Groped by family member AIBU to cut ties?

[auroraborearlarse]

I have named changed for this. I really need some advice. Sorry if this is a bit long.
Been with DP for 30 + years, he has one sister who lives in UK, and a brother in US, he is not very close to either, but we used to meet up with his sis and her DH once or twice a year, eg Xmas etc.
His sister's DH has always been friendly but a bit over affectionate towards me, which I have put up with but never been comfortable with, eg I would go to hug/kiss on the cheek when saying bye, and he would always turn his head so it lands on the lips, that sort of thing.
Few years ago we met up with the sis and her DH for lunch, had a nice time, then after lunch they walked us to
our car and as we did the hug goodbye, he ran his hand down the side of my body, quite slowly, from just under my armpit/side of breast down to my hip. I was really creeped out, it felt very deliberate, not casual, like he was pressing his hand against me. We got in the car and drove off and I told DP what had happened. I felt very upset and angry, and got quite tearful about it later on, the more it sunk in. I don't want to upset or offend anyone who has been the victim of a sexual assault, because I know this was very low level, but it felt like he had assaulted me. I felt sick and very upset and angry. Since then I have refused to meet up with them, I can't bear to be in the same room as him so have made up excuses any time we have been invited to meet up. This is becoming more and more difficult/awkward. There is a family meet up looming with the brother from US and the thought of seeing him again makes me feel sick. AIBU to continue to avoid DP's BIL, which effectively means avoiding all family meet ups, or should I try and get over this for the sake of my DP and family relationships ?

Your dp is aware now, so he should be able to fend off any inappropriate behaviour. He can swap seats with you, and ensure the creepy bil doesn't get too close on the one meet-up you can't avoid.

Not nice though. 🙁

If he ends up sat next to you a fork is a good deterant.. Unless you intend to tell the room he is a letch don't give him the satisfaction of making you avoid family occasions.. Dh has your back now.

Don't feel any pressure to be in a room with a man who assaulted you. If other people find it awkward, they can just suck that up. Their desire for happy family relationships does not trump your desire not to be predated on by this disgusting lech.

I’m very sorry. No need to apologize to people who’ve experience worse. That was bad, the build-up was bad and I’d totally understand you avoiding him from now on.
It should be clear to others what’s going on, and if they haven’t twigged that’s not your problem. Literally don’t even think about what it might do to family relations, just stay away from him no apologies no explanation, that is entirely your right.

Public shaming is the best way to make it stop. 'Don't touch me'; 'Keep your hands to yourself, you are making me uncomfortable'

You are entitled to very upset by this, even though it’s low level it’s really gross. He sounds like a creepy chancer. As you’ve told your husband he will be on alert for anything shady and is far more likely to say something than you being frozen in terror. I would go, keep husband between you and BIL and don’t engage in any physical hello/goodbye hugs. If he looms up to you big step back very deliberately. The BIL will get the message PDQ his behaviour won’t fly and will and will want to avoid a scene. This only works if your concern is to avoid further incidents. If you can’t get past what happened previously and you really feel you can’t face it don’t go. If anyone asks why tell them. Bet he’s done it to other female in laws, folk will be aware.

You've every right to feel upset. Difficult but I'd advise keep your distance if you're in the same room. Don't be alone with him. Stop the close interactions on greeting and saying goodbye and if anyone says anything about that, then it's their issue, not yours. I bet your husband doesn't kiss him when he sees him, so why should you.

Every time you see him quite loudly comment. Don't come too close to me you're creepy

Make him uncomfortable

Behaviour like that thrives on secrecy , your BIL expects you to say nothing or give him the benefit of the doubt. Refuse to sit next to him or give him a kiss goodbye, he'll know why. I doubt he'll say much but if he does just be honest, he won't want his wife to hear.

Why hasn't he been pulled up and it made clear that he keeps his hands off you? Do that, you don't need to kiss people goodbye etc. So you just tell him straight. Don't do it publicly unless you know you will get support. People victim blame and you don't need that.

im so sorry this happened to you OP. It’s not ok. And no wonder you feel the way you do. It’s a totally normal response to sexual assault. (Unwanted sexual touching is sexual assault btw)

ultimately, I think you are right to do whatever feels right for you. And ideally your DP would support you in whatever you decide.

if you do choose to attend events, for your DPs sake, could the two of you decide, together, how it will be managed? You could you tell him what he can do to help you in that situation. Would you want him to stay close to you? Would you want him to say something if the BIL comes near you?

either way, do what feels right for you and maybe agree on a plan of support and action.

I would have no issues with never seeing this man again but it seems a shame that you have to miss out on family gatherings because of him.

If you don’t want to go, then don’t.
You should not make yourself feel uncomfortable.

But if you want to go, your DH is now aware and can stay by your side.

I would try and avoid this man as much as you can and if he goes in for a hug, do it very loosely and make sure DH is right next to you.

