Starting again at 31

[Beda]

I met my (now estranged) husband at university. I admired his confidence even though it would occasionally slide into arrogance which weirdly I still respected. I had an abusive childhood even though I would characterise my parents as loving. As soon as their lives got hard their kids were an easy scapegoat- I’ve experienced hitting, punching, spitting, hair pulling, objects thrown at me etc. Yiu name it.

I think this is possibly why I hate myself. Despite being conventionally beautiful and intelligent (grammar school, first class degree) I think I am repulsive.

I’m sure this is why I ran into my ex’s arms. He was an escape. When we met I went to the gym, would style my hair daily and wouldn’t leave the house without makeup.

I’ve had an okay career but it’s definitely been hindered by ex’s career. We did a stint abroad which was very limiting for me.

Ive always wanted children but ex would often degrade me when he was angry. We would have quite massive fights but he’d quickly apologise. I told myself if were able to go two months without an unacceptable interaction between us then i would go off the pill. But that never happened.

When my mum married my dad she was stunningly beautiful and confident. She literally could have been a movie star. But she became an absolute shell of herself due to my angry father. I promised I would never end up like her.

I have now left ex. And have started divorce proceedings. My bill and sister are very gracious in letting men stay with them rent free and treat my stay as a pleasure.

But I feel old and depleted. I’ve let myself go. I am just so anxious. I look back and genuinely can see how I wasted my 20s. That makes me panic like you wouldn’t believe. I have to force myself to fake laugh in social interactions. I am so lethargic. On paper I know I am still young but I don’t feel it

I really need some encouragement. Mumsnetters can be so wonderful.

First - GOOD FOR YOU for leaving.

Second - I wasted my 30s. Ten years after leaving my ex, I still wish I’d got out earlier. But the important thing is what happens next. Give yourself some time to rest & recover & don’t rush into looking for a new partner, that can come when you’re ready. For now, focus on finding out who you are now you’re away from him.

Well done and yes of course you can start again. I went back to do a PhD in my 30s and was a professor before 40. Enjoy the gym, your friends and generally not being with a controlling, angry man. Good luck

I left my abusive ex aged 35 and although it was daunting at the time it was the best thing I ever did. My life started at 35 really after being unhappy for about 15 years prior - driven by career issues, then weight then relationship issues. It's absolutely not too late and you're not that old. Start doing things for you and get yourself on a better path.

Well done for leaving; that shows how strong you are and that you recognise what a happy and healthy life and family is supposed to look like. Well done for not having kids with him.

Please don’t panic about ‘wasted time’. It isn’t wasted. It’s all experience that will inform what you want from the next decade and beyond.

You are now in a brilliant position: you’ve got fantastic academics, you’re beautiful, you’re so so young, and don’t yet have children or other big commitments to impact on what happens next.

There’s nothing to stop you embracing ramping up your career or pivoting, should you want to focus on that, but I would start by working on the anxiety and self esteem and the feeling of not having looked after yourself; so would consider some counselling / therapy as a first step and getting back into exercise and healthy eating too.

You’ll instantly feel better if you start moving again and taking pride in your body and feeling strong. It’s also a great way to meet people too.

Coupling exercise with therapy to start to work on the self esteem issues, you’ll begin to understand what led you into the previous dynamic so that you can hopefully make better decisions next time.

I personally would NOT focus on dating or looking for another partner until I’d tackled some of these issues as it will stand you in good stead for having a healthier
Relationship next time. You want to avoid falling back into the same patterns you are familiar with so park all of that side of things for now.

Happy, confident people attract happy confident people.

This is what you want for your future children (should you have them), so better to work on this rather than rush into finding potential partners (something I saw many women doing at 30-32 and they’re now getting divorced later down the line).

Even if you were 5-7 years older you still wouldn’t be too late to start looking for a future father of your children, so park any worry about that, you really are so lucky to have got out whilst so young.

Remember that if you’re married, the presumption is a 50:50 split of assets, including pensions. Hopefully you can find your own place asap to get a sense of independence again, which will also help with self esteem.

I feel excited for you! Let us know how you get on

Well, I am planning to emigrate in the next few months when I will be 35.

So no, 31 is not too old to start over / take your life in a new direction.

Best of luck, and well done for leaving him!

31 is young - VERY young! You have a vast swathe of life ahead of you to do lots of exciting things.

I retrained and changed career at the age of 50 - you have lots and lots and lots of time - go forth and sock it to the world!

31 is young!

Well done on leaving.

Get yourself therapy for your low self esteem. Then decide what you want. You have time.

Thanks all.

