To ask how you overcome a fear of conflict?

[Lilolily]

I’m a people pleaser, always have been. I always put others feelings before my own and do my absolute best to avoid conflict of any type.

my dad was very strict and my sibling and I were never allowed to fight, so I think that’s something to do with it because they are the same.

how do I overcome this? I’m almost 50 and I’m sick of being so bloody nice all the time to keep the peace. Sometimes people suck and I want to be able to tell them!

TIA. x

I haven't really 🙈 but it helps me to acknowledge the feelings of I am people pleasing rn and think how I'd address it differently. Baby steps!

Group therapy is excellent, if bracing.

Otherwise just slowly push your boundaries I guess.

I'm following this thread because I feel like you've just described me too I'm exactly the same
Feel like we'd get along lol

I often think of the cost of people pleasing, Vs the cost of not.
I'm a born people pleaser, but increasingly I'm understanding that it isn't about whether I'll pay the 'cost' of conflict, but what cost I'm willing to pay.
If someone owes me £20 for example, and seems to have forgotten, I'm reluctant to bring it up because of the perceived 'cost' of doing so - others opinions etc. but the cost of not bringing it up is that I'm £20 short, more likely to resent my friend and have become further entrenched in people pleasing. Once I began to see that as costly also, it helped me make decisions about what to challenge and what not to.

I'd start by defining what you would like your boundaries to be in an ideal world where you didn't fear conflict at all, and were comfortable if not everyone thought you were lovely - but you wanted to act in tune with your personal ethics. For example how would this look in your workplace,.with family etc. Having a good idea what you want to move towards should be helpful.

A lot of the time you can say
That doesn't work for me.
Don't say what it might be, because they may try to get around any reasons.
They may have you down as a pushover
No, can't do that.
Think hard before you say YES
Look after yourself and your mental health
Some people really take the pee
Then chill

I’ve thought about trying to find a self defence class - might that help?

For me it was learning that people won't leave if you stand up for yourself. Initially, they might do but that's because they're only friends with you because they're getting something from you and that's for the best anyway.
I think fear of conflict and people pleasing is really fear of losing people but this may be different for you !

Apologies for the rubbish grammar there.