I don’t feel like a “grown up” - am I alone?

[didistutter56]

I’m approaching my mid-30s but I don’t feel like an adult. I’m not sure if I’m wording it properly.

I’m a single mum and small business owner, my business manages to support me but I don’t ever feel proud of myself for my achievements. I always feel like I’m not doing enough; i procrastinate too much, don’t really have any hobbies, do zero exercise other than walking the dog, my eating habits are awful. I don’t feel like I’ve got my shit together, I always feel tired and overwhelmed by things and usually end up putting things off for as long as I can. I guess I just don’t feel like much of a person really. I spend my days looking after DD or the animals or working or cleaning, and when I have time for myself I just scroll on social media or play daft games on my phone.

My bills and rent are always paid on time, I’m working on paying off debt I accrued when I first became a single parent, but I don’t even have a private pension set up and I’ve been self employed my entire life.

I don’t know. I feel like I want to achieve so much more and do so much more with my life but I don’t have the energy. Where do I even start trying to sort my energy and daily habits out?

I just don’t feel like much of a person really

That’s an incredibly sad thing to think. You sound like you’re doing plenty of things others would be hugely envious and admiring of! If a friend described herself as a successful self employed single parent who’s financially responsible and writes really well would you let her run herself down like this? What if it was your daughter when she’s grown up? You achieve loads, every single day.

If there are things you’re unhappy with like your diet, social media, lack of hobbies etc then look at those one by one and think about how to integrate small changes. But I’d also write a list of the positives about yourself, your achievements, your life and try to appreciate them so that changes come from a place of self care rather than self loathing. Eat more fruit and veg because your body deserves it. Take up crochet/French cinema/crosswords/canoeing or whatever you like because your brain deserves to be stimulated and you’re worth investing in.

Fwiw I told a friend today that swapping to washable napkins made me feel pretty grown up as they’re cheaper, greener and a bit posher, so maybe your standards are just different to mine and you’re already acing life 😂💐

Oh, you made me cry 😅 Thank you for this. If it was my daughter or friend I’d be very proud of them. Unfortunately I don’t have much of a supportive family, I think most of them think I spend my days dossing around instead of working.

I’m going to make a note of all your tips. Thank you.

Look, I'm only slightly older than you, but none of us know what we're doing and we're all just muddling along. One of mine is collecting their GCSE results shortly and I keep thinking "I can't have dragged them up this far" but I have and they're great and currently upstairs working on their transition work without me needing to nag.

You've done loads. So life didn't pan out the way you imagined - most of ours don't - but you can still enjoy what you have and work on the bits you want to change. We all work with what we've currently been given and if anyone tells you they have all their shit together they're usually either lying or heavily supported by a vast network of other people (who also don't know what they're doing). Adulting is one big pretense show.

I remember very clearly being 16 and going to the 60th birthday party of a lovely great aunt. She told me that I wouldn't believe her, but she still felt in her head exactly the same as when she was 16, it was just the other stuff that changed. Of course I thought she was bananas, 30 years later I know what she means 😆

It sounds like most of what you do is work in one way or another. Is there anything you would like to do? The energy comes from wanting to. Could you go swimming with DD once a week? Could you have a piece of fruit with breakfast and 2 kinds of veg with lunch and dinner? Pick a small thing and start doing it until it is just what you do. Then pick The next thing.

But give yourself grace, we're all just doing the best we can.

35 and I feel 12!

Thanks everyone, I do feel better. I don’t really have many friends these days, or I don’t see any of them anyway, but i know they’re all doing really well in their careers, buying houses and having multiple children, and most of the time I feel like I’m just plodding along.

I have been doing more over the summer holidays and DD and I have been going swimming every week. We have a day out planned for tomorrow and she has a sleepover at home this week and I’ll be taking her and her friend out for the day too, so now I’ll be stressing about fitting work in rather than doing nothing but work 😅

I've never got married or learned to drive or bought a house so I definitely don't feel like a proper adult. You're not the only one.

Classic imposter syndrome.
I think it's rare not to feel like this in some way. I know know elderly people who say, they don't feel their age.
I am older than you, married, have children, incredibly responsible job but honestly I still feel I have the brain of 20 year old me.
At work I am often the most senior person, I take on a lot of responsibility for my wider family but I just do not feel adult enough.
I still love a proper night out friends, always up for a some of the things I would do in 20's and 30's just wish I had the body to go with the brain!

I suppose what I am trying to say is my inner self doesn't always match with my outer self but I truly believe that to some degree is normal.