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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Found husband smoking

22 replies

Teaxberspet · 17/08/2024 15:32

Hello,
Me and my husband stopped smoking about 8 years ago. Since then we have had kids and my husband will occasionally smoke on a lads weekend which he always tells me about. The last few weeks I am sure I have smelt smoke on him when he's come home from somewhere but when asking he has compelled denied it. I felt it was all in my mind.
Anyway this morning I had to nip out with a child and when I got back 10 mins later I asked my other child where he was. She said he was in the garage. I went to the garage but he wasn't there. I found him upstairs cleaning his teeth. The whole room smelt of smoke. I asked if he had been smoking and said denied it twice to me and then eventually admit tied it. He said he's been doing it occasionally for a couple of weeks.
I feel so sad that he has lied to me. I can't think of a time I have lied to his face like that in the 20 years we've been together. I haven't spoken to him much today and the children are around but I feel so cross when I think about it. Not the smoking though, the lying. Aibu? Should I just get over it and not ruin an otherwise lovely weekend?

OP posts:
redalex261 · 17/08/2024 15:38

Look, he lied because he feels ashamed and intends (in his head) not doing it again. It’s not another woman, it’s something dumb. Just speak to him about how he’s going to manage to pack it in again, cigarettes are horribly addictive, occasional smoking always reels in the ex-smokers!

Quitelikeit · 17/08/2024 15:40

Look if he smokes you need to stop being controlling and let him quit in his own way. I’m sure he wished he didn’t smoke

5128gap · 17/08/2024 15:40

If you're not bothered about the smoking, tell him that. He's lied from the sense of self disgust and fear of judgement smokers often feel. If I wasn't bothered about it then I'd just tell him you understood, there was no need to lie, but could he only smoke in the garden/in a certain coat/whatever to minimise the impact on the family. If you are bothered about him smoking it will be a different matter as I doubt he'll stop because you want him to, as he clearly doesn't want to.

Charlieeeeee · 17/08/2024 15:52

Yeah it's not ideal but it doesn't mean he automatically lies about other things, he was ashamed and didn't want you to know.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 17/08/2024 15:56

When I was caught smoking I was given 200 lines (I was at school) could you do something similar?

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 17/08/2024 16:07

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 17/08/2024 15:56

When I was caught smoking I was given 200 lines (I was at school) could you do something similar?

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Anitapu · 17/08/2024 16:11

Smoking is disgusting but at least hes not smoking drugs!

Danglers · 17/08/2024 16:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DadJoke · 17/08/2024 16:13

Ask him if he wants to give up and how you can support him if he does. Set boundaries in your shared spaces.

StormingNorman · 17/08/2024 16:16

He lied because he’s embarrassed, not because he wants to deceive you.

Have a conversation about it. Why now - new friends, stress etc?

Does he intend to stop? Yes - support him. No - set ground rules eg not in front of the kids or in the house or car.

Onehotday · 17/08/2024 16:20

I wonder why he felt he needed to lie/hide it?

GingerPirate · 17/08/2024 16:25

And?
Is he 12?
🙄

Quitelikeit · 17/08/2024 16:27

I agree with @TwoLeftSocksWithHoles

give him 200 lines 🤣🤣🤣🤣

HelpMeGetThrough · 17/08/2024 16:37

Quitelikeit · 17/08/2024 16:27

I agree with @TwoLeftSocksWithHoles

give him 200 lines 🤣🤣🤣🤣

200 lines of what?

Ilovelurchers · 17/08/2024 16:39

Don't make a big deal out of it as others have said - he is an adult.

You do have the right to ask him not to smoke in the house, I would think.

moorin · 17/08/2024 17:34

I would let it go. Enjoy the weekend and don't let it ruin it.

Quitelikeit · 17/08/2024 18:14

@HelpMeGetThrough

at school if you were caught smoking you had to write ‘I must not smoke’ 200 times or however many times the teacher told you

Anotherparkingthread · 17/08/2024 18:21

I've always been an occasional smoker, usually when having a few beers at the pub or after too much wine.

The only time I've lied about it was when a particularly demanding ex boyfriend would become outraged at the notion I was having a sly cigarette. I'd lie to him, no I won't do it again. Yes I know the health risks. Then I'd go and do it again. The reason I lied was literally just because it was the easiest way to not get nagged to death. I never felt any feelings of shame or disgust lol.

eggandchip · 17/08/2024 18:36

Your his wife not his mum.
Let him give up in his time its bloody hard.

rwalker · 17/08/2024 18:38

How would you of reacted if he would of told u in the first place

Mrsjayy · 17/08/2024 18:44

Onehotday · 17/08/2024 16:20

I wonder why he felt he needed to lie/hide it?

It's embarrassment and Shame I think. I used to have a sneaky cigarette and I would swear blind I hadn't it's a horrible addiction it gets hold of you, I appreciate it's not crack but you do get a physiological relief from smoking it makes you feel better at the time but also as I said embarrassment.

Op is he going through something that's ramped up the smoking it isn't an excuse but he must be pretty desperate to smoke around the house.

HelpMeGetThrough · 17/08/2024 23:15

Quitelikeit · 17/08/2024 18:14

@HelpMeGetThrough

at school if you were caught smoking you had to write ‘I must not smoke’ 200 times or however many times the teacher told you

Thats getting off lightly. In ours, you were kicked out, never to return.

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