I have no interest at all in dating right now.

i just have no motivation. I spent all day in bed yesterday. And I only just got up to use the loo and grab myself a bagel (and chocolate). But as I felt shit I came back to bed.

I just can’t see how I will motivate myself to progress. I just want to sleep and hide.

My sister tries to get me to do things with her but I’m just not comfortable to do so.

Therapy is needed, definitely.

I’m 33 and don’t consider myself over the hill. 31 is definitely not, I think our 30s should be some of the best years of our lives, we’ve got all the messy self-hating stuff out of the way, we’re starting to get our shit together mentally, we’ve got more money in our pay check than we ever have. It’s all a matter of perspective - you’ve left a relationship that wasn’t fulfilling you and you’re ONLY 31 🔥🔥🔥
As for letting yourself go, nothing a good gym membership or joining a CrossFit gym won’t sort - you may even find that someone in a new environment catches your eye. All the best, go and enjoy your dirty 30s! Xx

This may be a disturbing thing to say but sometimes I regret not having had a baby. Maybe then I would have something to inspire/motivate me.

I put you’re being un reasonable but I mean that kindly. Honestly 31 is no age at all on paper or not. You have your whole life ahead of you literally. You’re obviously intelligent and strong . You’ve made the right decision. Chalk it up to experience. Give yourself some time and if you can get out into the fresh air I find long walks/jogging really helped me in difficult times. Very best wishes to you.

Totally understandable feeling; we all have days like that.

If you need to sleep and rest, that’s ok. If it’s starting to make you feel bad, then it’s just a sign of pushing yourself to make small changes. Would you consider speaking to a GP about whether you need any anti anxiety medication? Or it may just be that small things like an evening stroll, or setting yourself a list to achieve for the next day, going to the cinema etc will start to help reinvigorate you.

I know 31 is objectively young.

But I don’t even want to leave the house. This has been going on for at least 3 weeks. I can’t even picture acting normal again. That is the source of my anxiety

Do it for your future babies?

Well done for leaving him

I an early 30’s and half my friends haven’t even met anyone yet to begin with, let alone already been married etc. you are really young. Try to focus on moving forward and your new life rather than spending time panicking about your age.

You sound depressed, and it’s horrid when you feel like that; one can quickly feel stuck and not imagine how things will ever be ok. But this will pass. I promise.

You couldn’t have got a first class degree if you didn’t have it in you. It’s traumatic leaving a marriage, especially if your family history was traumatic so how you are feeling is very normal. Sounds like you’ve put all your energy into finally making the break and then just flopped now you are safe. It’s totally understandable and natural to feel frazzled.

It’s ok to accept that you might need a bit of help, call the docs tomorrow and ask for an appt?

Have a nice hot shower and take yourself for a long walk. Do it now. You'll feel better for it.

Say hello to people you pass.

Feel the sun on your face.

Enjoy a cup of tea in a cafe.

Starting again at 31 is fine. I started again at almost 30.

31 is so so young! I started again at 33, moved overseas and now married with children. I'd do anything to be 31 again with time on my side!!

I met so many incredible career driven women in their late 30s who hadn't yet settled down, and living life to the fullest.

It sounds like you're a bit down at the moment but you have so many good years to come.

In all honesty I look back at my 20s when i was earning less, less sure of myself and still finding my feet, and it doesn't compare in the slightest to the fun and experiences I had in my 30s and early 40s x

How you’re feeling is normal and will pass, but if you’re still feeling like not getting out of bed etc in another week or two maybe see you GP.

30s were honestly the best years for me, you aren’t old, you don’t have the insecurities of your 20s and you sort of grow into yourself.

Try not to fret about what you wish had happened etc, is done and now you need to move on.

You are plenty young enough to have more relationships and kids if you wish.

You seem quite concerned about your appearance, just take that a bit at a time and do small things to treat yourself.

Sometimes it’s all about mindset, take some time out but give it a timescale, don’t wallow forever.
Keep your chin up xx

Well done for ditching the awful bloke.
You are still so young - embrace this.
The fact that you made the decision not to have a child with this man will be an enormous relief for you in the future as you are completely free of him.
Go for a walk in nature. Get outside, you will feel better for it.

Oh, dear sweet sunmer child. 31 is still very much in your prime! You will be absolutely fine. Do some therapy to work on your confidence and inner peace. You’ve got this!

FWIW, I’m weighing up my options at 48. It has not even occurred to me that I would be too old to start again!

Well done for leaving - it takes huge courage and recovery time. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to rest.
So good to be able to stay with your sister.
Just do what you have to do and don't worry about the future for the moment.
Have some counselling if it will help.