DH won’t talk about possible pregnancy after miscarriage.

[NameChangeShhh]

Name change as I’m a long time poster on here!

Me and DH have once child. We have also suffered a terrible miscarriage, that involved surgery and it was very upsetting for both of us and we supported each other.

I am currently a few days late on my period. We are TTC, very much wanted by us both but both equally terrified of going through the loss again.

I am nervous about a loss, how it will impact my mental health, my relationship with my DC, my job and my body.

I have lots of friends but no one I feel I can talk too about this.

I asked DH what I should do about being late on my period and he said I don’t know. I know this is his way of saying I can’t face it yet.

DH is an amazing dad he does more than me some days as I can work away. He is a great husband very domesticated and he always puts me and DC before anyone else. I can generally talk to him about anything unless…

My issue is whenever we find ourselves faced with something that can be scary or challenging he shuts down. Pretends it isn’t happening. We’ve spoken about this in the past and it’s pretty much how he says he was raised not to talk about things.

So my AIBU… I do appreciate we all deal with things differently but AIBU to expect just a little validation for how fucking nervous I am right now for example… I know you must feel really anxious but I’m just not ready to talk right now. Rather than just ignoring the subject? I feel like he just doesn’t care about how nervous and anxious I am right now. When I know deep down he does he’s just ignoring it which I find frustrating. But it’s actually going to be my body!

From past experience I know I am just waiting for him to be ready before we can talk. I would not mind this if he actually said it rather than ignoring me!

I feel scared, nervous, anxious and I don’t know who to turn to or what to do. I just want to talk to DH and feel a bit better. HELP I have no idea what to do!

YABU - He is allowed to deal with any issue how he wants, he doesn’t need to validate you.
YANBU - Yes, he should acknowledge that you’re hurting but let you know he can’t face talking about it just yet.

What do you think you should do ?
I guess most people buy a pregnancy test.

Given the caveats on your YABU/YANBU I'd want to choose both.

But also knowing what he's like, I'd do the pregnancy test myself and take it from there.

There's no point in you both stressing out when you don't even know if you're pregnant or not.

I would get the test and see what it says before having a chat about something that might/might not be happening.

I asked DH what I should do about being late on my period and he said I don’t know.

Also, what does this ^^ mean?

What else can you do other than take a test?

I was hoping he’d say buy a test. I asked yesterday if he thought I should buy one and he said no.

Maybe it’s just me acting crazy! I’m just more upset that he won’t talk to me. If I’m pregnant I know we’ll both worry so much I’ll miscarry again and I just wanted to be able to talk to him.

I guess I’m just being silly and hormonal. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

Part of being married is learning how the other feels in relation to significant life issues: birth, miscarriage, bereavement, etc. It's a huge journey and learning curve.

I am sorry for your loss. My DH is "buttoned up". 35 years on I know and understand how he carries on. I also understand It's part of who he is. His parents were the same and never taught him that it's OK to talk about emotion. We lost a little boy, born too soon 27 years ago. He still doesn't talk about it.

For now, with a pg after a tragedy, take it one day at a time. At the moment it's a late period. Next week it might be the start of stable pg. Then you get a pregnancy test. You go to the GP. You book an early scan, you might be safety netted with an early midwife appointment. You hold your breath until the 12 week scan. You keep your fingers crossed at the 20 week scan. You breathe a sigh of relief at 28 weeks. Might you be able to have some therapy to suppprt you at this time.

@NameChangeShhh also, do you want to talk to us about the miscarriage.

First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss. It certainly sounds like a very traumatic thing you went through.
What stuck out to me was “I feel like he just doesn’t care about how nervous and anxious I am right now…. But it’s actually going to be my body!”
Yes, it is your body going through the pregnancy, but don’t underestimate that it’s a pregnancy he very much wants as well, but it comes with the added risk to you- the woman he loves. Women go through a lot during pregnancy and birth, men are often left on the sidelines feeling powerless to witness everything their partners go through. That’s traumatic in its own way. Give him time to process it. But first things first… do a test!

Firstly I hope this is positive news for you and in time you are able to come to terms with it.
Secondly I'm sorry for your experience and for the difficulties it is now causing you its very hard so give yourself, and him, the understanding that you would give your best friend.
Youve been through a war and are scared of another battle.
Having a rainbow baby, and that pregnancy is one of the scariest things and it will take you both time to come to terms with. Maybe just say I know you cant deal with this yet but Im so scared and just want to be around you. He cant give you the reasurance you need right now and you can't give it to him. Its just being together in the unknown until you have more positive news...and that could be a while. For me it was the entire 9 months, be prepared that this potential pregnancy could feel entirely different and a bit of a slog.
Time to be a warrior and do what you can. Sending love and positive vibes X

I think I would react similarly to how he is.
I wouldn't mean to upset my partner, but if something has been traumatic then it's quite hard to revisit it.

I had late losses and then two successful pregnancies. I didn't really accept being pregnant - or that a baby was actually coming until very late on. Because of fear and self protection. Waited ages to test. I didn't buy anything before they were born or even really bond until they were a few weeks old. Sounds terrible now but it was some kind of avoidant coping mechanism.

It's just something you can't control - how the next pregnancy will go. I lost my twin sons at birth 9 months ago. I'm almost 5 weeks pregnant again and I live in a state of anxiety every day. I've had the worst time of life already, I gave birth to one twin who was born sleeping and held his baby brother in my arms as he died 4 days later. Then I had to bury my beautiful sons.

But I just keep going, keep saying this pregnancy is different. It won't take away the grief but there's new joy. Your partner will talk eventually but it's just a process. You have to keep going forward. Otherwise we'd have just crumbled in grief.

I would just do a test, OP. You don't need your husband's permission. All of this is hypothetical until you know whether you are actually pregnant or just ovulated later than usual.

If you take the test and you are pregnant, at that point you tell your husband that you are pregnant and need his support.

You won't cause yourself to miscarry by worrying about it, that's not how this works. Speaking as someone who has had many miscarriages in the past, unless you're on a tightly controlled medical protocol for recurrent miscarriage and taking a cocktail of drugs every day, there is really nothing you can do to either cause or prevent a miscarriage. (And even then the jury is out on how much difference those treatments make.) In the majority of cases miscarriages are believed to be due to a chromosomal abnormality in the embryo.

Fingers crossed for you. Go easy on yourself.

Your body, your test.
Why include an anxious husband until you have to?

He will be there, surely, once a pregnancy is confirmed.
If you need to talk to someone because you also can't cope then see a counsellor or chat to a friend or "nurse on line". Do you belong to a mother's group?

just buy the test.

Then take it from there. All this stress and worry may be moot. Buy the test.