I told my partner he was disrespecting me and our son.

[mammabear99]

I just need to rant as I'm honestly so angry but cannot vent my frustration to family.

Me and my partner have an almost 4 month old. We come from (morally) different backgrounds. My partner comes from a family that smokes (and smokes in their house). I come from a family who don't smoke and think it's disgusting.

My partner does not smoke but vapes - never around our child might I add!

I told him a long time ago whilst I was pregnant that we are not taking the baby around his families house due to the second/third hand smoking my child could be around. I am okay to be around it myself when we used to go around but I am not willing to put my child in that situation. He agreed and said they can come to us or we could meet at a park or something similar.

Yesterday his Dad rang him and he agreed that we would go around to their house to see them. When he told me I flipped as we had spoken about this a few weeks ago when his Dad asked then and I told him no then.

He said he felt bad because our son hardly sees his family compared to mine but I've told him that they can still see him, just not at their house. I probably shouldn't have said this (or maybe I should?) but I told him he had to pick between our son's health and his families feelings as he will not tell them why we don't go around so he doesn't upset them.

They smoke in the kitchen downstairs and he said we could take him upstairs to the living room straight away so we avoid the smokey room. I said smoke travels and no room in that house is 'safe ' from smoke and do not want to take him.

AIBU?

Absolutely not being unreasonable at all. I had an elderly aunt who always smoked indoors and we wouldn’t allow her to smoke in our home when our eldest was born. She wouldn’t avoid smoking in her own house for us to visit either. So she ended up never meeting our eldest before she died, out of her own stubbornness.
I have no sympathy for people who are awkward about things like this- surely if they wanted to see your child so badly they would just come to your house?

YANBU - it's against all advice

Either they come to you, you meet somewhere neutral outside or- at a push - meet in their garden and they have to shower and put on clean clothes first

You agreed between you not to take baby there so he shouldn't go back on that

I think you probably need a compromise because you won’t be able to sustain NEVER going to their house.

But equally you can’t go if it’s not safe. Couldn’t you just tell them that you’re uncomfortable with the smoke around the baby yourself because it may be that if they knew they’d be mortified and start to smoke outside so they can bond with their grandbaby? I don’t really agree with having a hard boundary but never communicating it to the relevant people because they’re never given a chance. How can you change behaviour you likely view as normal if you don’t know that it’s bothering someone else?

If they still don’t change their behaviour then they’ve made their choice and will have to come to you or meet at a third party venue (which will likely be more the norm as the baby grows up anyway so they can be entertained)

Go to the house but stay outside? Let them know you don't want the child around the smoke and as they smoke inside, your child isn't going inside.

Just no. DH is BU. Meet in a park as he agreed !

It depends on what you think is most harmful to your son. The risk of some second or third hand smoke, or having no extended family on his dad's side.

You are not being unreasonable. I recently had to have a brain scan and the consultant was able to tell I had suffered the effects of passive smoke from when I was a child from how my sinuses were!

I'm very anti smoking but did you discuss this prior to deciding to have a baby?

The majority of the issues here could be solved by talking prior to moving in/marriage/pregnancy.

A compromise of them not smoking whilst you are there perhaps? Not ideal but you need to come up with a solution that works

I know this isn't the prevailing view on Mumsnet, but is the occasional exposure to third hand smoke really that risky? Like many people my age (40s), I grew up with a fair bit of passive smoking - mainly from my parents and friends, as well as smoking being permitted on buses, trains etc in the 80s - and we're not, as far as I know, a generation with universal chronic lung complaints as a result.

I know it's not ideal, but on balance surely it's far better for your son to have a relationship with that side of the family than not? I'm totally willing to accept I'm wrong if someone has some data, but is the risk if he spends a bit of time in a room that's been smoked in, really that huge?

I agree with you BUT if you were to split up you would have absolutely no say in how your (then) Ex- partner spends his time with his DC or where he spends it so a compromise needs to be made before you get to that stage.

My parents only ever smoked outside, visiting their relatives who changed smoked indoors we would be kicked out into the garden, or upstairs to a cousins room.

Passive and third hand smoke is horrible and a hazard BUT isn't going to make a huge amount of difference during fairly infrequent visits. Similarly air quality on the tube and generally in cities is pretty awful and you don't stop using or walking around those places although you may choose not to live there.

YANBU here at all. All my aunties and older cousins smoked heavily, as young children we were all around it constantly, every single child has had various issues linked with smoking/passive smoke. I'm fairly certain it's no coincidence. I was always pretty careful with my kids but by then the smoking ban had come in (well just after DS1 was born) so it was definitely easier.

All my family smoked outside when the babies were there but just the smokey environment is enough to cause issues.

Sorry should have clarified they smoked outside when there were small babies there, not once they were slightly older.

Absolutely not. No child should be taken into that house. I posted yesterday about my mum giving me two items of clothing last week. They were in a closed wardrobe upstairs. She smokes in the back room, nowhere near the stairs which are in another room. They stank, even from a distance. I had to bury them under other stuff for the journey home then they went straight in the wash.

absolutely YANBU

I won't go into much detail but I went through the exact same thing with partners family! My partner made it very clear I don't get a say in wether baby was allowed into their house or not as it's his family. My heart was broke with it I was an anxious mess. I gave in just to avoid the constant arguing.

My biggest regret ever! It's my duty to keep my baby safe, don't do it.

Some people are so selfish

Why do you not tell them that the smoking is why you do not go round?