What do you do/think to feel happier when life feels hard?

[MarigoldSpider]

I feel distinctly unhappy right now.

I have 2 DC. DS is 3yo and DD is 9 months. I’ve been back at work for 2 weeks (I am working part time for the first year). We are having difficulty with DD refusing a bottle at nursery. I’ve found the return to work really hard. Breastfeeding less has sent my hormones all over the place.

DS’s behaviour is worse as there’s been changes and he’s probably picking up on stress from us.

When I’m working I miss the children and my friends from mat leave and being able to plan my own day and enjoy the outside. I miss baby DD so much. I miss the time we spent together and how in tune I was to her needs. Now she has been getting used to the nursery routine I don’t feel like I know what she needs as intuitively.

My job is technically difficult and requires a lot of thinking.

We have so much laundry. We are good at keeping on top of the washing but bad at keeping on top of the putting away.

Our house is a decent size but in need of a lot of renovation. At any one time there’s a long list of diy tasks we should be doing to make life easier/nicer.

The garden is turning into a jungle.

It feels like there’s so much to do.

We’ve also been a bit ill, adults have had sore throats and children have a cough so aren’t sleeping as well (it’s not Covid, I have tested).

Life just feels very full on and relentless. I know we are lucky and very fortunate in lots of ways. I’m just finding this period of change really hard. I don’t feel happy on my work days, my children days or my weekends and I would really like to, this is unusual for me. Any advice welcome.

TIA 💖

Also- DH is very supportive/hands on/involved in housework. We already have a cleaner.

I’m a fan of sorting one thing. Make a list of reno tasks and tackle just one; even if it takes you some time to complete, you’ll feel better for it. Then once you’ve done that one, you’ll be motivated to do the next one. Start small - fix one snag that has been annoying you.

Laundry: if it’s clean great. Don’t iron. Fold out the dryer and into wide basket. Use from basket if necessary. Put away what you can but anything you can’t just leave in the basket. It being in one place folded and accessible is much better than everywhere so you’ll feel better for that.

This phase of life is tough but you will adjust. Just focus on getting through it re work etc but I’d try and focus your efforts on slowly plodding along with your house / garden as having a lovely haven to come home to / enjoy once the kids are in bed really does make the world of difference! Buy a few nice candles for the evenings and a few treats for once the kids are in bed. This too shall pass!

Thankyou @Iceache. DH has a week booked off soon to tackle making DDs room nice. So that will be good for getting some bits ticked off the lists.

I remember things getting much easier when DS turned 1 I just don’t like wishing the time away.

Gratitude, breathing, meditation, they all help for sure, but at my absolute lowest, most exhausted moments it’s Samuel Beckett’s line: “I can’t go on. I’ll go on.”

Actually it doesn’t make me happier but … hmm, maybe it’s just acceptance?

Maybe I am asking a bit much to feel especially happy in this specific stage of life 😂

I don’t remember feeling hugely happy at that stage if I’m honest. There were plenty of happy moments but mostly life was hard, tiring and between work & getting to grips with motherhood, I felt I was doing nothing well. Working on our home and carving out a bit of time for just us in the evenings kept us sane, but we mostly just got through it a day at a time. I have a friend at a similar stage now and they are finding it difficult too. I think the happiness comes when you’re settled into a routine and don’t feel quite so torn constantly

I can empathise with you hugely. I went back to work after mat leave with my second in March (Dd 11mo) and my eldest was 3. Like you, I was pretty sad and feeling trapped, and to make matters worse we had a kitchen renovation going on the same month. Time has made it easier. My daughter used to scream when I dropped her off and struggle with being away from feeds, but she’s settled in now and seeing her develop and make connections with staff and children there feels so much more positive. I missed her so much to start with though.

Our house is also a fixer upper and sometimes it makes me feel depressed because it’s gloomy living in it before the fixed bit, and the impending list of things to do on top of all the childcare things to do. I write lists and lists and cross off anything done, even if it’s something tiny.

Our garden is also a weed fest, but I’ve given myself a years leeway on that. You’ve got v young kids, you’ll have loads of gardening ahead of you when they’ll play by amusing themselves. Or if you can afford it, pay a gardener to come and do a once over and get advice to make it more manageable.

Don’t sweat about the washing. It’s clean, just shove it in a nice basket and put bits away when you can grab a minute.

Yes you are in a very hard bit. There’s definitely a lot to be said for accepting your lot and trying to find ways to survive it as best you can, rather than expect happiness. Anyway a lot of happiness is just a fleeting excitement, I think a general feeling of contentment, well-being, love for those around you is a great aspiration.

It’s maybe a bit much but Buddhists meditate on death to make them happier! When we spend a bit of time contemplating how we will definitely die and it could be today, it brings what’s important into sharp focus, and makes us more grateful for what we have and the small things. Practically, I often think to myself when stressed or angry with partner or kids, ‘will I look back at this event on my deathbed’. Usually the answer makes it clear to me that none of the shit I typically get worked up about matters at all. Sorry if that’s depressing but I find it can really help if you can take it in the right way!!

Prayer.
And failing that, The Frog Song by Paul McCartney always makes me smile.
It's bloody hard with a stroppy toddler and work.

Remember, these years when the kids are small are the hardest. I only have one right now but we plan on another soon so I feel like this might be me writing this next year and the year after!
I would prioritise. Don't worry about mess or the garden being a jungle when you are ill or the toddler/baby is being clingy. Take one day at a time. Children go through phases too and one day something will work for them and another day it doesn't.
When we do have free time on the calender I like to plan ahead and book things to enjoy - toddler-friendly cinema showings, theme parks, zoos.