i cheated... or did i?

[101club]

NC i'm afraid for this one.

a couple of years into my marriage to my EXH who always made sure i knew that i was an affair that went wrong. (basically we met when him and his then wife were separated and only after we married and things started to do wrong did he tell me that i was only meant to be a fling).

he was also into 'swinging' and i stupidly agreed to give it a go! unfortunately, by pushing me into the arms of other men, i ended up having a relationship with one of these men, left my EXH for him.

I know i'll be judged, but i was in a bad place with my MH and i describe them as my dark years. I finally got my shit together, ended that relationship, got my head straight and finally aftr many years met and married my now husband!

he knows my entire past, he has supported my journey to deal with my past and although technically i cheated on my EXH.. my current husband says he does't see it like that? (there is absolutely no swinging involved anymore, and i am now unmedicated for my MH issues, no drugs or alcohol and we have a great life)

I'm curious to know what MN thinks, did i cheat or didn't i?

Is it cheating if your EXH encouraged an open relationship a d knew about/ agreed it?

Not my cup of tea, but it doesn't sound clandestine/ without sanction.

Is it cheating if you went outside the agreed boundaries of your open relationship? Yes.

If there were no set boundaries or they weren’t clearly set out and agreed, then no.

You just made me giggle out loud..

Your ex got karma.
He told you to swing. You did into the arms of another , who caught you and refused to let go.
No cheating here as everyone knew...

why dwell on it? it sounds as if you're in a better place now - leave it in the past.

I wouldn't lose sleep wondering if I broke the trust of an abusive man who pushed me into swinging for his own jollys.

Yes you cheated. So what though, it doesn't define you. There were circumstances that contributed to your actions & the past doesn't really matter insofar as it doesn't sound like you need to be sorry to anyone. Just enjoy life now while things are good. No need to have a label about it

Yes you cheated, but he coerced you into a risky game and then paid the price.

I can't be too sad face for him.

Yes, you cheated but it sounds like it was a crap marriage. I wouldn’t worry about the semantics.

Yes, you cheated. Unless you had an open relationship & your now ex-husband knew you were meeting a man you "swung" with.

Saying that, you are now divorced and your new husband doesn't have an issue with it , so I'd forget about it and leave it in the past.

I don't understand or have much time for " swinging". But if it was a consensual decision with your then ExH and he actively wanted you to do it and encouraged you to then how can it be cheating? It was with his consent .
I'm glad you have got your act together OP and you have got a good relationship with your DH..

Yes you cheated, swinging doesn’t involve getting into a relationship. Why now when you’re happily married does it matter? Your DH doesn’t think you cheated but that doesn’t change the fact you did. Move on and forget about it

Couldn't have said it better myself.

The sex was allowed and is ok because that’s what swinging is but getting into a relationship with one of them is not part of swinging so she cheated

I wouldn't view that as cheating.
Good to hear you are in a healthy relationship.
I think lots of us have done things we didn't feel entirely comfortable when in toxic relationships. We shouldn't be defined by them. We grow.

I take it that is one of the unwritten rules of " swinging"?
I suppose you have to be able to truly divorce sex from emotion to be able to do that.
I think it's playing with fire because there must be many vulnerable people who are " encouraged " or co-erced into that life style who mentally aren't able to divorce sex and emotion. If OP's ex " encouraged " her into that life style and she couldn't divorce her feelings from the act of sex then more fool her ex for getting her involved in something she wasn't suited to.
I still don't class it as cheating but you are entitled to your opinion.

Yes, you cheated. You went outside of the agreed boundaries of the relationship with someone else.

Does it matter what it’s labelled? He used and abused you, and paid the price of his fantasies and perversions by you finding a better model. I don’t condone cheating but there’s absolutely nuance here. Past you was a whole other person, she is a lesson learned not a punishment for today.

@101club essentially what @GhibliCat said.

Who cares though and why does it matter?

not all scars heal quickly and sometimes it needs some work... thanks