to refuse to feel guilty?

[WinkyWinkola]

Last weekend, we were at PILs who live 210 miles away. DS (3) always wants to sleep in our room and won't even countenance sleeping in DH's old bedroom. We tell MIL this every time but for some reason she is very keen for him to sleep in there. She says it's DS's room now.

Anyway, DS wouldn't sleep in there again, makes a bit of a fuss and snuggles down in the room we're sleeping in.

I go downstairs and say that I''m sorry but DS won't sleep in a strange bed. (We take up our bedding to save her the washing so it's familiar to DS anyway). MIL glares at me and says with real anger, "Well, who's fault is that then? If you bothered to visit more often, then he'd be perfectly happy in his room and his grandparents' house wouldn't be strange to him," Obviously she says this because DH and FIL are not in the room.

I'm taken aback at her hostility. We go up three or four times a year max. We also have other relatives like my dad and my mum (who are divorced) and my DC's cousins to visit. That's a lot of weekends travelling out of the year. Plus we have our own social life which is very busy at the weekends.

Why does she always manage to make me feel guilty and that we're not doing enough to ensure the DCs see their GPs enough. Grrrrrrr. But I won't feel guilty. I won't! I went on holiday with them this year and I think that's a lot more than most do. I'm still gggggrrrrrrrrr though. AIBU? Minor point but it really niggles.

YANBU.

Sounds like she's trying to relive dh's childhood a bit.

4 weekends a year is not often really but that's not your fault, would the meet you half way for days out together etc??? Are they prepared to come and stay with you etc?

She is obviously not happy and wishes you lived around the corner and that your ds stayed regularly but 210miles is a long way! Suggest they move nearer so they can be more hands on?

Suggest they move nearer so they can be more hands on?

Like it

It is your DH's responsibility to maintain links with his family - not yours.

This is one of the main reasons why I don't do "going to other peoples houses" - in the long run, it's easier to have them come to you. People arn't usually rude to a hostess when they are staying in her home. And she WAS rude.

Don't get drawn into arguments about it - if she ever mentions it again tell her she needs to take it up with dh.

Why does she think it's your job to maintain the grandchild/grandparent relationship. After all, does she expect her son to do all the organising when you go to visit your parents?

YANBU

Sure, they come to stay three or four times a year. But we have other family members we like to have to stay and who we like to visit and friends too.

Well I personally think 8 x a year is plenty of times for grandchildren to see grandparents - good grief my own mother only lives 70 miles away and I don't see her that many times and we're both fine about it, never been an issue.

Suggest sending your ds down on his own when he's older - she could have him the whole summer then

The thing is 3 or 4 times a year is every 3-4 months and if they make the same journeys in between that means that most months you get together so for people that live that far apart that is quite reasonable I think. Apart from the cost of travelling that distance as you say there are other family members you want to see other commitments and sometimes I bet you fancy doing nothing at all with your weekends.

I am on your side

So 8 times a year is not that bad considering the distance, I still think you suggest they move nearer - can you see them squished in a much smaller London property........I think not.......

The kids are lovely btw. Just had a look at your profile.

YANBU

The bit where she said it was DS's room now made me squirm a bit. My kids sleep in what was their Dad's old room but that is what it is known as.

FWIW I think you do a lot more visiting to them than a lot of families would.

Have you told DH what his lovely mum said?

perhaps it was you reference to it being a 'strange bed' that flipped her lid?

YANBU to refuse to feel guilty. But I do wonder why there is a need to take your own bedding. That seems excessive. I can sort of understand why mil feels a little rejected.

From her point of view it mst seem that you are rubbing it in how much he doesn't think of their place as home....but I can understand why you wouldn't want to visit more

No. I don't want to tell DH. I've said some -ve stuff to him about her in the past and it's upset him and we had ishoos about it and I'd rather handle this myself.

I definitely don't want them to move nearer. They'd be here every weekend! EEeeeeek. That's what they're used to with their other GCs. Not that MIL did that with her MIL though.

I think they just expected to be busy busy with the GCs but it is we parents who are busy with our kids. They're young GPs at 54 and 60.

I don't think they could seriously cope with managing a child for more than day either. They don't get up before 9am and there was much complaint on holiday when we got up at 7am with the DCs. 7am was luxurious for us!

She asked us to bring up bedding because it would save her washing. It's not bother chucking a duvet and pillows in the car.

And rubbing it in by saying strange bed? How else could I have phrased it? An unfamiliar bed? A bed that is not his own? A bed that he doesn't know very well. Isn't that a bit like walking on eggshells?

that's odd of her to ask you to bring bedding.

I think the two of you just don't get on and that's that.

They sound like the sort that want all the fun bits and adoration without the hard work!

Bit of a nightmare all round really.

Is it possible she was just having a bad day and made a catty comment without thinking?

Could you put it behind you?

sory i didn't really mean rubbing it i..i mean't highlighting to her how her gc does not fel comfortable enough at her house to sleep alone (depsite his own bedding)

The bedding thing isn't odd (unless she really didn't want to wash two bits of bedding.) When mine first slept at the GPs I took their quilts and pillows the first 2-3 times so they had their familiar things. MIL doesn't mind washing for them.

I'd have said that if she worried more about making her grandson feel comfortable there by letting him sleep where he is happy (not where makes her happy) then you might visit more often!!

Catch her way off guard.

Say 'oh I know, it's such a shame we can't come more often - we miss you and i know DS misses you - it's just that the distance is such a factor - it's brilliant that you come to us half the time, and mans you get to stay in touch - we do appreciate it".

She sounds v toxic - no point in escalating it, and she may in fact feel bad that she doesn't live nearer. SO if you are nice about it she will feel less guyilty, be less spiteful to you...and feel that the 8 w/es are enough and stop feeling guilty!

And don't tell her where he sleeps. Shut the door and say nothing. Unless she busybodies in when he's supposed to be asleep, she may not even realise.

But don't tell me - she busybodies !

Have put up with comments like this from my mil for the past 20 years. Just try and ignore it. Your husband will realise what is going on soon enough and realise his mum is not all sweetness and light.

I think it is a mil and dil thing.

I am a meow cat now and when my mil makes another of her barbed comments I wait for dh to come into the room and say to mil "would you mind repeating what you just said to me in front of dh". First time I did it she nearly s**t herself.

Oh yes, and what cheshirekitty said about "would you mind repeating what you just said to me in front of dh"

You only ever have to do that once

after 12 years with my hubby and trying so hard with his mum I have finally given up and refuse to go with DH when he takes the kids and the arrangement works perfectly for both of us