Surprise party

[Doesheevenknowmeatall]

AIBU to tell my husband I do not want him to throw me a ‘surprise’ party?
Although I have told him this already. Several times. After we attended a surprise party a few years I ago, I commented how I would have found it massively uncomfortable if it had been me being surprised.
Now I have a ‘big’ birthday approaching and one of my friends has let slip he is planning a party….FFS, does he not know me at all! After 8 years!
I can’t really think of anything worse but how can I tell him I know and to cancel it?
Or can I?

You're going to have to tell him.
FWIW, the thought of a surprise party utterly horrifies me too.

Start planning a weekend away on that date, that’ll force his hand.

You’re going to have to tell him without telling him. Say “oh god, can you remember “friends” surprise party, I really really would hate that, like really hate it to the point I’d turn around and walk out”. And then maybe add in, “I’d much prefer to do x,y,z….”

This is what I would do.

Or tell that friend to remind him how much you would hate it.

I would say 'oh x mentioned something about a party for my birthday? Which was a bit odd . Obviously I told her I'm not having one. At least I know that you know I don't want a party of any kind and won't attend one"

If he still goes ahead he's a dick and I would 100% walk out and go home.

Ask your friend when it is and tell him you're planning a trip for the same time - hopefully he'll cancel or tell you the truth? Or just drop your friend in it and tell him you know. Either way, a surprise party would horrify me too!!

I’d tell him straight, ‘X told me your planning a party for my birthday, you know I hate a party and I’d hope you’d know me well enough by now to not actually be planning one?’. And if it’s true do not let him make you think you’re being ungrateful, what you like and don’t like should always be taken into consideration.

I did say that to her!! She said she would try and steer him in another direction but so far he hasn’t responded to her messages!!
I feel so ungrateful but also, I’m an adult and can plan something myself with my friends if I felt inclined too, something which I would enjoy.

You do not need to feel ungrateful - he's doing something that he fully well knows you will not like!

Ime it shows massive cracks when they simply don't listen.. Exh bought me a bar of Galaxy after 8 years together. He absolutely knew I hated it.. He was all huffy when I said no thanks. He claimed he thought I might like it. He didn't think though.

For someone who hates surprise parties I think he's not listening to you. He would like one so obviously you would too. Tell him straight out that you are not "just saying no" for the sake of it and you would not forgive him for doing something that makes you highly uncomfortable. It's your day so you get to decide (Tell him right now what you want to do).

“DH, I know you’re arranging a surprise party for my birthday. I don’t want it. Can you cancel it please and I’ll plan something myself that I’d prefer to do”.

Job done.

Be clear and firm.
"I hear you have planned a suprise party. I don't want one. If I come home to one I will turn around and walk back out. I DO NOT WANT ONE".
If he doesn't accept that then he has no respect for you.
Tell him that as well.

I’ve just told him I’m planning to go for a weekend away with the girls on the date, if he doesn’t mind…. He looked a bit panicked, then said, ‘Oh that sounds lovely, I can drop you all at the station if you want?’
So hopefully problem is solved. Just need to sort the weekend out now!

@Doesheevenknowmeatall seriously it would be better for you to be clear and honest. Don't make up a thing about a weekend away with "the girls".
Be honest.

I agree.

He will just think he can move the party to another date. You need to tell him the truth, that you know about the party, and don't want it. Otherwise you could be dodging this for ever!

Yeah, this is probably right.

And the person who said he might just move it.

Take their advice and have a clear conversation with him. Tell him you appreciate the thought but you are not having a party.

I would tell him or if he insists on you having one you help with the organising so you have some control I had the most beautiful thoughtful party thrown for me however it was organised in 4 weeks and quite a lot of people were missed off the guest list and the date changed half way through which some people were not informed about. I am truly grateful for the people who came but gutted for the others as people have since messaged me. He can still surprise you with things at your party but at least you have some say so that you do not feel uncomfortable