How to not be persuaded into doing something unsafe?

[Livingtothefull]

Just for context: my adult DS is disabled and wheelchair-bound, has severe learning difficulties. He isn't safe in an automated wheelchair so has to be pushed in a manual one.

I was out with him a few days ago, went to the supermarket first. The combined weight of DS, the wheelchair and the shopping meant I had a substantial weight to push along the street. Any kind of slope (hill in the road, cambered pavements) - a nightmare and potentially dangerous. Any obstacles (dropped kerbs that aren't fully dropped, cracked pavements, people who refuse to get out of the way, dogs on extended leads etc) - v irritating, it just isn't easy to stop & start and sudden turns are impossible.

I had promised DS a trip to a cafe after shopping. We got to a street in town with several cafes. I suggested one but DS wanted to go to another - the trouble was, the one he wanted wasn't accessible. I tried to persuade DS to go to the accessible one but he wasn't having it. There was a risk he would have a meltdown, always upsetting to deal with.

Then he suggested going to another cafe he knew at the other end of town so of course I said OK.

So I was already feeling irritated and stressed during what was supposed to be a nice afternoon out. Managed to negotiate the pavements etc, had nearly reached the cafe and was feeling tired, just wanted to get there.

Then I got to a street to cross, it was on an awkward corner with a strong slope so after a couple of tries realised I couldn't cross it. Explained this to DS who started loudly shouting 'Help' to passers by (as he does). A young boy maybe about 13 came up and asked if he could help.

I am ashamed how close I came to accepting his offer of help. I was irritated, stressed and just wanted to get on my way. But it was a blind corner on a very steep slope with no dropped kerbs, it wasn't safe for any of us. So I thought better of it, thanked the boy for his concern and ended up going a (much longer) route instead.

I actually feel sick now at how close I came to putting at risk not only my DS but a child, and how I would have had to live with myself if anything had happened. I am usually so safety conscious - how did I nearly come to this? What can I do to ensure I never do such a thing again?

Don't be so hard on yourself. We all do things with hindsight we wish we hadn't on reflection and you didn't even do it.

Don't be hard on yourself, you didn't 'do' anything.

If we all worked ourselves up into a state worrying about things we might've done, we'd have no head space for anything else.

Perhaps next time get your shopping delivered and do a cafe trip without all the extra weight and hassle?

It sounds like you took a bit too much on yourself that day.

You were struggling OP, and you did the best you could in the circumstances.

Have a look at these. Might this be the answer for you?

https://www.recare.co.uk/product-category/mobility-rehabilitation-products/wheelchair-manual-power-add-ons/attendant-carer-power-assisted-wheelchair-add-on/

I know these are pricey, but if you're going to need to use the wheelchair for the foreseeable future, then it'd be worth buying if you could afford to.

You can also ask for an assessment from his Occupational Therapist (or request one online from NHS if he doesn't have one) and ask for any grants etc that may help you pay for the help you need?

https://www.nhsinform.scot/tests-and-treatments/counselling-and-therapies/occupational-therapy/

You're being really really hard on yourself OP. You wouldn't be this harsh on anyone else I'm guessing!

You were in a very stressful situation and considered accepting help. Ultimately you did the risk assessment and decided against it. Nothing to worry about

@Livingtothefull

oh love, stop being so bloody hard on yourself!

nothing happened!! It's very easy to see how you considered the help when someone offered it! Could the boy have helped by carrying the shopping? Though it doesn't sound like a great place to cross for you anyway!

I'd definitely try to get a powered by the 'pusher' not the 'user' style wheelchair, it made the world of difference to us (the move to user controlled was a bit hairy though!)

can you get your shopping delivered? I find Tesco brilliant, I have the 'pass' and I think it's £7.99 a month, but the midweek one is cheaper. I know that's still extra money you might not have if you're on benefits etc, but there's a lot I'd be prepared to go without before my delivery service.

Nothing to stop you popping in for a look around, getting a few bits elsewhere when you want to.

Youre doing a great job, it's hard, no matter how much you love them!!

You are only one person. You cannot do everything and you can't always put your sons wants first. Accepting help is normal, doing everything on your own is not. Laying down boundries is normal, always doing what someone else wants is not. Be kind to yourself.

Pushing a manual wheelchair with adverse cambers etc is terribly hard and wearing. Please don’t beat yourself up about what happened.

Thank you all very much. You are right that I shouldn't worry about things that I didn't actually do & life is too stressful without that. I think I was just alarmed at how easy it could be to be pressured into doing something I know to be unsafe when I feel tired and under pressure.

I take the point about avoiding carrying heavy shopping. DS loves going to the supermarket because he finds it stimulating so that's why I take him, but in retrospect I underestimated how heavy the shopping would be plus him and wheelchair.

He misses out on so much in his life due to his disabilities and yet really loves the things he can do, that's why it is hard to deny him anything.

Thank you also for the suggestions about wheelchairs, @Whatbloodysummer some of the options on the link look really interesting, will consider these. We are of course in communication with DS's care team about wheelchair solutions, are having to think again as DS has got much heavier recently and I am really struggling in a way I haven't had to before - so need to rethink as if I am finding it difficult so may his carers. We have to be really careful as DS has such limited mobility and also no sense of danger.

Thank you also for being so kind. I am just so glad I thought better of this in time.

Could you perhaps get the shopping the delivered, but still take him to the supermarket to get one or two light things?

We all do this - it’s called catastrophising. You considered doing something which you think is bad - but in the end you didn’t do the thing. Don’t punish yourself for your thoughts.

Definitely get a powered wheelchair or add-on - it makes life so much easier for everyone. They are incredibly easy to use.

@Livingtothefull my friend is a full time wheelchair user and has a power pack (albeit not the carer version) and it's been a game changer..They don't use it all the time as it's a pain to get on and it's big but does mean they can get anywhere in our hilly village so highly recommend

Thanks @WombatStewForTea I am glad this has helped your friend. I will look into an option that may work for us....have talked to DH about it today. He doesn't struggle with the current wheelchair setup as much as I do, but neither of us are getting any younger so we may need to rethink.

I am just a little bit haunted by what could have happened if I had let that lovely young boy try to help us and 'rewarded' him by putting him at risk. It was so obvious he was keen to help but wasn't sure what to do, I am just so glad I thought better of it. But yes - catastrophising.

Usually I go little & often to the supermarket and DH goes by car to pick up heavy things. But on this occasion I went a little too far - because we were there you know, and thought we might as well pick up as much as we needed. Also because DS reels off all the things he thinks we should get, another little quirk of his. If I got everything he had suggested, we wouldn't have made it down the street. But: lesson learned.

Thank you all again.