He should not try anything if your DH is there.

Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed by this.
Its gross and you have every right to feel the way you do.
He sounds like a creep!

This horrible, what a creep.

He knows he has power over you because you won't want to cause a scene, and he's getting off on it. I would have no qualms about avoiding him, and if anyone asks why I'd tell them.

@NewDogOwner and @Maddy70 have it spot on. Don’t let this fester in secret.
Ensure your dh is on alert and helps to keep you both apart. But if he so much as looks at you creepily or puts a hand out or tries to kiss you. Shout out loud “don’t touch me”. If he tries to come into your space I’d also shout “Go away” quite loudly so that he knows what will happen if he persists or tries to get close. He’s relying on your silence. Don’t give it to him.

What a vile little man. Absolutely avoid any kissing/hugging greetings. Keep your DP next to you at these times. Get up and move if he sits next to you, if he tries to question this, look him in the eye and say "Oh, I'm sure you know why". I doubt he will dare to push it, but if he does, then it's time to say "Your groping hands are repugnant".

Just tell him - shout -''Get Off!''
Do not hide yourself away because of this man!

How awful. Step massively back, walk away when he goes to greet you, turn away. Plan it so that you don't get taken unawares. You shouldn't have to do this. It's nauseating and humiliating. What a creepy pervert. If anyone says why won't you greet him physically you could say 'because he doesn't know how to behave'. I understand what it's like when you don't want to make a scene, but bloody hell, none of this is of your making.

What did your DH say/do?

I was sexually assaulted by a relatives husband at a funeral of all places.
It's horrible.
Only you will know if you want to breathe the same air as him again.
There is no right or wrong answer.
Is it possible to make a separate arrangement with your brother?

Actually I had this with late FIL and when I asked my SILs if he did it to her too they said yes.

Thank you to those who have posted, I really appreciate everyone's thoughts, I thought the consensus would have been that I am overreacting.
In answer to the poster who asked what my DP did. He had no clue it had happened until I told him in the car. He was shocked and disgusted but I think he didn't really know how to deal with it. There have been times when it has caused arguments between us, as I think he felt I was expecting him to do something about it, and he is a very shy and non-confrontational person, so the idea of confronting his BIL would be extremely difficult for him, which I do appreciate. I am not sure I expected him to do that anyway. I think I felt if anything I should confront him myself, but I just couldnt bring myself to see him again so it hasnt happened.
DP has continued to see his sis a couple of times a year, and the BIL is always there too, so that does make me feel conflicted, and I sometimes get upset and a bit angry about it. But at the same time I don't want my DP to be estranged from his sister, just because her H is a creep. It's a difficult one but it is good to hear everyone's views.

Sorry that you and other posters have been through similar. It makes me so angry. I am usually quite an assertive person and wish I had just called him out straight away, or even better kicked him in the balls, but I was in shock and just did not know how to react.
The event looming is DP's brother is coming over from US, he will only be here for a short time, so the only opportunity to see him is when the sister and BIL are also there.

I don’t think it’s your DHs responsibility to confront him, just like it wouldn’t be your responsibility to confront a woman who did this to DH.

I think you and DH need to try and stop it letting it come between you, as neither of you have done anything wrong.

Now DH knows, he can sit/stand by you physically, so you feel less uncomfortable and so BIL has less chance to do anything.

I personally would go again but have a plan in place.
Think about the things he’s done already and how you can avoid them happening next time or what you can say.

I had a creepy boss who would hug me but in a slightly inappropriate way (not so much that I felt I could push him off but more than just a normal hug) and I expect this is similar.
I literally just avoided being alone with him.
When he came in the office (only once or twice a month) I would go and hug him when he was in the staff room giving other people a hug and so he couldn’t hug me inappropriately.
If he tried hugging me again when I was alone then I would joke that he’s already had one and not getting another one.

I know I should have handled him better and been more firm but it is so difficult when you’re in that situation.

I don’t think you should let this man ruin family events for you and I would just try and avoid him and only hug him when people are literally right next to you.

I am usually quite an assertive person and wish I had just called him out straight away, or even better kicked him in the balls, but I was in shock and just did not know how to react.

it sounds like your body went into “freeze” survival mode. This is a completely normal response to the shock of an inappropriate assault. It happened to me too and, like you, I’m usually an assertive person.

Perhaps if you do go to the event, and the BIL comes in for a hug, you could just step back and shake your head a little.

If you have older DDs that would normally go to this family meet up, let them know and advise them to keep their distance. As others have said his behaviour might not only be towards you, because he blatantly thinks he can get away with it. I've been through similar. Your DP knows, so will be aware of how you feel, so speak to him about how you will decide to deal with it and expect him to be supportive of your choices, when that next family meet up happens. Don't let anyone tell you that you are making a fuss about nothing. Go with your instincts.