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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have a second child anymore?

13 replies

donniedarko89 · 18/08/2024 12:17

After DD was born, I intensely desired a second child, having been an only myself.

However, DH was against it and after discussing the matter a lot I respected his choice. I intensely grieved for a couple of years to "let go" of this ghost child whom I would never meet, but eventually started to appreciate the positives: more money, more free time, more time for DD, less strain on our relationship. I came to such a resolution that I even started selling Dad's old clothes on Vinted!

Predictably, after some of his best friends had kids, now DH is saying he is "not so against" the idea of a DC number 2 anymore. But I am now 40 and feel too old, and I don't want to open a potentially painful chapter. Still, I feel torn at times.

Has anyone regretted not having (or even trying) for a second?

OP posts:
SunshineDucks · 18/08/2024 12:18

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tuttuttutt · 18/08/2024 12:18

He's sounds wishy washy about it even now. If you're happy with just 1 there's your answer.

PumpkinPie2016 · 18/08/2024 12:22

'Not so against a second' doesn't sound like a strong enough reason to go for a second to me.

If you are happy with one, stick with it.

I have one son who is now 10. I'm 37 so slightly younger than you but I definitely wouldn't want another baby now.

Newsenmum · 18/08/2024 12:23

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There’s nothing ‘unfair’ about a big age gap. How big would it be? A big age gap can be lovely. However it’s very unfair on your behalf that he was so determined to stop and you had to accept that. It’s your body so you decide now. A second child does change absolutely everything so you have to really want it and he would need to be very involved.

WhoWhereWhatHow · 18/08/2024 12:33

I wouldn't have another child with a man who makes his family planning choices based on his friends.

You sound like you're in a good place now so in your position, I'd say no to another.

Imtryingnottoworry · 18/08/2024 12:33

I would be rather annoyed with your DH.
You wanted a second child so badly you grieved for quite a significant period when your DH didn't want a second. You say you had a lot of discussion about it and he was dead set against it.
I think if he could see your upset and not be moved to change his mind it is unkind, to say the least, to start saying he is doubting his decision. He is doubting it because of what his friends have done, but he wouldn't bend at all over the decision for you.
I also don't think him " not being so against it" is enthusiastic enough to actually decide to bring another life into the world.
I think he is being really insensitive to you. And I think if I were you I wouldn't have the second.

Charlieeeeee · 18/08/2024 12:42

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What a ridiculous comment

DinnerOnTheGrass · 18/08/2024 12:45

I wouldn’t. You’ve done your grieving and processing of a road not taken, and moved on. I also agree with a pp who said they wouldn’t have a further child with a man whose family planning choices were based on his friends’ decisions.

Didimum · 18/08/2024 12:48

I don’t think your husband’s reasons, resolve or actions are robust enough to bring another child into the family. I’d leave the door closed for your own sake.

ringmybe11 · 18/08/2024 12:52

We're 1 and done - both me and DH have siblings and I do feel bad about that aspect of having 1 child but we're older - 39 and 46 when he was born so only planned to try for 1. Also all the things you mentioned about the 1 child having all your time, love, money etc is a definite bonus.

Jjiillkkf · 18/08/2024 12:56

Imtryingnottoworry · 18/08/2024 12:33

I would be rather annoyed with your DH.
You wanted a second child so badly you grieved for quite a significant period when your DH didn't want a second. You say you had a lot of discussion about it and he was dead set against it.
I think if he could see your upset and not be moved to change his mind it is unkind, to say the least, to start saying he is doubting his decision. He is doubting it because of what his friends have done, but he wouldn't bend at all over the decision for you.
I also don't think him " not being so against it" is enthusiastic enough to actually decide to bring another life into the world.
I think he is being really insensitive to you. And I think if I were you I wouldn't have the second.

Edited

This ^^ I'd be incredibly upset at my partner if he watched me grieve and wouldn't budge an inch and the was swayed by his pals

cheddercherry · 18/08/2024 15:14

I agree with the above he watched you in utter turmoil over this for years and nothing but because Jonny from golf has a second he suddenly wants one?

Nah, the upheaval for all of you will be too much considering the shakey grounds of “oh everyone’s got one so I want one” logic. The novelty and reality of a baby in the house after such a long time would wear off quick, cracks would appear because undoubtedly it’s much harder years later and he’d probably not be so accommodating or tolerant of all the complication that come with babies alongside your current child and I think you’d find yourself wishing you’d not rocked the boat on the whim of him and his friends.

Original poster
donniedarko89 · 18/08/2024 20:52

Thank you all so much for your input. I agree, it's silly to rock the boat without a strong reason or desire to have a second.

DH is very hands-on - he does the majority of the cooking and we share childcare 50/50 - but I don't think he would cope without any free time for himself, which having only one kid allows him to

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