their own friends in line with their character and interests, and often barely speak to the DC you worked to socialise them with. If your DC want other DC round to play, invite them. I doubt many mums will say no just because you're not a particular friend of theirs.

Thanks all. Honestly, there are moments I feel I am talking at cross purposes/talking Swahili with the majority of the younger mums. I do try. Actually, less so now - I’ve kinda given up. Reading these comments gives me faith to carry on x thank you

No. I had dd at 41. I've so many mum friends some older some younger than me... keep trying x

I had dc in my teen's, 20's, 30's and 1 at 43.. I def don't miss the clique that engulfes school gates with my older dc.. Honestly op you are missing nothing....

I'm about average for the cohort at my kids school and I absolutely do not fit in... couldn't care less

Working full time and using wraparound means I rarely see them - thankfully 😂

I don’t have mum friends, I’m also older and not all that appealing to look at and socially akward etc etc. we do have a few playdates but honestly secondary is when they will find their actual friends. I’m increasingly feeling like it’s all just busy work tbh and playdates are overrated. We’ve been on some lovely ones and Dd has a bestie I make sure she sees regularly (we did them after it was clear the girls were very close) but I’m not sure DD would care that much if she wasn’t doing lots of playdates.

I’m not saying this to be mean but the parents I know who are overly involved seem to have children who are often herded into friendships with people the parents like. Not sure how that works out long term tbh.

Why bother.
Why bother? Your kids will make their own friends. Seriously, I’m sure you have friends and don’t need to be friends for school drop offs. I was a rare full-time working parent, DH did the drop offs and didn’t feel the need for ‘mum friends. Our kids were fine and had plenty of friends. Also, what @Flibflobflibflob said.

Where I am, being an older mum is relatively normal and most have their first child in their late 30s or early 40s. Whilst you might still be slightly older, you would still fit in the general age range.

I was 31 when my elder child started school and in our area that is pretty young as people tend to start having babies in their mid - late 30s. I hated play dates; much preferred when my kids were old enough to have a friend round without their parents! I tend to keep myself to myself on the yard and definitely am not in any cliques; I found I made friends through their hobbies (incidentally some of my favourite parents were in my elder child’s football team and they ranged from mid 40s to 60 so my husband and I were outliers in terms of our age!). Don’t panic though; it comes naturally itself I think. My boys have plenty of friends despite my refusal to join class WhatsApp groups etc!

I don't know if you are being unreasonable but I'm one of the older mums at school and I've never felt it's a problem. If I fancy a chat, there is someone to talk to. I don't do loads of school play dates. My son has one best friend and we arrange something with him from time to time. To be honest, I don't really want the evenings and weekends to be taken up with other people's children! I'm lucky I do have a friend who has kids that my kids really get on well with, so we spend more time seeing them.

If he wanted a playdate with someone I'd message the parent and arrange and see what they said.

I have noticed that the mum's of girls see each other quite a bit and sometimes they invite me if I happen to be about, but they tend to stick to girls only generally. I still like the mums and get along with them though. The mums of boys don't seem that proactive in arranging things, or maybe they are just not inviting me either! I don't know, but my son is happy in school and out and we both have plenty social interactions.

I'm 32 and definitely not in any clique. Dc1 is 11. Please don't think age has anything to do with it! As for playmates, they've only really got more frequent in the last couple of years as friendship groups have solidified x